Published August 18, 2006
alas and be aghast, poor women
for i am a sad and lonely actor
set across the corpses of crippled hearts,
dripping across the pages of your soul infested letters to casanova
drowning in melancholy
you will never find another charming fool
you will never find another quite like me, darling
someone who can constantly sing with an ugly voice
and turn terrible sounds into such beautiful words
that make you swoon for a tragedy like me
but forgive me, now
for i have sinned, darling
sigh no more ladies, for i was nothing more
than a mediocre poet, one foot on shore,
the other at sea
i was like some sickness you loved to hold
i am nothing but a desperate man
falling for innocent young wives
that can murder a man's heart a thousand times
it's so subtle
it took a hot summer's day in the Appalachian mountains
to make all my head over heels fans finally see
that even i can be a woeful liar
shoot me now, love
shoot me now, for i have committed the ultimate
adultry, infidelity and cheated you of my love
do it because you love me regardless
if i repeat the same thing a thousand times
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I like this poem because I despise Shakespeare. Just a thought.
The occasionally "love" or "darling" adds to the perspective of the speaker, but extra words are reoccuring in your work. Just by cutting a few of them down, this could be better.
Wow this was really good.A lovely piece of work.
the flow of the poem is good but as pointed out by Fand this line breakes the rythm of the paragraph.Its good to avoid long sentences in a poem.
There are not really any grammatical errors or spelling errors but:
adultry-adultery.
The i's should have been in caps and also the c in casanova.It represents ur poem more nicely.
even I loved this lines,I can imagine Shakespeare telling it.
Well done!
Keep writing.
This is really and truly a fantastic piece - though I have a few suggestions as far as flow/pacing goes, the content itself is superb, and your word choice is, aside from one point, flawless. The fragmented nature - no capitals, little punctuation, no full stops - gives it an almost stream of consciousness feel. The voice of the narrator is palpable and unique, and I give you major brownie points for all the literary allusions!
Mmm... this really breaks the flow of an otherwise stellar stanza, and I'm not sure I like your use of the word 'infested' here. This poem - or at least, the narrator - is all about grandeur, even if it is just a gilt facade in front of empty space. Taken as 'soul infested' it's better, but might be less blatantly disparate if written as 'soul-infested.'
I think it's just the pacing of the first line here that bothers me. It would flow better as something more like -
someone who can sing with such an ugly voice
and turn terrible sounds into such beautiful words
I love these lines so much I'm currently picking out an engagement ring.
Keep writing - I look forward to the reading!