vultures dancing
tyrants waving obscenities in the air
women want to cut their smut
so the worms won't eat their luck out
men want to shoot out the boar's head
and embrace the war for spread open kites that fly like candles
across the ocean
dangerous ravines and aqueducts
swarming oppression surrounding islands
vanishing the midwestern cities
turning snuff films into venomous products
so veils won't hide these precious faces
sundering and thundering skies
flash their chord from open thighs
savor the flavor of promiscuous candy canes
vultures glare
tyrants snare
hunters on the prowl
"yo soy el oso"
scream out the citizens of cocaine massacres
instigated by ravenous vultures and mad cow disease
it's the water that makes them slaughter their daughters
and offer them to the sun and bake like sweating carcasses
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
the rhythm in my head makes it go swell.
the vultures and tyrants represent evil in our society of men and vultures.
the oppressors.
the swarming.../vanishing is a method of stop motion imagery i have. it flows from one to the next. abruptly and it's something i choose to do.
some of the metaphors and imagery i use shouldn't really be taken literally
like "spread open kites that fly like candles"
and "promiscuous candy canes" (women and sex)
but i guess maybe i do need to work out some of the rhyming scheme. i wasn't quite comfortable with it myself but sometimes i'm a bit too chaotic with my poetry. but i like it because it's unconventional and i'm tired of all the restrictions.
Yeah, as xanthan said, the first 6 sentences or so are really good, nice rhythm and word choice. But then the spacing starts being annoying.
Embrace the war for spread...? Wait, what?
Might I suggest that you put these two parts together? The last two lines get really confusing. Are you saying that there are vanishing midwestern cities, or that the swarming opression is vanishing the cities, or that the islands are vanishing them?
How can...how can candy canes be promiscuous?
The citizens are bears? And it should be 'scream out the citizens...'
Also, you've said 'vultures' like three times in the whole poem.
The beginning reminds me a bit of Lord of the Flies. But then I'm not exactly sure when you went in the middle. You have rhtyhm on some lines, and then completely shatter it soon after. My first suggestion is to revise that, and from there we shall see.