Published April 22, 2011
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140,360 Literary Works • 673,124 Reviews
Hello, hello!
Pretty much seconding what wickedwonder said. The language here was pretty, but it was really kind of overblown. I actually lost track of what was happening a few times because of how much wading through the words I had to do. Not that you can't have pretty language, but this here is a full-grown marsh of purple prose. Trim it down, get to the main jist of the story. You could probably summarize what is actually taking place here in a few paragraphs, if not a few lines. Use that to get at your characters, showing who they are and what they are doing, rather than telling us about their past or their feelings. Use the action here, rather than the backstory.
The accents here were difficult to read. You can use a turn of phrase or occasionally leave an '-ing' hanging to show a dialect, but when you write exclusively in that dialect the way it would sound phonetically, it becomes grating. Besides, no one actually thinks or writes with an accent. To each person, everyone else sounds like they have an accent. Like I said, you can use little hints for big impact when it comes to suggesting an accent, but it really should just be that: suggesting. Too much and it just sort of becomes comical.
One thing that did come to my attention about the accents: Why doesn't Bonnie have one? It seemed like her entire family had these thick drawls and she was the only one who spoke normally. Maybe it was supposed to set her apart, but it just glares oddly in contrast to everything else. But then, Bonnie didn't talk all that much, so I can't really be sure.
Overall, this sounds like it could be interesting, hick girl trying to get away from her family into the big city (at least, I think that's what was going on), but as is, I'm just getting lost (that I'm questioning myself is a bit of a red flag). The way the prose itself distracts from the story is a problem. Pare it down. Simplify a bit. Worry about the story and not about making the story sound pretty.
Feel free to PM me with any questions! Keep on keeping on!
~GryphonFledgling
Alright, so, you have a lot of description in there. Your description is strong, and that's good, but your mostly telling the reader, you need to show them to play with the readers imagination a little bit. Mostly center on the characters emotions, and what they are feeling. It'll help connect your readers to your characters.
Another thing is is that your dialogue is really hard to read and follow. Yes, your characters have accents, but maybe you could mention where they are from and that they have accents, because the way you have it written out now makes it hard for the reader to follow, and it seems a little awkward, because, before all the dialogue you had a lovely flow.
I'm interested to see where you are headed with this.
Good luck
~WickedWonder