Published December 25, 2012
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140,108 Literary Works • 673,015 Reviews
Hey Macy! You showed me this poem a couple of days ago, and I am finally getting to it now! So, sorry for the delay.
I really liked the premise here and the story behind it. The narrator was just too impatient, and his impatience ended up hurting, not only himself but the princess too. Though, I must admit that I wonder if the narrator actually liked the princess or not... but who knows! Maybe s/he did it because s/he was annoyed that the prince hadn't come yet and figured, "Well, why not?"
One thing that I would probably do is make sure it runs a little more smoothly. Right now, if you read it as a poem, it doesn't quite sound right and there are several places where the lines kind of trip on themselves. Basically, it seems more like a prose piece rather than a poetry piece. However, read it a couple of times over and make sure the flow is right and everything is separated the way it ought to be, and it should be better.
For example, you could do this, if you wanted:
The princess had slept all those years.
Not moving, not ageing,
not living either.
I wanted to wake her.
Her slumber was a mere obstacle
for a determined palace servant.
So, one night with the moon high and full,
I sneaked up; braving stairways that creaked
and groaned, and darkness that swallowed me whole. I braved them, climbing and climbing until
I finally reached the top of the tower.
The Princess;
the epitome of perfection within my reach.
I clambered over to the bed, and stood over her head,
my shadow shrouding her face.
I leaned over and planted a kiss.
Just one.
Her eyes blinked open, emerald green beauties.
My heart stopped beating for a second, and at that moment
hers did too, except it wasn't for just a second.
The princess crumpled in my arms;
dead.
The witch told me that that was the punishment for my greed.
If only a prince had gotten there before me.
...or something! Play around with it a bit, and don't be afraid to knock out some words and add new ones to improve the flow!
Anyway, love the idea! Make the poem shine.
I loved the twist, and the emerald green eyes just for a second though for she fell dead in my arms, priceless! I love it, it's great I mean I'll rate it..........drumrole please....................9/10
Hello Macy!
I'll have to agree with what everyone said. This has a very story/prose feel to it. You said your poem was heavily influenced by Carol Ann Duffy, and you were following her writing style, but though Ann Duffy's poem did speak a story than a poem, it is still easily recognized as a poem because of its flow, and sentence structure. Your piece didn't show that. I'll use the same poem you mentioned as an example; Queen Kong. Each stanza is equal in sense to the number of lines. Each stanza's line length was almost the same. The overall flow of the poem is what differentiated it from stories/prose.
The flow you applied here is a flow often used in stories. Which is why, I believe, your poem is easily pointed out as a story.
Other than that, some other basic nitpicks.
The highlighted part just stood out awkwardly. It seemed incomplete, and it just annoyed me. Maybe you could try re-framing it?
This line is way too long. Either you could re-frame it, or break it into two sentences.
Simple grammar error.
You either capitalize "braved", because the previous sentence ended in a full stop, or you add a pronoun before "braved"
I would prefer the latter.
I think your ending had a very nice twist to it, but it was too sudden. Maybe if you could progress your story a little bit, and add more details to the characters, it would be better.
In all, your poem was a pleasant, and fresh, but some of your adjectives are used way too often. Maybe if you could change them to something else.
A job well done, and I am looking forward to some of your other pieces.
For any further inquires, you could leave me a message on my wall or PM me.
Thank you.
-TwistedMuffins
was pleasant* ._.
were used* ._.
I knew something was wrong as soon as I posted it. xD
Sorry~!
Macy! *grin* (<.< Epic grin of evilness.)
I think your poem was a good one. And since other reviewers have already reviewed and corrected all the minors, I think I have nothing else more to say but I think you should have divided the sentences into small bits again. Though here:
There was that sudden break from the story, so I think you should added a little more effect there, so its got that flow.
Other than that, it was good! ^^
Keep Writing!~
--
ChocoCookie
*LEER* (Epic smirk of perverts all 'round the world)
Thank You and LIKE IT
Hello, there !!
It's been interesting, nice work, man !!
I enjoyed it, but What it did not really sound like a poem for me, though it's good interesting, but not a poem, as I see.
I liked how you told the story... yes It's a story and I like it...
braved them, climbing and climbing until I finally reached the top of the tower.
The Princess;
the epitome of perfection within my reach.
I clambered over to the bed, and stood over her head, my shadow shrouding her face.
I leaned over and planted a kiss.
Just one.
Her eyes blinked open, emerald green beauties.
My heart stopped beating for a second, and at that moment hers did too, except it wasn't for just a second.
The princess crumpled in my arms; dead.
The witch told me that that was the punishment for my greed.
If only a prince had gotten there before me
Wow I like the series of the actions!
Keep the good work up and review mine !
Ilham Ahed Al-Khatib
Hi!
So, this was a really interesting take on the classic Sleeping Beauty tale, even if it took me a minute to understand the twist. I just have a few comments.
Firstly, while I love how you tell this, it doesn't seem very much like a poem at all, more like a story that's been broken up into stanzas. I don't know what your experience with writing poetry is, but I definitely suggest reading some by classic authors such as Robert Frost or Shel Silverstein to see how go about telling the stories that they want to tell through poetry and how it differs from authors who work with prose.
Secondly, the twist, while fun, feels sort of random and tacked on. I might suggest expanding this poem a little. It will give you room to add detail, but it would also be cool if you could find ways to include subtle hints that you wouldn't pick up on the first time you read it, but you could go back and see how they connected to the ending. By the way, any story with any good twist does this.
There are also a few things I wanted to point out about the language/description with the poem. For instance:
Saying that something is emerald green, much like ocean blue, is an extremely tired cliche. I also think that it almost takes away from the fact that you're describing her eyes, because for a moment while I was reading this I pictured gems. I'm sure you can think of a more original and powerful way to describe the shade of her eyes.
These first three lines are also somewhat weak. Your description gets better as you go on, but beginnings of creative work can hold a lot of wait. Instead of just saying that the princess was asleep, paint us a picture of what that image looks like. Then, when your narrator says "I wanted to wake her" it comes across as kind of weak. Obviously he thought she was pretty. Seeing as how he was a servant, did he know her before she fell into indefinite sleep? Did he hear tales of the gorgeous princess that was asleep in her bed? Show us the thought process he goes through before deciding to wake her.
Other than that, you have a pretty solid poem on your hands. I hope this helps you! Feel free to give me a shout if you have any questions.
I really appreciate you taking the time to review this, and while i do agree with you on most of your corrections, I'd like to point out the fact that this poem's writing style is heavily influence by Carol Ann Duffy's. I understand that it tells us a story and it doesn't really rhyme but it's a poem all the same. If you read Duffy's poem 'Queen Kong' then i'm sure you'll get what i was trying to do.
Thank You, anyway
Hey Macy!
~ This feels a bit too incomplete, short.Here with a review for your wonderful poem!
I agree with Ice,
~ You ended the last line in the first stanza with a period, so you should start this line with a capital letter.
~ The 'head' feels like you were trying to force it to rhyme, when you don't rhyme your other lines. I think it might read better if you just nixed the 'head' and left it "and stood over her, my shadow..."
~~~
I, too, love how this is from the perspective of a palace slave. It's not a common twist. Usually princesses are followed around by a flock of princes, and I like how you broke that sterotype.
It's a very good poem.
If you need any more help, feel free to PM or wall me!
Keep Writing!
~Shady
Hey Macy! I'm Lemony, here to review~
Alright, I actually really like this poem. It's quite good, but I have a few nitpicks.
First, over here:
The last line seems a little incomplete, so try changing that. ^^
Then (this is just a suggestion, actually), over here:
I think, because you've got the semi-colon in the middle, you can write this in three or four lines, like so:
It seems more organized that way. It isn't important for a poem to be written like that, but it makes the poem flow better and it makes it easier for the reader.
Then, over here:
I think you can replace "I" in the second line with "then", because "I" actually seems unnecessary and repetitive.
Also, over here:
This can be written like this:
So it adds a break and thus, suspense. ;D
Those are my suggestions/nitpicks. ^^
Besides that, I really liked the twist in the poem; how it isn't a Prince, but a palace servant.
Keep Writing!
~Lemony
Thank you! Also a reply to what you said earlier about the format of the poem being more storylike than poetry. I base my poem writing style around Carol Ann Duffy's and therefore write in a somewhat similar way.
I suggest you read some of her poems- they're beautiful.
Read Queen Kong- it is amazing and creepy at the same time