Published March 31, 2007
Underneath it all,
There’s a man I love,
A man I need.
Do you understand.
I could care less,
For how much jewellery,
You can afford.
Or the fancy clothes,
You always wear.
Not even the makeup,
Boy don’t worry.
Don’t dress up for me.
I want you naked,
But don’t get me wrong.
What I mean is honesty.
And don’t you dare,
To buy me a necklace,
Instead of saying:
I love you.
All I want is you,
The man underneath.
Some people will say,
I’m in love with your music,
Your look, or even,
Something as greedy as record sales.
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Canary word: Present
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141,428 Literary Works • 674,410 Reviews
For all the talk I read about punctuation and grammar on this forum, I feel like this one might be overly-punctuated. Not in a technical sense, but in a reading sense. The words and idea's you are portraying are strong. You are getting your point across, but I, personally, am hindered from being absorbed into the emotion of the poem by the constant pausing every 3 or 4 words.
Also, in my humble opinion I felt like the last line was premature. What I mean is, I expected to be reading a few more lines before being hit with the big finale. Starting the sentence with
leads me to think this is an intermittant point rather than a summary or finalizing point which will lead to the end, and the forthcoming 'big bang'
nice poem but i think you caqn hide the true meaning more and make it slightly more poetic in doing so such as record sales and talk of money leads us to believe its a musician, you could instead leave us thinking its an artist but.."of what kind??"
other than that i liked it though personally as a reader i find my flow is brought to a end quicker than i would like with short lines....but that could be just me.
i prefered the lines like i want you naked because i think its more to the point about wanting the man without what clothes he wears or amount of money he has.
I think you fall back too much on cliches, which doesn't force the reader to think about what you really mean, or to feel some sort of impact. Your last line is the one that counts. Make every line as punchy as that and you'll have something really good.
i love this poem it's really good