Published April 8, 2007
So, who should I blame for being so mentally fckked up? hah? My dad, because he was never there? Because he could care less, was it him? Is that why I see a blue bunny jumping around, when it’s not ever Easter? Dammit! Or is it my mothers fault? Because she didn’t raise me well enough? Because her hand was her mouth, and she’d beat me? Is that why I get panic attacks, and start crying on the bus, without any reason? Hah?
Or, is it all the “effed up” music I listen to, as my mom called it before ripping apart most of my posters??? Oh yeah like rock music makes you cut yourself…. Gees!
Or should I blame the bullies in school? Making me lonely, crying in a corner, until I was 16? All the names they called me, in the begging it was simple, ‘fatty’ or something like that, then it moved on and got more severe… rumours, I had to run from all the time, is that the reason? Is that why I tend to lie instead of telling the truth; is it why I’m so manically in love with a man I’ve never even met?
Or is it really, like with everything else in this world, my fault? Is it my fault that I’m popping pain medicine for a mental pain? Wouldn’t it be easy if I had been nothing but a spot on the sheet… then I wouldn’t have to plan a suicide every day of the week that I know will fail anyway.
Maybe I should really blame the voices in me, they’ve been here since I was little, when I told people about them, and what they said, people thought I was being funny, also, then they were wittier then now, now they are so dark… like last night they kept singing to me how beautiful death is…
Or should I blame the guy who abused me sexually, when I was what, 4 years old… but then again, wasn’t it me who was the stupid one? I mean I could have told him I didn’t want to, but I didn’t…
Or then the rapist, when I was 13, *sigh* that was my fault again, my mom told me so… I could have fought him, I mean kicked him harder and stuff… but I didn’t, I was so weak, I’ve always been so weak.
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VamPirate is right, that is moving. But I think all of the above are to blame. Our entire world, and everyone in it creating these societies are to blame, but then again, I suppose we aren't blameless either. After all, we accept this society. I dont know. Sorry for being pointless.
It's ok, but I want to hear about all the other stuff, the stuff in between. If you've led such an action-filled, fearful, emotional life so far, it must have had some other interesting pieces. I'd like to read about them, too. Something must have gone right in your life, or you wouldn't be able to communicate your emotions. This reads like angsty-teenage-fiction (not saying it is, just how it reads). Make it real with details and specifics. Use images, define your narrator, your audience, and your position. Also, though the style comes across as very angry and full of emotion, I felt like I was being yelled at. If I'm yelled at for too long, I just walk away. If you're going to make this bigger, mix up the dynamics a bit or I'm going to stop reading.
Keep writing, it's getting there!
~Sophie
I can spell...sometimes.
That was a really moving piece. I really enjoyed reading it, and please post more.
Is this the first chapter of something, or is it just a one-off piece?
I know what it's like to feel that way, really with the whole family issue, and the voices. The emotion is real, and I can relate. Let me know if you add more, and don't worry about mistakes. I am a native speaker, and I can't spell at all. Thank God for spell check.
thanks for the replies, I'm relaly sorry for the mistakles there might be, I'm not a native speaker... this could have been longer if not my mom chose to interoupt me, maybe I will write more, if so I'll make sure to post it
I thought that i had commented this but i just realised i went onto another web page and forgot to post it! Oops!
Anyway as i was saying in my first attempt, i liked this, it was full of emotions, your speaker seems sooo angry and its easy to see why gievn whats happened to her. I like this although is it from something bigger? please let me know i would love to read more
Your punctuation is a bit well meh but I'm not so good on that so i wont post any suggestions, if you need help with things like that i would suggest PM Claudette, she knows what she is talking about
Anyway good luck with the rest of your work!
Miyaviloves
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