It was a very dark night... the two moons that are usually high in the sky weren't there "the stars and the moons are veiled something is not right." Orion said to himself. he says this because the moons at least were never covered no matter what the weather. 'Hold on' he thinks as he sniffs the air, "that is not cloud cover that is smoke!!! No wonder the air felt tense there is another fire... hmmm no, that is not the feeling of the forest when there is a fire, i have felt that before. This is entirely different the entire forest is pulsating with a kind of fear that i have never felt before. This fear is a very feral, very carnal" says Orion. The wind starts to blow gently blowing the purplish frizzy crown of hair that belonged to Orion. The breeze also swung him gently on the vines that he was sprawled across, it swung him ever so gently that he began to fall asleep 'as long as this...' struggling to find a word to express what he felt '.... this what ever it is doesn't come into the forest I'll be fine. Which I'm sure it won't the forest has too many protective spells around it.'
"Oh how I wish that were true" says Galadriel.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is an interesting little passage here, it is a bit hard to say if this is meant to be a first chapter or what I personally am going to review this as since this sounds like one...a prologue. We just have once small scene where we've got something that appears to be very mysterious happening here..and we do have a bit of a cliffhanger there towards the end.
I like how you describe this mysterious thing appearing here...I like how at first the people here are confused about what could be happening and they assume its a new moon in the sky, then they realize its smoke and things start to get more and more mysterious from there...especially where towards the end it appears to make this person sleepy here. I especially like how towards the end this person clearly slowly succumbing to whatever sleeping effect this thing has wishes that whatever it is, it would cause them no harm but another character from somewhere very mysteriously seems to suggest that it will not be the case here.
So overall, we have ourselves a pretty intriguing starting scene here...its certainly interesting enough that I'd continue reading here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
HI, MJS! And welcome to YWS!
I'm Rachael, better known as Rach, and as I'm guessing this is your first YWS review ever (how exciting!), I'll just state the obvious and say that I'm reviewing your piece today.
I like the ideas you've got here. Moons, fires, people with purple hair, a forest that's protected by spells. It's good stuff.
The main problem I see here for the time being is your punctuation. You've got some run-on sentences and missing commas and more, and if you'll excuse the lapse into personification, punctuation isn't happy when you ignore it. Also not happy are your readers. Believe it or not, punctuation is not some cruel invention designed by evil English teachers to make your life miserable. It's designed to help the reader read your piece, signal where one structure begins and another one ends.
So, I'd advise reading over this and adding in some commas and periods. If you need help with that, let me know! Commas and I are good friends. But complete sentences either need a period to offset them from other sentences or a comma and a conjunction to tack them to another sentence. Particularly, I'd look at your dialogue. That's where I got confused the most. You still need capitalization and everything within dialogue.
Now, otherwise... well, this was a short little bit, so it's hard to say more. I'd say for now, look at that punctuation and do what you can with it--look at a favorite book if you need examples--and then post up again. Or, even better: brush up on your punctuation and post the next part.
Let me know if you have any questions!
Rach