Published November 2, 2009
This poem is somewhat different from my normal style of writing- plus it's my first attempt at a poem that doesn't rhyme, so lots of constructive criticism will be appreciated! Also, I've been told by certain persons that my sentence structure could use a little help, so if there is a grammar whiz out there somewhere- please help!
The morning sky turns gray,
Mist rises among the hills-
The air is moist and cold.
A lone figure clothed all in white
Walks among the sea-grass,
And though it be wet with dew,
Not a droplet stains the figure's snowy hem.
Upon a sandy hill she pauses,
Staring out across the sea.
The waves gently lap against the shore,
The sky has lightened-
Dawn is coming.
Silent as the stars, she stands
As golden rays of morning touch her face,
And set her fair locks aflame in the morning light.
Hands outstretched- she welcomes Dawn.
The sun's rays shoot down and warm the sand around her feet.
"What glories doth the morning bring!" she cries,
The sea breeze blowing back her hair.
Dawn has come, and with it Day-
People wake and begin to rise,
Their work awaits them in the quiet fields
Or a busy office.
And what is there left to be seen
Of the woman clothed in white?-
Naught but footprints in the sand.
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141,430 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Amazing. I love this poem. You have such a way with words.
My favorite line is "Hands outstretched- she welcomes Dawn." I can see it in my mind as clear as day.
Go you!
Peace!
First off, I just want to say this was the girl who wrote "You" and I thank you for your criticism, it was needed.
Secondly,
WOW.
You're poem is absolutely outstanding, I could see everything perfectly in my mind, and could almost feel what was going on.I look forward to reading more of your work! Keep it up, your talent's going to get you so far!
Melissa
Hi! I'm Mia, and here is my review!
OK! I really liked this poem - it flowed nicely, and although I generally prefer a rhyme scheme, the lack of it was really appropriate here. Your sentence structure is FINE, but here are a couple of minor grammatical nit-picks.
Change the "be" to "is"
The second sentence is a bit too long - try splitting it up:
"Hands outstretched - she welcomes Dawn,
The sun's rays shoot down,
Warming the sand around her feet"
Apart from that, great job!
Keep writing!
Mia x
I see what you mean, dragnet- and thank you for the tips
About the grass- I'm not 100% sure, but I do believe 'sea grass' is an actual type of grass. Correct me if I'm wrong, and I'll change it!
Nice one!
She walks upon the sea grass? It should be sea of grass, but since after that you say that she looks upon the sea, I would go with just plain old grass, or use an adjective, like green or soft or something. And work waits in [b]A[/b]office for the people, ok? But besides that, I LOVED IT!!! I think that it was great for your first not-ryming poem, very well constructed, and it had a good story. Keep it up!
Wow. Thank you!
This is the very first piece of writing I've ever revealed to the outside world- ever. (outside of my immediate family, that is) And so naturally I never expected to get good reviews about it- you've really made my day!
ok. i am no writer. that's why i almost didn't apply here. for writers like yourself, beauity is in the worlds. you have accomplished my goal. Beauity in literary art. thank you. an imagination is the purest way to express how you feel. I believe you have nailed it.
Interesting, I like it!
It almost has like a biblical twist there at the end,doesn't it, with the image of footrprints in sand? I'd almost compare it to wordworth's Lyrical Ballads, not by structure but by subject matter, the whole feeling of being empowered by nature, and a kind of pantheism theme, the image of a white clad superior figure (god like) and a power running through nature.