Smile at me.
Let me take your hand and lead you.
You'll discover what you have never seen before.
Where you'll find that true love exists.
And that there is a way out of grief.
Hold my hand and feel the warmth of brotherhood.
The feeling that our lives are connected by common joy and grief.
Watch the world with loving eyes.
Let your heart be passionate and true to your beliefs.
And have the courage to be kind.
For only then will you find that jewel,
That lies in your smile.
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139,785 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
Beautiful poem. I read that you've edited it considerably after the original post, so I can't say anything about that, of course, but at least as far as this version goes, it's literally short and simple. I feel like this really has come from your heart, because you're the type of person who'd feel like this. (to anyone else reading this, I know Machupicchu14 personally which is why I can say this.
It almost feels like the narrator is at once both spellbound be the person (s)he's describing, and at the same time wants to protect him/her. It really does convey a bond of true love, and while that may be cliche, not everyone can do it. You can.
Overall, awesome job on a simply beautiful poem, and please, keep writing.
Sadie
Hi! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.
Considering that you joined YWS recently, your work is quite good and you are a very creative and active person.
This poem is a beautiful one and symbolizes unconditional and selfless love in a very artistic and romantic sort of way. I like it!
I did not notice any grammatical errors in the poem. Punctuation marks were used wherever required (but I guess the periods greatly outnumbered the commas) and the words were phrased well. I don't think there's any need for you to divide it up into stanzas. The poem is beautiful the way it is.
Now coming to the actual content of the poem. The title of the poem "Forever" complements it because like the poem, it also reflects unrequited love and affection. Comparing your love to various beauties of nature such as "loving eyes" and "jewel" made it ever more special. But one thing which I'd like to tell you and that is, even though the poem was well written and all, it felt kind of, you know, empty. I don't want it to be detailed and extremely dramatic or whatever. You kept the poem short and simple instead of beating around the bush which makes it more attractive. All the neccesary details were included in those twelve lines, and for this, you must be appreciated. The poem was full of visual and auditory details as well. I personally feel that what went wrong was that your emotions (the emotions of the author, which I consider an important part of a poem) were not mentioned much. Yes, you did write your heart out about your love, the metaphorical similarities the world finds out between pure love and nature and things along those lines. But then, you forgot to write what your heart feels, my friend. Showing what the world feels about love and compassion will not tell the reader about your own views.
Other than that, the poem was marvelous and an amazing one for a starter. Your creativity and talent shines in every line. I read in one of the previous reviews that you had practically re-written the entire poem and you must be appreciated for that (I can understand what a Herculean task it must've been). Looking forward to more literary works from you. Keep it up!
Thanks for the review! It really is appreciated! I don't know, but I feel that if I put my own view as a writer the poem would get way too dramatic. So I just leave it like a general opinion
I'm glad my review was useful to you. And yes, as you said, it was a nice thing that instead of putting your own views, you left it to general opinion. It makes the poem easier to relate to
I found this very beautiful! As soon as I read the second sentence, a song by Evanescence came into my head and wouldn't go away the entire time I read this. It's called, Anywhere and it's just such a wonderful song. It goes perfectly with this poem. I also imagine a broken person finally getting the help they need by a kind wonderful being. It's so lovely. There's so much light in this poem. Congrats to you.
Thank you sooo much.
Well, now it's a totally different poem. Please write what you think about it
Bonjour, Machupicchu14.
I regret to say that since this is so short there isn't much I can comment on other than the length, style, and imagery. All of which I think it is lacking.
The length for a free-verse poem, which I assume this is since it doesn't rhyme, should typically be longer than regular poems so that the meaning can be conveyed. All that you give us here is a sort of love letter. Which is fine if you categorized it like that, but since this is poetry you should take time to make it superior to average writing.
There isn't much imagery except smiles, hands, and treasure. It's rather dull when you list the things your poem displays. There should not only be imagery to keep the reader interested, but the imagery should all connect or depict something greater.
The style as mentioned before is free-verse. Therefore there is no rhyming, but I feel that if this were to rhyme it would be a better fit. Rhyming is an easy method of poetry for some people, and shouldn't be not thought of.
I hope this helped and didn't come off as too harsh. You're poem has great potential, but you didn't quite get there.
~Sourire
Thanks for commenting. I'll take that into consideration..;D
I edited it a bit. I'm not sure if it's a bit better now.
Hey there, Luata here for a review. As it is pretty much first thing in the morning and I'm still sort of groggy, bear with me if my review begins to lack in coherence. Onward and upward!
First Impression
My first read-through of a work is merely for pleasure and not for the purpose of reviewing, but I find that some people find this "first impression" helpful, so I've begun introducing it into my reviews. My first impression of this work was that this is a rather cliche idea displayed in a rather cliche fashion. Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of cliche works (I mean, honestly, just look at my portfolio) and people have given me this same comment multiple times. Love is always a super tricky subject to write about in the first place because nearly everything that is to be said has been said about it. If you can find a new twist on an old cliche, that's where the magic happens. Other first impressions was I felt that your flow was slightly off (if I read it out loud, something doesn't sound "right" in the rhythm) but I liked much of your wording choices. I'd find some new metaphors/comparisons for love, though, because that is adding to the cliche.
Flow
One of things I consider to be super important in poetry is flow. Here's one of the sections that I had some trouble with:
I understand starting your poem with a short line, but the second short line only creates a jarring sense of discordance. I'd combine it somehow with the third line to give that line a similar length to all your other lines. I find that short lines when your poem has an average line length is only good if you are purposely drawing attention to a certain concept or idea, which I'm not seeing with the abrupt stop you have there. (But always remember that you are the author and these are only my opinions.)
Another thing:
Your punctuation is slightly throwing off flow. I would make this all one sentence, using commas instead of periods, or perhaps not using commas at all. If you read it out loud and stop every time there is a period, I think you'll get a better sense of what I'm talking about. I agree with EllaWrites14 when she says that the structure is just a bit finicky.
I've already mentioned my concerns with your imagery, so I won't elaborate on it. If you want me to elaborate, just let me know, it would be my pleasure to do so.
You may notice that I don't really touch on grammar and that is because that's something I still struggle with so I don't feel particularly qualified to give you input on it.
Overall, this is a decent work and I'd love to review it again if you decide to kick it up a notch. You can always drop me a comment on my page with a link back to it and I'd be more than delighted to take another look.
Best of luck!
~Luata
Thank you so much for your post. I feel quite honoured that you have pointed out in what I should improve, and I think you are right in that. I usually write poems in Spanish which is my mother tongue, and have written very few in English. What you have said is definitely gonna help me in future writings. And if you want, I would like it you were able to elaborate. Thanks again..
I didn't know that! Do you write your poetry in Spanish, then and translate it to English or are you writing in English from the get-go? Sorry if that's impolite, my curiosity gets the best of me. I feel like in your edit that you changed the meaning of your poem a bit (which is only natural through writing evolution, aye?) but I like what you've done with it. In your edit, you also went a little heavy on the punctuation (a lot of periods, so a lot of full stops, but if that is a style choice, I say go for it).
I write poetry in Spanish and leave it like that. And I write in English mostly when I'm given poetry to write in school, if not I really like writing short stories in English . Its quite weird actually. And yeah I did change the meaning of the poem because in truth I didn't know what my other one was really about. You are right. I have used too many full stops. I will fix this later. Because this makes the poem sound a bit rough. I don't know. Thank you for your suggestion.
You're very welcome! Have a fantastical day
This is a great poem! I like the passion and emotion. It is quite short though. It could possibly be longer. Also, the structure is a bit finicky. It might need editing so it flows more smoothly. Other than that, a great poem. Would love to read more of your work.