Marion Barnes is a physical therapist working in her own private clinic in New Mexico. Born and raised in the great state of Texas, she also attended University there. She received her bachelor’s degree in biological sciences. After graduation, she got a job at a local physical therapy office as an aide. Working there for a year, she realized that she wanted to learn about it and help people out.
She received her DPT ( Doctor of Physical Therapy) and began practicing at the very same clinic where she continued to work part time. During her degree, she met her husband Joshua. They met in their second year, and began dating soon afterwards. Joshua is also a DPT, and he works in partnership with certain clinics. They are both very studious, and as a result share many similar interests. Both Marion and her husband are involved in separate research projects being conducted at the University of New Mexico.
In her free time, Marion Barnes enjoys outdoor activities like mountain biking, camping, hiking, and kayaking. She enjoys getting together with groups from their local church and arranging day and overnight trips. She has also purchased some land where she plans to build herself a cottage.
She enjoys going to the movies and spending time with her husband and friends. Marion is a well travelled person, and enjoys visiting different countries to learn about new cultures. On her last trip, she visited Zambia with her husband. Currently, she is planning a group vacation with some friends to Thailand. Marion hopes that she will be able to visit many more countries in the next coming years.
Marion is also a constant contributor for a health column in their church newspaper. She enjoys writing, and more importantly she enjoys doing the research. Marion is a vegetarian, and is part of many activist organizations that lead the cause against cruelty towards animals.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,848 Reviews
Hey Mabyn! Black here for a quick review day review for ya!
So, this was an interesting piece. Why was it interesting: Well I don't usually read non-fiction on YWS -as this is- and the change was quite interesting. You have a decent way of explaining this person, showing both their personality and history . . . but you have a number of problems. Yes, problems: Annoying as they are, they always need fixing!
Where in particular are these problems, though? What are they? Well, mainly they're in your style and theme. Style is basically your 'way' of writing, and problems in it are serious bad news! By a problem in your theme, I mean there's a problem in your reason for writing this (or how you show it). Both of them are serious and I'll do what I can to help you! But remember: It's up to you to do the hard editing work! Good luck there!
For your theme issue! Well . . . let's just say this, if this is some kind of character profile then you did okay. If it's a story of someone's life (condensed), then I'd advise expansion. If it's the introduction to a story . . . then you have serious issues. But wait! That's just the thing: I don't know which one of these things this is! What is it? Why did you write this? Did you do it just because you wanted to? . . . If that's the case then I advise you to re-write and try to get a reason!
So, the solution to this confusion? Simple: All you HAVE to do is show that you have a reason for writing this. If this is fiction then I advise you to be more personal and relate this information in a story (instead of solid, like this). If it's a character profile then adding more information would not hurt. If it's a condensation of someone's life . . . again, more detail. If you have no reason for writing this . . . then get one. You need one. Because, writing with NO reason will end up with a mess. Be careful to have a purpose for EVERYTHING you write!
For your style. Well, the problem here is that this was a dead boring piece. To read, anyway. Sorry; I had to let you know -as harsh as it sounds. You have issues. If you're going to write something (fiction or non-fiction -both as much) it should be interesting -fun to read. The first step to making something fun to read is: A good subject. Second step is: Present it in an interesting way . . . yadayadayada. Your problem is in this last part. You're not presenting it in an interesting.
Do you know anyone who likes reading pure information books? I don't think you do! You know why I think that? Because you don't. Pure, padding-less information is BORING! You have to spice it up. In this case -fiction writer speaking- I advise you to feed your readers the information in a more . . . entertaining way. Try to turn it into a story. Create scenes (even modeled after real life scenes). Make it into something someone wants to read! Try it out . . . maybe you can help this piece! If you need any help on anything, then ASK for it (from me if you want).
Something else I might note on is that this character you describe isn't very interesting. Character's (when you're creating them from scratch) should be entertaining . . . interesting . . . real people. But they have to have an edge that makes them interesting. They need to be 'less normal' than this. Why don't you give her a weird trait or skill? Make it so she was subject to secret government experiments -which she doesn't remember, and her whole life is a lie! You see, that's something you can take and turn into a story! Without that kind of character -a bit different- you can't make anything REALLY good.
Anyway. That's it! You've got a lot of the basic skills of writing down, it appears, and when you start spicing things up a bit I look forward to reading more about Marion Barnes! So, what can I do now? Well: If you need more from me, just PM me and I'll do all I can! If you want another review then just contact me (I have a Review for Food thread) and I can A: give you a review, or B: point you out to someone who can!
Allright! Also, if you wanna be real nice to me then drop by and give me some feedback on this review. What you liked, didn't like, and would have liked . . . rate it for me on a scale of one to twenty! I'll love you for it! Thanks!
~Black~
So this is a biography? Is this is a person that you know? This is a nice simple biography that addresses both facts and personal interests.
Put this one at the end, because it highlights what she plans on doing with her future. It is also nice to end on her personal interests and have the serious things up in the body.I think that you should put this paragraph:
Something I'd like you to include his about the husband. Was Marion born Marion Barnes? Did Joshua take her surname and become Joshua Barnes. Or was She born Marion XXXX and took the name Barnes from Joshua? If so you should include the name she was born. Or did they both chose to retain their own names? In that case you should include his surname as well.
Cailey here to review for the Green Team and get this baby out of the Green Room.
And it is well written and sounds just like the kind of thing you might find in a textbooks, so props to you.
Keep writing!
I am guessing this is a school assignment? Writing a biography about someone? (So, I don't know about your teacher or anything, but one of my English teachers once challenged me to get creative with assignments for other classes. As in, instead of just writing a biography, turn the whole thing into a short story. Make is about the person you need to research, and make sure to include all the same facts, but turn it into a short story with a sequence of events and a plotline. So, maybe your teacher wouldn't accept that, but it might be worth a try. Plus it's really fun to do.)
However, I'll review this as a biography, since that's what it is.
"During her degree, she met her husband Joshua."
Could this maybe be changed to "While earning her degree, she met..." or "During the time she was earning her degree..." something like that? During her degree sounds a bit strange.
Also, with that same sentence you could probably combine it with the one after it pretty easily. Something like: "she met her husband Joshua, whom she had met in her second year and..."
Also, toward the end you started to wander a little bit. At the beginning the piece was organized and clear, but at the end you started to just push in random bits that didn't really belong. It was like you were just trying to stick in more information without thinking about how you would do it cohesively. So see if you can make things fit together a little bit more.
Otherwise, nice job. You have a couple of typos, but not many. It was well written and aside from the things I pointed out, sounded very professional.