Published December 28, 2012
.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi! Sorry this took me a lifetime to get to, but here I am
How does a serving girl come by good clothes? Does she raid the closets of the other women and cut their dresses up by night to make her own? Spin us a few yarns and give this some character and believability. You've got a good start and some great ideas but it needs a bit more thought putting into it.
Specifics
1. You can edit the first post with the new version! It would make it easier to find/ see.
2. I like the twist on Cinderella having permission to go to the ball and not having to sneak along. I'd like to have seen more of the reasoning behind that or just an extra little detail about how it went down. Did the mother fight with her daughters and invite the serving girl to spite them?
3. Okay so we need a few more details! You have the basics but what really makes Cinderella magical is the fairy godmother and all the little mice who help her out. You need some magic in your version too
4. Hah! Love the twist ending of the shoe fitting on the foot of the squire as I always thought that was terribly stupid. Very nicely led into and very pleasantly unexpected!
Overall
You've got the framework but the most entertaining part of this was the ending and I might not have got that far if reading for pleasure. You need to make the beginning more entertaining. Describe the scenes for us and give us some tough character and some real romance. Then the ending will be even more unexpected.
Hope this gives you a few ideas and let me know if you've got any questions,
Heather xx
The servant girl from the house of Marien had been invited to the prince's ball, but then that was hardly surprising, given all the riffraff the new prince mingled with.
What was surprising was the fact that the old widow, Lady Marien, had actually allowed it. Everyone with eyes and ears could see how much she hated the girl. Nevertheless, the girl was allowed to go.
She turned up, a beautiful vision in white and silver with ridiculous glass shoes.
The prince couldn't take his eyes off of her, nor she off of him
They danced and danced until she realised she was late; the clock was striking midnight, and she needed to get home.
The prince was distraught, never actually having learned the young maiden's identity; no one offered it to him, either. All he had was a glass slipper, left behind in a moment's carelessness.
He searched high and low for the maiden, trying to get everyone he could to try on the glass slipper.
No one turned up, the young maiden locked up by her jealous stepmother.
Finally the prince found someone who fit the shoe; a young squire, barely eighteen years of age. The pledge to marry whoever fit the shoe had to be fulfilled, and so the prince agreed. The marriage would take place the next night, the first of its kind.
The marriage went off without a hitch; the prince happily married to the squire, who was fortunately even more beautiful than some of the ladies at court.
The stepmother, hearing of this, finally released the young maiden.
The young maiden immediately ran to the castle but was not allowed to enter, for the one who fit the shoe had already been found.
She returned, worked as a servant in her own house for the rest of her life and died of a broken heart, alone and waiting for true love that never came.
Hello dear! Here as requested!
Well... This is a very interesting take on Cinderella. But let's save that for later.
I have to say, my dear, that this was a terrible introduction to this story. You just dove right in, and instead of showing us the story, you went on to tell us everything instantly. Now, it's understandable as a new writer how easy it is to struggle with showing not telling. I've been writing for years, and I still struggle with it. So next time you're writing, try and make it to where you show the reader what's happening. Whether through dialogue, flash backs, or even thoughts, try and show. It makes your writing cleaner, and classier. And so much better.
Late? I wasn't aware you gave us a time frame?
I mean, most everyone knows the story of Cinderella, but you have to assume that your reader is the one person that doesn't know that. I know, it's a stupid thought, that you have to cater to the minority, instead of the ones you want to cater too, assuming they know everything, but as a writer, you have to make your story relatable.
Revise please, doesn't make sense. At all.
Wow, this prince sure is dedicated to this girl whose name he didn't even know.
Why?
You're not explaining anything, you're just telling actions. There's no emotion, even though you're telling us there is. We don't believe it because you're not making it believable. You says he's distraught, but you're not explaining why, how, when, where... I'm sure you get the picture.
Okay darling. here's where I have the hardest time liking this story. Because, 1) a squire is a assistant a knight, and was always a boy. 2) why was the prince letting boys try on the shoe? Obviously he was dancing with a girl? This is honestly ridiculous, because there is no way a prince would have been allowed to marry another boy, and there's no way that a prince would have even thought of it. Because, homosexuality wasn't permitted in those days. If you were in love with a boy and you were a boy (same goes for girls) you didn't make it public. It was considered an scandal and disowning worthy, and a prince would not, I repeat, would not, have done something like that. I don't know whether you're trying to be funny, or trying to be ironic, but it's not working either way.
uh... No. It wouldn't have gone off without a hitch, because the townspeople would have revolted or something. This was NOT okay back then.
Wow, the stepmother kept her caged all this time? Think about how long a wedding takes to prepare. I don't think this is very believable.
Wow. I really liked this line. It was a really good ending, and even though it's a bit cliche, it's worded beautifully and I just really liked it.
I hope you don't think I was too harsh, because I'm trying not to be. I can see a wonderful writer hidden under all this telling, and I know you've got it in you. Just keep working, and PM me if you have any questions at all! It's a nice idea, you just need to flesh it out and do some major revising.
Hi, Macy!
This is cool! The twist is sad, but I think it's interesting, considering you wrote about one of the most glaring plot holes of the Cinderella fairy tale.
Despite what you with the twist, I don't feel like I'm diving into new territory - until I got to the last paragraph, I thought that you were just retelling the story of Cinderella in your own words. Retellings of fairy tales and other basic stories can be really fun, because their stories are usually very basic and there are a lot of territories that you can explore with the characters and the plot.
When you revise this, I think keeping the ending is a good idea, but I would suggest going into more depth. Consider what you are going to include in your retelling to make it stand out.
Hope this helps! Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions.
Ha, what an interesting twist to it. I would review the little errors you had here and there, but time isn't on my side today, and I did promise to leave a reply. So yes.
Like I've said previously you need to work on character development. When a person reads, she need to feel the main character, or look at things from his POV. But I really just can't connect with the story nor the character here.
If you'd like a much better review, do let me know. ^^
-TwistedMuffins
I like it and I like the twist in the end but I think you should add some more details and description to it.
For example I'd like to know how the maiden felt when she danced with the prince or what sort of feelings she had for him things like that and also I'd like to see the agony she was in caused by her stepmother.
But a great theme keep up the good work
it's pretty good! just it seems text book. so put maybe a simile or a metaphor in there.