I was told to keep writing
But it was too late.
the coffin had already been laid,
The final goodbye never spoken
Inside, untouched, covered in
crimsom petals, my last and only
Notebook.
I drop the pen to the floor.
It falls and breaks.
Black and white
The open notebook.
The coffin.
The broken pen.
Its time to leave, they tell me.
I don't want to look back.
I don't want to see it.
Following the same path
I turn and go
My dreams now forgotten.
My memory lost.
And the coffin, who carried away
What I wanted not...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hi Machupicchu 14! Whatcha here for a review!
Like SaveDodosNopeTooLate wrote, I was a bit confused at first about a person or his profession dying, but I believe it was the profession.
Moving on to the actual review.
You punctuation . . . was interesting. So, sometimes the
beginning of a
line
wasn't capitalized,
Sometimes it
Was, but not just because of periods.
Remember! If the line before ends in a period, capitalize the first letter. If it doesn't, don't! Unless it makes some words stand out and that is the style.
So, I would add a period after the first line and the tenth line (black and white), along with maybe a few others, but I think you can figure that out.
Otherwise, I LOVED the actual contents of the poem. It actually made me feel, which is the objective of any poet.
Keep writing!
~whatcha
Most certainly, there is no point to anything. A philosophy called nihilism. I think there's some truth to it.
I'm still not sure why you used "who" and not "which" in reference to the coffin. If there was some guy named coffin, it'd be who. But I think it's meant to be "which" in this case? I accept that I could possibly be wrong, but I'm nearly certain here.
Do the indents serve a purpose? Just curious. I write code in Python, and I must use indents in "while" or "if" blocks, so I'm wondering why you made those, if they convey a message or exist for a purely aesthetic reason. Of course, there's nothing wrong with making a poem aesthetically pleasing.
You're also missing some punctuation. You mainly seem to forget to end sentences properly, and sort of leave them open. Rhythm is somewhat lacking, but that can be forgiven, since it seems to be vent poetry.
That's all, folks!
Hiya!
Thanks a lot for your review!
First of all, I must admit writing the who after coffin was my mistake but decided to leave it like that in order for the reader to actually think the coffin represents Death, which I think in this case it would be correct to write 'who'.
Yep the indents were written on purpose.
Lastly, I really don't think we can talk about punctuation in a poem, as the poet has the right to write as she wishes.
Thanks again. I'm very grateful.: D
In that case, very good. If the coffin represents death, it is correct.
I'm still unsure about the whole punctuation debate. While poetry certainly is less restricted than prose, it is my personal opinion that some rules are best retained. Then again, there seem to be no written rules on this matter, so it isn't important.
No problem at all! Glad to have been of service.
I really enjoyed this poem! Your words instantly conjured pictures in my mind- I especially like how you referenced both objects and colors, it made it much more real in my mind. The descriptions you create are very deep.... I don't have much con. crit., sorry, but I really enjoyed your poem!
No problem! Thank you and I'm glad you liked the poem!
My breath caught in my throat at some sentences and I don't even know why... This was so beautiful. I'm thoroughly confused tbh, I'm not exactly sure whether the author has let go of writing, whether he has died, whether someone who inspired him to write has died, but I can tell that this is great, because I can't stop thinking about this poem now. The last sentence is a bit confusing, because it seems like the author loves writing, but it's been taken away, and yet he says he doesn't want it? If anything I would say the poem is kinda confusing, but maybe that's just me not being able to get it, and seriously, this. is. beautiful.
You convey a sense of loss and separation, making me desperately want to salvage the situation, and I don't even know what situation we're even talking about by this point. lol
And no, this is most certainly not pointless, it's beautiful. Just maybe make it a tad bit clearer or at least Whatsapp me the explanation. XD
Overall, great tone, setting, writing style, and imagery... go girl!
Sadie
Thank you so much!!!!
Well, actually, literally all my poems are confusing for readers, because when I finish writing a story I don't even know what's the main theme of it. Therefore we can call them pointless, because they really are. LOL.
So, after reading it a few times myself, I can say that the poem is about a person who liked writing but decides not to write again, because it feels for him that writing is 'pointless' and he won't need it in life at all.
That's society urging him to stop writing and his conscience telling him to keep writing. But tbh, I guess the reader can understand the poem as he/she likes
Anyway, THANK YOU!!!
OK, I kinda get it now, and it does make sense. Sometimes the open for interpretation writing is the best kind, so I wouldn't sweat it too much