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Ideal Roman

by Tuckster


Sword outstretched, muscles tensed,
protecting each business and home.
Dedicated to the common defense
of the people and city of Rome.

The Romans crave a man with power,
a muscular figure and a intelligent mind,
and a woman as delicate as a flower,
with homemaking skills and a personality kind

A subordinate woman, a dominant man
living together in prosperity and peace
with their children, who do the best they can
to be the family's pride and masterpiece.

Sandals strapped on their feet,
men in togas, women in dresses.
As they walk on the paved streets,
admiring their architectural successes.


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User avatar
403 Reviews


Points: 35511
Reviews: 403

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Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:35 am
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Hey!

To start off, I’ve always loved learning about the Romans in my history classes. This definitely peaked my interest! I’m sorry I wasn’t able to find this before your deadline - I don’t need the points, but I do like helping with homework assignments - hopefully I’ll have better luck next time!

Overall, you do a decent job of describing a more stereotypical idea of a Roman soldier. I almost think this would sound better as plurals, in “crave men with power” or “subordinate women and dominant men.” For me, this seems to flow better, and although it might modify your rhyme scheme, just know this: even infamous poets have slant, or half rhymes throughout their poems. It’s fine to not have it perfect, or better yet, not have a pattern at all, but if you like it, then that’s perfectly fine. You do you.

The third stanza is rather curiously worded; I think that’s when the rhyme scheme really interferes with your poem’s overall meaning. Especially on “pride and masterpiece.” Pride fits in here fine, but I’d like a different for masterpiece. Not many families would refer to their kids as magnificent works of arts. I don’t have a good replacement rhyming word for “masterpiece” but I don’t think it really fits either way.

I like the nod to architecture, since that’s a major part of Roman history and their lasting influence and all that, so good ending on that note. Overall, you did a good job on this as a homework assignment, especially. Your rhyme scheme was okay for the most part, except drastically not for that already mentioned third stanza. I say you can take this poem and use it to guide future poems, since this isn’t a bad attempt at a short poem.

I hope this helped!




Tuckster says...


Thank you for your review! I'll continue to improve the flow of this and work on finding better rhymes. Have a good day!





You are very welcome! I hope you have a good day too!



User avatar
364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

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Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:12 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello MJTucker! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Sword outstretched, muscles tensed,
protecting each business and home.
Dedicated to the common defense
of the people and city of Rome.

The Romans crave a man with power,
a muscular figure and a intelligent mind,
and a woman as delicate as a flower,
with homemaking skills and a personality kind{.} {This kind of sounds like that they require the woman to have a personality haha}

A subordinate woman, a dominant man{,}
living together in prosperity and peace
with their children, who do the best they can {this line breaks up the flow quite a bit. it just jarred me out of the piece}
to be the family's pride and masterpiece. {when you do a rhyming poem, you should probably stray away from rhyming with homophones}

Sandals strapped on their feet,
men in togas, women in dresses.
As they walk on the paved streets,
admiring their architectural successes. {I thought that this was about a Roman warrior?}


My interpretation:



Well, since you said it was for a school project, interpretation isn't needed.

Overall:



eh, I've seen better. I know on your wall, you said that you're not that good at poeting, so let me help:

1. Poems don't have to rhyme. In fact, you waste a lot of unnecessary looking up things and rummaging through your mind if you do it freeform. Just a thought.

2. Connect everything together. In this poem, nothing is connected except for the fact that it's all in Roman times. Connect the ideas a bit better, like putting "and over there" or "here I see" in the beginnings of stanzas.

3. All Star just came on my playlist.

Keep up the great work and give me those points!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Tuckster says...


Unfortunately, my soul has been claimed. Sorry to disappoint you. I figured I would try to rhyme just to make it look like I put extra effort into it, but with several of my poems I've tried that and it has worked.

You brought up a really good point that I should connect these, so I'll be sure to do that, and I'll send those points your way! Thanks again for the review :)




I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear