Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Sorry, but this is too long to post here. So I'm posting this from my FictionPress account. Please help me make this great, because I feel as if it's not so good. My teacher thinks it's excellent. While it may be so for a class, I doubt it is as publishable material. Nitpick, and pick this apart as you can. Thank you very much.
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3133105/1/The-Flames-will-Rise-again
Sorry for the format.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi MRHILL92, i'm here to review your first fantasy story.
Anyway, the title of the story is catchy and I like it, it would make a great title for the story if you decide to publish it.
#First part's review:
{"Oh God. My fucking God. Please. I-I-I swear I won't do any of those things again. I'm a good man. I just-I just…fuck."}.............I am actualy wondering if someone would insult his god while he is seconds away from his death, it would have been more real if he said "merciful god".
other than that the first part is good, but you mentioned alot of names in the first paragraph and theey were hard to memorize, I had to read it twice.
I like your writing style, you described the place and the people very good.
#Second part's review:
{The headless bodies in the back row, rattled and shook against the cage that held them.
"Quiet down! Dead men don't speak, remember?!" Sir Tavern shouted to the back.
He spit some rain away, whilst shouting at his King.
"Heh, they don't even have heads!"}
I think this humorous part doesn't fit in all of the seriousness of the story, you can remove lines 2,3 and 4 , but keep on the first line, it's good.
{"You're such a gentleman, the way you speak Sir Tavern! I'm not surprised you only find pleasure with your hand!" shouted Sir Kane on Job's right.}
Again sir tavern is joking you should lessen his humorous words, for they don't fit.But I have to admit that this line:
{Their argument became nothing but gibberish, and it wasn't the rain that did such. It was Mary's words once more}
show's job's love for mary, you seem good with romance and humor.
in this part you show job's love for mary and himself he seems like self loving and arrogant.
#Third and fourth parts' review:
These two chapters are nothing but perfect you seem to have blend in with your story, and you describe your charachters well. The third part is a little bit short, but other than that these parts are good.
The fifth part is so dramatic I think, but the 6th is good and realy fit for the middle ages.
The last part is so mysterious, but it is good. You seem to blend in with your story, and you will improve.
best wishes.
Thank you, and thank God for review day. You're right about the "fucking god," bit. Thanks.
Hi there,
I agree with VeerenVKS. Nothing is too long for YWS. Maybe you should've posted it into two short story parts? It would fit then, and more people might be able to view it.
I am a nitpicker I'm afraid, but I shall tone it down for you. There was one thing I noticed in the first paragraph that I felt like was worth mentioning. Name dropping. You drop a lot of names into one sentence. It can be confusing to start a story and immediately have so many names and characters thrown at you at once. Maybe spread it out a little? Introduce them in pairs or one by one, gradually when they start to speak, or act.
Next point: What happened to the layout. Somehow the sentences are new paragraphs of their own???
I really like your characters. They're realistic, and while reading your story it was almost like I knew them myself. And fabulous title, it really matches it.
I didn't see many other mistakes because I kind of got usurped into the story! But that means it was really good. The one other thing I was disappointed with was the ending. I don't get it, really. And it seemed more like you were ending the story for the sake of ending it; instead of giving it a proper ending. *shrugs* I think you could've done better on that.
Apart from that, good story! But cut it into pieces and post it on YWS next time!
Deanie x
Thank you very much Deanie, and the ending is only that way because this was supposed to be a prologue. I'm gonna have to change it around though, because I didn't know using animals as house sigil was only a thing from Game of Thrones. I thought that was normal. Goes to show, I need to study history more.
And yes, the layout is terrible. I blame it on Fictionpress. Thanks for your review. I'll be following you and everyone else here. Got a Twitter?
Hey MRHILL92, I’m here to review your story, or at least the first part.
Okay, so this is your first fantasy story, let’s see how it goes…
Now, don’t ask me why, but a lot of publishers don’t like prologues. Here’s the trick, if you want to keep it as a prologue secretly, name it. That’s right, give it a name. It’s what I did, I named my prologue of my finished novel ‘A Dark Visitor’ and there was lots of blood and tears, but you wouldn’t really suspect it as a prologue. If you want to keep it that way, that’s absolutely fine, I’m just giving a suggestion. After all, this story may just be for fun too.
The title, I can’t say anything less; I like it. It draws the readers in, and the again at the end makes me go, ‘this already happened?’ And also, I’m assuming that this title is also a metaphor, which opens up so many unpredictable doors for both you and the reader, which is a great thing. The more possibilities the better. For example, if you named the story, ‘The Stale Sandwich,’ and let’s pretend it’s not metaphorical, then the story would be ludicrously obvious. When the title is more metaphorical, which I am assuming it is, then the story has many more doors and possibilities opened, which is a really good thing, it means that the reader won’t know what’s going to happen and the story won’t be predictable. Sorry I’m ranting on here.
First sentence, I may be wrong here, but I believe your very first sentence, ‘The forest was rank with the scent of dead men’ may be a little awkward or/and incorrect. I think it should be ‘The forest rank with the scent of dead men.’ I apologize if I’m wrong.
I really like your imagery in the second sentence, wonderful. The third sentence doesn’t make sense to me, it’s like you started the sentence and then abruptly ended it without it being complete.
Your description is brilliant, and beautiful.
Your characters are really realistic, and your use of dialogue and bad words is great.
You have humour too, makes me smile. *Thumbs up*
There are a couple of little mistakes I’m noticing, but they’re not easy to pick up.
Okay, so I just finished reading part one, and I have to say, this was really well written. I can’t find much wrong with it, only what I’ve mentioned. I think you should keep writing because, to be honest, this story felt so real!!! Anyway, I hope this helped.
Best Regards,
Lee
I think it depends on the tense. I'm going for past tense here. So I believe, "was" is correct. I'll have to double check though,
I think I know what sentence you're talking about, but you're gonna have to quote it for me. Thanks by the way. Though, there is going to be a major revision later on. Especially in later chapters. So whatever you read now, is going to be changed, or altered in some way. Thank you very much.
But of course, MehPandaEyes, if you're being serious, then sorry about that.
great poem! great structure and use of words. I love the way it dosnt ryme! its excellent and good use of adjectives. i want to read more of your excellent work! your such a great writer and i want to read more of your fantastic work! i love they its set out and i love the way you have used speech and punctuation. Please post more of your work and give everybody the pleasure of reading it!
I'm not sure if you're serious or sarcastic. This isn't a poem by the way. Are you sure this wasn't meant for another topic?
I suggest you post bits at a time. I see you have labelled the bits, if you put a bit up I will be more than happy to review it for you
Thanks. It's going to be different though. I feel mad because I already sent this version into my teacher, and it almost doesn't make any sense. Oh well.
Well I am super sorry; I looked at your description and immediately wanted to read your story but the link doesn't show up as a link on my computer so I can't. So I am sorry because now I can't review it either. I bet someone else can though so I'll just read their review and figure your story out from there.
Nothing is too long for YWS.