Deposit one man into a woman's throat
watch red mucous spill out, convulse and fire dangerously into pupils
"i am the mark of resistance" yells out the one legged soldier
he watches phenomenon explode and unfold
torn skin
naked finishes poured onto boiling scabs
flash grin
barren wasteland decadence
aroused from misery
it ravishes lust for murder
"i want to be gorgeous and neon" screams a woman dying of skin cancer
her bronze malignant malenoma infects
as abnormal cell growth erupts from epidermis
she spits out man from her deep throat
she has been practicing too much
having spread open thighs and being on her knees
just doesn't cut it anymore
man bites too many balloons
sugar coated with lactose and nectar
man likes to get dirty in legendary lagoons
but she says, "don't worry, don't worry!"
"it's all going to be over soon"
"it's all going to end soon"
"just don't worry..."
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wonders whatever happened to good old ol' Grammar 101. Punctuation I can ignore but directly ignoring capitals where needed. That's too far. This is simple english.
Now to poem it's self again vague and very graphic but in this case it works better. I especially liked this line:
It makes me think of pregnancy, it's rather flies past by me, but I get somethings it's very horrific and sanguine. See in this case the abststractness works, because you give us sickly feelings truly digusting and vulgar imagery so you get our feelings.
Overall: It's interesting, but capitals help a poem, try remember that and so does puntuation, it helps give it a flow.
Good luck
VSN
Lots of word the typical reader may have to infer here of look up.
That could become an issue, I'm just saying that publisher's themselves aren't exactly the brightest crayons in the box. Even they perhaps would have to read between the lines here.
Your message is clear; however and quite simple. But in reality, it isn't simple. Because in real life this is such a demanding topic.
Your beginning strikes me as interesting and sends a shiver through my spine at the same time:
"Deposit one man into a woman's throat
watch red mucous spill out, convulse and fire dangerously into pupils"
The first line made me think okay, this is gonna be simple, but then again rereading it to understand it more fully I thought, "There is so much meaning behind this". It's an issue worth talking about. And then I read your second line and BOOM! wa shit by something I definitly was not expecting. I loved it. I want more. I become entranced by your tongue.
""i want to be gorgeous and neon" screams a woman dying of skin cancer
her bronze malignant malenoma infects
as abnormal cell growth erupts from epidermis
she spits out man from her deep throat
she has been practicing too much
having spread open thighs and being on her knees
just doesn't cut it anymore "
Again, from what I expected here you threw me another unexpected curveball and again, left me wanting more.
The last 2 lines of the quoted area left me gaping my mouth in awe. I wasn't expecting it.
Your ending left me humbled.
At first I wanted even more but then realized: "No, the story is at an end."
That's all I have to say.
it's all abstract as i've said before. i'm more of an experimental poet.
the woman in the poem is decribed as tanning for beauty from a tanning bed but the downside of it is that it makes her sick and foul.
the soldier is a critic of chaos and a martyr of it. the women with all the glamour is then criticised even further for being too open minded and so on.
the end can be interpreted in many ways but it's supposed to be a bit sardonic.
I liked this, oddly enough. However, I agree with the other comments, I would really like it if was a little more organized and easier to read.
There is a difference between controled chaos in writing and just unintelligible.
Memorable, yes. But unclear. For example - you start off with the "man in woman's throat" image, and do not return to it until the latter part of the poem. This could be beautiful if it was more coherent.
That was . . . interesting. Really graphic details. I haven't decided if I like it or not, but it certainly is memorable.