Published March 6, 2011
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140,826 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello!
Here are some nitpicks I noticed when reading this story:
Missing apostrophe there:
I think you mean 'disappeared':
'Nowhere' is one word, not two:
I found this story interesting and I admire the way you expressed your idea through the eagle and its prey. But it was quite confusing when I read it and I had to read it over a few times before I actually understood it, mainly because of the hyphens. You need to space them out so it's easier to understand because right now it looks as if the words are connected like:
Also, I noticed that most words were a bit... well, wordy and unnecessary. Try simplifying words down a bit, otherwise it becomes a bit tedious.
Keep writing!
Thien
Excellent! I love the idea behind this, and the ominous note it ends with. I noticed a few errors (I queased as she snapped the creature[']s neck) but you could easily find them yourself.
I think you used 'with which' far too often, and I believe that the part of the story where the MC 'sleeps' was superfluous.
Also, your use of dashes was confusing to me. Try putting a space before them: "I slept in meditation for a time -seasons and years passed." or you could replace them with semi-colons.
It was a great read!
Jenth