Burn: Part One Chapter One

by MUTE

Published May 22, 2012

In Burn

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Burn

 

Prologe

I have always been fascinated by fire. I might have been a little to fascinated. I liked watching the little flame dance on the tip of the match. I liked playing with my dad's lighter. I have burnt myself plenty of times but I couldn't let the addiction go. One day It changed my life.

CHAPTER 1

It was just another boring middle school day. The first class bell would be ringing soon. I suspected that Zane would be showing up soon to bug me. Him and his group have always hated me. I wasn't exactly sure why but maybe it was because I didn't talk as much as everyone else. I was just always shy and I guess that meant I was easy prey for him.

All of a sudden I saw a hand come down on my books. They fell out of my hands and crashed to the floor. I started to pick them up. I looked up and saw Zane and his group standing in front of me. "Wish we could've helped you with that but we're already late for class," he said. before he left he hit my books out of my hands again. I squated once again to pick them up.

I hurried to class. "Why are you so late Ms.Richards?" asked Mr. Newman. Zane gave me a dirty look to make sure I wouldn't snitch. "I dropped my books," I lied. I looked around at all the eyes staring at me. I finally took my seat. I wasn't able to focus all day because Zane and his group kept shooting spit balls at me. People noticed but they didn't care. Nobody rally cared about me anywhere.

All I was to them was a waste of space. I began sprinting towards my locker as the final bell rang. I was eager to get away from Zane. I began walking to my house. It was only a few blocks away. I tried moving as fast as possible becuase this was about the time when Zane would be showing up to harrass me even more.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Zane! I quickly swung my bookbag around. "Ow! What the heck, Bella! It's me!" It was Lance. He was my only friend at the time, therefore he was also my best friend. He knew I was an outcast but he didn't care. "I'm so sorry. I thought you were Zane," I said. I pulled him to his feet. "It's fine," he said. He brushed off his shoulders. "If he does come. you know I got your back," he said. Thanks ,Lance."

We started joking around about the substitute teacher we had for Social Studies and about how are day was in general. I was glad to have someone like Lance to laugh with. I started to hear voices behind us. I turned around to see who was behind us. It was a group of boys, and at the front of that group was Zane.

"Lance, pull your hood up. Zane's behind us," I whispered. He did as I told him and we began walking faster, but eventually Zane and his group caught up with us. He was only about a foot behind me now. I could almost feel his hot breath on my neck through my hood. I felt a huge heave on the back of my hood and I fell back on my back. Zane looked down at me. "Well if it isn't the love birds Bella and Lance," he said with a smirk. I started to tear up from the pain.

"Just back off, Zane!"

"Oh, are you trying to protect your girlfriend?"

"Just leave us alone!"

"But the fun has just begun."

Lance helped me up, tears still streaming down my face. He grabbed Lance by the collar. "Now you listen to me. I can do whatever I want and-". I grunted and gave him a huge kick in his soft spot. He fell down on his knees, moaning in pain and released Lance from his grip. We began sprinting. I looked back to see Zane's friends chasing after us. We eventually found the right hiding spot. Lance helped me in the dumpster and he jumped in after.

After about ten minutes we figured they would have given up chasing us and went home. lance opened the top a crack to peek out. "Coast is clear," he said then leaped out. I wasn't super dirty but I was dirty enough for my mom to notice when I walked through the door. "What happened to you? Go take a shower," she said. I did as she said then crawled into bed.

I pondered on what might happen tomarrow. I mean, of course Zane was going to try to get his revenge. I imagined all the horrible things he could do to me. I regreted kicking him but it was the first thing that popped into my head. I hoped at least Lance would be there to protect me. If I got lucky maybe Zane wouldn't show up to school at all. Even if he was sick he was probably eager to get me back and would come anyways. My mom wouldn't let me skip. I finally fell asleep. He haunted my dreams. Violent images of him flashed through my head.

Comments & reviews · 2
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MiRaCLeS
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MiRaCLeS wrote a review Review · May 24, 2012

Hi there!

To start off with I absolutely loved your epilogue. Especially your very first sentence. It was intriguing and I was instantly fascinated with the story.

Onto the other parts of the story:

Him and his group have always hated me

This sentence looks a bit strange... I think 'he and his group has always hated me' would be better.

Okay, this might just be me, but hitting books out of your hands seems pretty awkward for me. First of all holding books in your hand and not arm is already awkward. Not to mention that books are pretty hard and hitting them is pretty painful for the person who is hitting them out of your hands. So, I think that that scene is a little awkward. But... that could just be me. So, feel free to ignore this.

I hurried to class. "Why are you so late Ms.Richards?" asked Mr. Newman. Zane gave me a dirty look to make sure I wouldn't snitch. "I dropped my books," I lied

Dialogues are supposed to start on a new line. So it should look more like this:
I hurried to class.
"Why are you so late Ms.Richards?" asked Mr. Newman. Zane gave me a dirty look to make sure I wouldn't snitch. "
I dropped my books," I lied


I started to tear up from the pain.
"Just back off, Zane!"
"Oh, are you trying to protect your girlfriend?"

Okay, I'm going to assume that it was Lance who told Zane to back off. With that in mind, I think that this part could've flowed better. I had thought that it was Bella who told Zane to back off because it made sense with the tearing up with pain thing (which reminds me, why is she feeilng pain again? Hurt or anger I get. But I don't understand pain). I think that it'd be better if you put in 'Lance said' at the end of his dialogue.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that I spotted a few typos in the story. I'd suggest running the story through a spell checker to fix that.

I think that your story has potential. There's a few things that you need to clean up though, such as the every dialogue on a new line bit. But other than that. You're doing well. Keep it up! :)

MUTE replied · Jun 19, 2012

Thank you. I will keep your suggestions in mind :)



As the notifications drift in I stop and wonder. Why do they take so long? Do they have adventures we don't know about? I bet they do. When they come I will ask myself. What amazing adventure has this straggling notification been on? How far did it travel, and why didn't it take me?
— TypoWithoutCoffee