Published February 28, 2010
Something I wrote a little while ago- enjoy!
Come walk through the garden-
Not ours, but the world's.
Come rediscover the spot
That we played in as girls.
High up on the hill,
That dear old sweet place.
Where we made edelweiss vines,
And forget-me-not lace.
Where the air was the clearest,
The colors the brightest.
Our laughter the longest-
Where our hearts felt the lightest.
Where all our hard troubles
Just melted away,
And made us more eager
To bear them, next day.
Where dreaming was suddenly
So easy to do.
And where the sky was the limit,
And you could lasso the moon.
~Mel
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Hi,
This is a lovely piece. It flows really nicely, the rhyme is very effective and you have some lovely imagery like;
"Where we made edelweiss vines"
and
"And you could lasso the moon."
I'd cut "So" before "easy" because I don't think you need it, and I'd change;
"the sky was the limit,"
and
"air was the clearest"
because they're a little flat. I'd use more imagery like the lovely imagery which you have here.
The only other thing I'd change is punctuation. I'd change the full-stops after "old place" "brightest" and "do" to commas.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Very well done! The rhyming and everything was perfect! I love happy poems, they always make me smile. And this one did. :3 Keep up the great work!