Young Writers Society

This was a little unexpected. When I clicked on it, I didn't know what to expect and I certainly was surprised. It's great, but to me, you're walking the fine line between just the right amount of complicated and too complicated. You're very fond of figurative language and you almost approach a Ken Kesey-esque style in your frequent digressions to expand on the descriptions. In some places, it worked and it was brilliant, but in some places, it just seemed forced. You could probably distinguish between the places where you really felt that the metaphor or simile got your point across more completely versus where you just included it for the sake of including it.

This next critique is based on the fact that you said this was part of a novel. I actually want to go into editing someday, so this was great practice; thank you! That being said, I feel like you're trying to hard to use extensive vocabulary. I'm somebody who also naturally tends towards elevated diction, but sometimes, simple is better, especially when you've already just such complicated content. I feel like you could come across as pretentious even though I don't think you're trying to be. Even if you don't seem pretentious, however, I still think that you could possibly lose some of your readers using that kind of language.

I don't know how caught up you are over proper grammar, but with the language you're currently using, I wouldn't recommend writing fragments. It works for some authors, but it's awkward in your sophisticated style.

I want to reiterate that I think you've done a great job and I think the general issue I found was simply synthesizing all the aspects of your style. Keep writing and I'm sure you'll have great success. Hope this helps!

A tortured girl wastes in the back seat of her father’s Cadillac.

As stoic and apathetic as the gloomy sky on the outside; as pressurized and boiling as the summer sun on the inside.

Needing only the keys forthwith in possession of the authorities. She can see their dull-shine a short distance away dangling back and forth from the belt of her jailors, strategically placed next to the pistol that could end her and set her free faster than any makeshift shiv.

…she takes a swipe as the lines pass by.

As the car lumbered past a fresh and pure piece of bird waste splattered across the sign; Bonnie stared with envy as the creature merged with the ashen sky and vanished.

Yet her soul had always been ready.

“Tock…smack…tick…smock…tack…smick…”

“Johnny Clayton, you stop that ‘bnoxious smackin’ on that gum ‘fore I rip ‘chour young tongue out chour purty lurttle mouth and smack you upside chour purty lurttle head!”

Wow. Great start. I like how you already try in the music thing by comparing the gum chewing to a symphony...there was another music mention in there...Sorry I don't remember what it was. I could see all the characters and hear their voices, the dialect is really great. I'm new around here, would you mind checking out my story water under the bridge? thanks! Keep up the amazing start. You're very talented, I can't wait to read more