Young Writers Society

I really like the diction in this poem. You have some beautiful lines, beautiful imagery. I particularly liked the odder things you said. Tumble like washing machines... random things thrown in that while they didn't seem to fit, fit very darn well none the less.

The only complaint I can really make is that I don't like where you've placed your line breaks, often cutting off in the middle of a phrase or thought, and tripping me up rather than being unique or insightful. I think you could handle those better. Your punctuation also seems bulky at times rather than smartly done. Of course, I like punctuation that's sparse rather than obvious. Perhaps you should go through the poem and fix your breaks and punctuation. Might require you to change up some lines, but that's never a bad thing.

Best of luck.

okay i just read your poem and i can say i found it very interesting
and feeling very real.
i like the choice of words you chose and the lines
were neatly constructed,but in some points i can say i didn't much understand it
but that could just be me really, but overall i can only say i liked it and hope to read more of your work soon