Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Fingers of sunlight choked the dark and violet sky. Birds chirrped, bees buzzed, rats nibbled on pieces of cheese, children's icicles struggled to keep their texture against the searing hot rods of sunlight, and the weeping brothers' musical trope drums thrummed and pounded, pounded, pounded throughout the land like water brushing up against slabs of rock on a beach. Needless to say, it was a bright and sunny day.
"Well I do say, it's quite bright," said King Novika.
"Aye, and sunny too sir," said Leragon.
King Novika had looked out his balcony at the beautiful day before him. Wind fluttered his cloak like a banner, and rustled the small whiskers of his chin. As it did for Leragon's beard, and Mary's gold locks of hair. Leragon and Mary both sat down in oak chairs while Novika continued observing the cloudless blue sky.
"Mary, don't you think so?" Leragon smiled with bright white teeth at Mary, whom was sitting with her arms folded, and feet clapping against the wooden floorboard.
Treading water, is what I think, she thought and wanted to say, but instead,
"Tis indeed, Leragon! The visage of Summer is on faces. Mother nature is permeating her bliss all throughout the land, and giving everyone a wonderful, clandestine, nocturnal occasion!"
What did I just say? She thought. Mary just nodded her head and smiled.
"Yes, tis indeed. The women thoust enervate Beluque and Amiguats around the town square. Miniscule ones that bare the crevasse of their bosoms. Mary, why thoust aren't thy corroding such attire?"
King Novika turned around, and faced his daughter in the eye. They both shared a look of,
What the hell?
that only father and daughter could understand.
Mary heard something about bosoms in there, but the rest was gibberish. King Novika cleared his throat with a grunt, and stared his perennial, baggy, eyes at his daughter.
“Mary, I do believe Leragon here is trying to say, or at least what I think he’s trying to say is, well, why aren’t you wearing lighter clothing?”
“And baring the crevasse of her bosom!”
“Leragon, that is not appropriate. If you continue such, I will have you sent out.”
“But your grace, your daughter has quite the attractive bosom! I peeked her in the washroom the other day, and her nipples and areolas protruded as long as your greatsword! Quite a gorgeous sight indeed sire!”
King Novika punched his desk.
“Get out!”
Mary sighed. It’s not the fact that Leragon wasn’t the brightest lightbulb, or the dimmest. It’s the fact that there was no light whatsoever in there. Not even a faint flicker.
“It’s alright Father. I’m…quite flattered really.”
And not to mention, if Mary insulted Leragon, he’d take it for a, “jestering courtship.” Whatever the hell that means.
Leragon loves his thesaurus, she thought.
King Novika did what he could only do-look out his balcony. It was the only other option aside from punching Leragon’s teeth out. Leragon turned his head towards Mary again.
“Thank you Mary. Your grievance won’t go amiss.”
“My generosity.”
“What?”
“Forget it. What do you have in mind, Leragon?”
She asked him this with the knowledge that her gift would be a date, or an invitation to Leragon’s cabin, and he was always inviting her to his cabin. Mary of course, always objected.
“Well, I was perusing of taking you to the weeping brothers’ musical troupe once black masks the sky, and pivots all living things to slumber.”
"Uuuuhhmmm, their songs don't amuse me."
"Well, we wouldn't be traversing to amuse their songs, but mine!"
"Oh? You're a singer?"
"I quite am, would you love to hear me sing, Mary?"
No, I would not. Please just get the hell out of here you idiotic wretch!
"Of course, Leragon!"
Leragon cleared his throat, and Novika had turned around, curious to hear this song.
"Oh, I'm just a cat all small and grey, with a great big tail and a pound of hay, you see me flyin' you'd best pray and say, HEY! I saw a flyin' cat today!"
Silence cut the room like a greatsword beheading a man. Mary, and her Father were speechless, and Leragon smiled that empty, smile with those glassy eyes of his.
"Leragon," said King Novika.
"Yes, your grace?"
"Why don't you go and join them? They're just downstairs as I'm sure you can hear. Mary will join you later."
"Thanks your grace. Uh, Mary, what did you---"
"I loved it!" said Mary, with the voice of a woman lying through her teeth. Though, considering how terrible Leragon was at social skills, she doubts he even noticed that high pitched wail for help in her voice.
"Oh, this is going to be quite rousing! I'll be in my cabin!" Leragon walked over to the door, and nodded to his King.
"Thank you for your diligence, sire! And Mary, I'll see you later." He opened up the door, and left.
King Novika sighed.
"Handsome fellow ey?"
"More like handsome fool." She shook her head, and brushed her hair from her eyes.
"So Father, you didn't send me up here for nothing. I assume Leragon was supposed to know this as well but---"
"But the less people know, the better. So that worked out for us."
Her father nodded his head, and paced around the room.
"Okay Mary, it needs to be an accident."
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I will upload part 2 of this Fantasy comedy soon. Just tell me what you think I should tweak or fix.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
I think the premise of this story is smart. The idea is intriguing and puts an unusual spin on things. That said, I fear that you are falling a little bit on your face as you attempt humor. Your jokes are slapstick to a fault, and as such I would not read further.
I think you need to deal with this story using situational humor alone. That is, this story should only satirize the genre of epic fantasy, and cut down on the "Oh, I'm just a cat all small and grey, with a great big tail and a pound of hay, you see me flyin' you'd best pray and say, HEY! I saw a flyin' cat today!" pieces.
If anything, that should be a woeful song which further underscores Leragon's character.
I think the idea of the princess out to murder her suitor is smart. You have caught my attention, and I would definitely read a little more. The tension and intrigue has been well built. It's just the humor that needs work. Maybe don't try as hard to be funny.
Best.
I will not be continuing this for a long time anyway. It needs major revision. The first part of course. Thank you. I also felt I tried to hard.
Afternoon, Mr. Hill.
I'm Rachael, more commonly known as the Rache Drache. I'm submerged in the fantasy genres myself, so I was excited to see a satire fantasy. Plus, who doesn't love assassins? I know I love assassins.
As I read this, I had to smile at a few of your ideas, because they were dripping with witty satire goodness. I especially liked Leragon's purple prose, and the silent communications between father and daughter. But I think your own ingenuity is holding this piece back from being a side-splitter bit of gold. What I mean is you have so many different angles of humor in here that it's a bit of a hodge-podge of funny things. The result isn't nearly as funny as it could be if you focused in somewhat.
One thing you should pick a side on and then stick to is who the narrator is. Is the narrator someone from our world, so to speak? Or is it Mary? Someone else from their world? If it is Mary or someone else, you need to watch how much 'real world' lingo slips in--such as your referencing of lightbulbs.
You also need to decide in what ways you're going to be satirical--and indeed what it is you're satirizing. That will give you direction...at the moment it's a bit directionless and it's very hard to tell what, exactly, you're strategically making fun of. Is it the fantasy genre? This sort of fantasy story? The characters within it?
And finally, what type of humor you want to employ. There's always the deadpan voice and language with completely ridiculous things going on. Or there's writing in really funny ways. And so on and so on.
Consistency and direction will go a long way in making sure your audience is crying from the pain of laughter. Otherwise it's just a jumble, and the brilliance of all the individual moments is lost in the chaos.
I hope this helps you somewhat, or at least gives you some ideas.
Rach
Thank you very much.
I think I did that. You can tell who's speaking by the way they speak, and their actions. Just tell me where you got confused.
Hi there, MRHILL92, and welcome to YWS! barefootrunner here today to review your piece
So, firstly spelling and grammar:
You tended to use a lot of pedantic words to humorous effect, but sometimes it would go a little overboard and the readers would get entirely lost. Keep the dialect there, by all means, but limit it and don't go out of your way to complicate things.
You had a few tense errors. Make sure the entire piece is in the past tense.
You also had a large chunk in italics. Edit it out.
Logic:
Always make sure that readers know how many characters are in a scene and who they are, as well as what they are doing there. Always check that it is easy to deduce who is speaking. I was sometimes confused as to the characters in each space and who was doing what.
The readers do not know what sort of place this is. Is it in a castle? Is it a palace? Are there guards? Is it a big place? What is this area, what country? Put in small details without covering readers' heads, like showing Mary pass a statue or nod at a guard. Give us a feel for the space.
Plot and characters:
Not much happening at the moment. The only real action happens right at the last moment — there isn't a build-up throughout the chapter, which makes it feel like a cheap cliff-hanger only put in to keep readers going. Watch out and make sure all events are intrinsically connected!
Your characters need some development. They don't need much more personality — you've done that — but some of their relationships and connections are lacking. Who exactly is Leragon?
But overall, a good piece of light work that I enjoyed! Keep writing
barefootrunner
First off, thank you. And yes, I know there is an entire section in italics. That was a mistake by the word processor I used.
"Not much happening at the moment. The only real action happens right at the last moment %u2014 there isn't a build-up throughout the chapter, which makes it feel like a cheap cliff-hanger only put in to keep readers going. Watch out and make sure all events are intrinsically connected!"
This wasn't even meant to be a chapter. I was gonna keep on going, but I guess it ended up as one. I felt I didn't need to build up to it because Mary had already mentioned how the King called them up. Oh yes, and please show me the past tense errors. This is the only thing I'm really having trouble with. And you're right. More description about the castle, and the room around them would have been better.
Oh I really like the start of this story. Great job at describing the situations. I also think you are doing an awesome job at making these sentences flow. The only part that slightly confused me, was the italicized thoughts. I would just re-read them and possible tweak them a little bit, or make them flow into the writing a little more. Anyways, awesome job, and you really have a great start. I look forward to reading the second part! Good luck to you and your writing!