Young Writers Society

Hey Macy! You showed me this poem a couple of days ago, and I am finally getting to it now! So, sorry for the delay.

I really liked the premise here and the story behind it. The narrator was just too impatient, and his impatience ended up hurting, not only himself but the princess too. Though, I must admit that I wonder if the narrator actually liked the princess or not... but who knows! Maybe s/he did it because s/he was annoyed that the prince hadn't come yet and figured, "Well, why not?"

One thing that I would probably do is make sure it runs a little more smoothly. Right now, if you read it as a poem, it doesn't quite sound right and there are several places where the lines kind of trip on themselves. Basically, it seems more like a prose piece rather than a poetry piece. However, read it a couple of times over and make sure the flow is right and everything is separated the way it ought to be, and it should be better.

For example, you could do this, if you wanted:

The princess had slept all those years.
Not moving, not ageing,
not living either.

I wanted to wake her.

Her slumber was a mere obstacle
for a determined palace servant.
So, one night with the moon high and full,
I sneaked up; braving stairways that creaked
and groaned, and darkness that swallowed me whole. I braved them, climbing and climbing until
I finally reached the top of the tower.

The Princess;
the epitome of perfection within my reach.

I clambered over to the bed, and stood over her head,
my shadow shrouding her face.
I leaned over and planted a kiss.

Just one.

Her eyes blinked open, emerald green beauties.
My heart stopped beating for a second, and at that moment
hers did too, except it wasn't for just a second.
The princess crumpled in my arms;
dead.

The witch told me that that was the punishment for my greed.
If only a prince had gotten there before me.

...or something! Play around with it a bit, and don't be afraid to knock out some words and add new ones to improve the flow!

Anyway, love the idea! Make the poem shine.

I loved the twist, and the emerald green eyes just for a second though for she fell dead in my arms, priceless! I love it, it's great I mean I'll rate it..........drumrole please....................9/10

Hello Macy!

I'll have to agree with what everyone said. This has a very story/prose feel to it. You said your poem was heavily influenced by Carol Ann Duffy, and you were following her writing style, but though Ann Duffy's poem did speak a story than a poem, it is still easily recognized as a poem because of its flow, and sentence structure. Your piece didn't show that. I'll use the same poem you mentioned as an example; Queen Kong. Each stanza is equal in sense to the number of lines. Each stanza's line length was almost the same. The overall flow of the poem is what differentiated it from stories/prose.
The flow you applied here is a flow often used in stories. Which is why, I believe, your poem is easily pointed out as a story.

Other than that, some other basic nitpicks.

Macyblak wrote:The princess had slept all those years.
Not moving, not ageing, not living either.
I wanted to wake her.

Macyblak wrote:So, one night with the moon high and full, I sneaked up; braving stairways that creaked and groaned, and darkness that swallowed me whole

Macyblak wrote:So, one night with the moon high and full, I sneaked up; braving stairways that creaked and groaned, and darkness that swallowed me whole.

braved them, climbing and climbing until I finally reached the top of the tower.
The Princess;

Macy! *grin* (<.< Epic grin of evilness.)

I think your poem was a good one. And since other reviewers have already reviewed and corrected all the minors, I think I have nothing else more to say but I think you should have divided the sentences into small bits again. Though here:

Macyblak wrote:The witch told me that that was the punishment for my greed.
If only a prince had gotten there before me.

Hello, there !!

It's been interesting, nice work, man !!

I enjoyed it, but What it did not really sound like a poem for me, though it's good interesting, but not a poem, as I see.
I liked how you told the story... yes It's a story and I like it...

braved them, climbing and climbing until I finally reached the top of the tower.
The Princess;
the epitome of perfection within my reach.
I clambered over to the bed, and stood over her head, my shadow shrouding her face.
I leaned over and planted a kiss.
Just one.
Her eyes blinked open, emerald green beauties.
My heart stopped beating for a second, and at that moment hers did too, except it wasn't for just a second.
The princess crumpled in my arms; dead.

The witch told me that that was the punishment for my greed.
If only a prince had gotten there before me

Wow I like the series of the actions!

Keep the good work up and review mine !

Ilham Ahed Al-Khatib

Hi!

So, this was a really interesting take on the classic Sleeping Beauty tale, even if it took me a minute to understand the twist. I just have a few comments.

Firstly, while I love how you tell this, it doesn't seem very much like a poem at all, more like a story that's been broken up into stanzas. I don't know what your experience with writing poetry is, but I definitely suggest reading some by classic authors such as Robert Frost or Shel Silverstein to see how go about telling the stories that they want to tell through poetry and how it differs from authors who work with prose.

Secondly, the twist, while fun, feels sort of random and tacked on. I might suggest expanding this poem a little. It will give you room to add detail, but it would also be cool if you could find ways to include subtle hints that you wouldn't pick up on the first time you read it, but you could go back and see how they connected to the ending. By the way, any story with any good twist does this.

There are also a few things I wanted to point out about the language/description with the poem. For instance:

emerald green beauties

The princess had slept all those years.
Not moving, not ageing, not living either.
I wanted to wake her.

Hey Macy!

Here with a review for your wonderful poem!

I agree with Ice,

I wanted to wake her.

braved them, climbing and climbing

I clambered over to the bed, and stood over her head,

Hey Macy! I'm Lemony, here to review~

Alright, I actually really like this poem. It's quite good, but I have a few nitpicks.

First, over here:

The princess had slept all those years.
Not moving, not ageing, not living either.
I wanted to wake her.

Her slumber was a mere obstacle for a determined palace servant.
So, one night with the moon high and full, I sneaked up; braving stairways that creaked and groaned, and darkness that swallowed me whole.

Her slumber was a mere obstacle for a determined palace servant.
So, one night with the moon high and full, I sneaked up;
braving stairways that creaked and groaned,
and darkness that swallowed me whole.

I clambered over to the bed, and stood over her head, my shadow shrouding her face.
I leaned over and planted a kiss.

My heart stopped beating for a second, and at that moment hers did too, except it wasn't for just a second.

My heart stopped beating for a second, and at that moment hers did too,
except it wasn't for just a second.