Published April 16, 2011
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140,959 Literary Works • 673,783 Reviews
This was a little unexpected. When I clicked on it, I didn't know what to expect and I certainly was surprised. It's great, but to me, you're walking the fine line between just the right amount of complicated and too complicated. You're very fond of figurative language and you almost approach a Ken Kesey-esque style in your frequent digressions to expand on the descriptions. In some places, it worked and it was brilliant, but in some places, it just seemed forced. You could probably distinguish between the places where you really felt that the metaphor or simile got your point across more completely versus where you just included it for the sake of including it.
This next critique is based on the fact that you said this was part of a novel. I actually want to go into editing someday, so this was great practice; thank you! That being said, I feel like you're trying to hard to use extensive vocabulary. I'm somebody who also naturally tends towards elevated diction, but sometimes, simple is better, especially when you've already just such complicated content. I feel like you could come across as pretentious even though I don't think you're trying to be. Even if you don't seem pretentious, however, I still think that you could possibly lose some of your readers using that kind of language.
I don't know how caught up you are over proper grammar, but with the language you're currently using, I wouldn't recommend writing fragments. It works for some authors, but it's awkward in your sophisticated style.
I want to reiterate that I think you've done a great job and I think the general issue I found was simply synthesizing all the aspects of your style. Keep writing and I'm sure you'll have great success. Hope this helps!
That confused me. A tortured girl wastes what? I don't know if I'm not paying much attention here.
I think you need to complete that sentence with another thought. Is it completing the previous phrase? It's as though I'm saying: "Like my father taught me to do." My father taught me to do what? It's the same thing with your sentence. Do you know what I mean? If not, feel free to ask me!
-Jailers, instead of Jailors.
-Try to make that sentence shorter. It lost me my concentration.
I'm not sure if there is a need for those three periods in the beginning. I don't think they serve a purpose. What do you think?
So far, THIS is my favourite line! Poor Bonnie, she's even envying birds! I loved it.
Hm.. I'm not sure what you meant by that. Her heart isn't ready, but her soul is. If you wish, you could clarify that.
Wow, your writing style changes from the descriptive paragraphs to the dialogues. I like that- it adds a flavor and an independent voice to your characters.
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I have to say, this is the best piece I have read today. Your writing style is very sophisticated and unique, but in the same time easily understood. You do remind me of the classics I love and never am bored to read.
There are novels that stand on events and dialogues, while yours obviously depend on nicely chosen words and calm descriptions. I like that sort of novels, because it doesn't seem crowded and it won't give me a headache if I read it for a long time.
I only have one remark.
It's just me, but I wasn't comfortable with the overly described physique of Bonnie. You described the breasts, the stomach and it somehow seemed unnecessary. I don't know, but I honestly didn't feel comfortable reading that specific line.
I did like this a lot. Keep writing and good luck!
Wow. Great start. I like how you already try in the music thing by comparing the gum chewing to a symphony...there was another music mention in there...Sorry I don't remember what it was. I could see all the characters and hear their voices, the dialect is really great. I'm new around here, would you mind checking out my story water under the bridge? thanks! Keep up the amazing start. You're very talented, I can't wait to read more