Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Mr Montgomery was nothing more than an adulterer.
He had a loving wife, but she meant nothing to him; as he lay with his mistress between his thighs. Little Cherry was the slice of youth he’d been searching for, and had finally discovered in the form of this sexy, blonde, twenty – something.
“Ready to go again, Sir?” Cherry looked up at him through hungry, brown eyes. “Sir” was something she had taken to recently, as a mark of respect. Montgomery didn’t wish to think of her as some sort of student, or subordinate, however she was young and naïve enough to be.
Montgomery himself was an old and greying creature, whose only vitality came from the stacks of money in his bank account. He could have anything he wanted, whenever he needed it… except for one thing. One problem.
Her.
Loud pounding on Montgomery’s office door interrupted his thoughts on the matter.
“We have news Mr Montgomery, it's urgent,” the gruff voice of one of his assocaites called from the other side of the door.
Montgomery staggered to his feed, pulling his trousers and underwear up from around his ankles. "Yes, yes of course," he replied bruskly. Weaving around Cherry he made his way towards the leather chair between his desk and sat in the way he usually presented himself when waiting for news. With a wad of notes in his hand.
The associate appeared from the other side of the room. Smartly dressed in a navy blue suitwith an imposing stare and shaved head. In his big meaty hands, he clutched the information had to come to dispose of to Montgomery. The associate glanced at Cherry with his small, beady eyes, before returning his attention to Montgomery.
"Yes, well.." he cleared his throat. "There have been some developments on the thievery case," he winked, before casting another glance over Cherry who was mid-dressing.
"Sir, what is all of this about?" Cherry asked, as she finally covered her breasts with her white, transparent blouse.
"Nevermind," Montgomery discarded her enquiry. Why didn't she just leave? He thought to himself. He didn't need her there anymore. The associate seemed to be considering a similar wave of thought.
"Would it be best, Mr Montgomery, if we discussed this alone?" he tapped the papers with his free hand and looked scrupulously at Cherry; who replied with a blank smile of misunderstanding.
"Yes I think so. See you later," Montgomery added, with a glance in Cherry's direction. "Shut the door on the way out won't you, there's a good girl."
No sooner had the door closed, had Montogmery pounced on the papers the associate handed him. He read avidly. Newspaper articles and clippings, all concerning the mysterious Her. Sometimes, he felt he was getting closer to the termination of his mission; then there would be another setback. These articles reported said setback.
"So now they're speculating it's someone from the inside?" the associate confirmed, as his eyes met Montgomery's. He chose to allow the silence to preside.
"We have to find her, we just have to, do you understand the paramount importance of-" Montgomery stopped. His face had been turning red, his eyes were bloodshot. The temper within him was becoming more uncontrollable as time passed with no indication as to when they would eventualy locate: Her.
"I don't care what it takes, we are going to find Her. Double the search parties, the beats, the lot. I don't care how much it costs," Montgomery added, when he saw the look on the associate's face.
"But Mr Montgomery, the money is running out."
Now the silence presided of its own power. Montgomery levelled himself with the height of his associate. "I don't think you heard me." His eyes screwed up, so narrow they were barely visible. "Get out," he spat. "and don't came back until you've found Her. Or it'll be you I'm handing over to the police." With a final shake of his head, Montgomery left the associate to leave the room in his time. He was tired of giving orders to the hopeless.
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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hey there!
Supernb here to review!
The first word that came to my mind after reading your story was "wow".
This story is absolutely wonderful. Loved it to bits!
I loved how you made use of description in your story.
The first line itself is so catchy.
"Mr Montgomery was nothing more than an adulterer."
And also-
"Montgomery himself was an old and greying creature, whose only vitality came from the stacks of money in his bank account. He could have anything he wanted, whenever he needed it… except for one thing. One problem."
I think this was a very good description of Mr Montgomery. Gives the readers a apt picture of Mr Montgomery.
I couldn't find any fault but this was the only nit-pick i found :
"His big meaty hands, he clutched the information had to come to dispose of to Montgomery. "
I don't know if i'm right or not, but this sentence sounds grammatically wrong.
Overall this is a wonderful and a gripping story. Its a thumbs up from me.
The introduction,body,conclusion- everything is awesome!
Keep up the good work! I would love to read the coming chapters
Cheers!
-- Supernb
Hola MBrooks!
Lovely to meet you! This is an interesting work, I appreciate the strength and clarity of your narrator, as that direct voice helps us progress through the story despite some of the issues the other reviewer pointed out. I think Mongomery has a very basic sense of characterisation. I realise that you're keeping "Her" a secret for now, but the way you're doing it makes this seem almost comical. I don't have his motivation at all, really, and it makes his need more ridiculous than desperate right now. I'm not sure how you'd go about changing that, only to mention earlier some more motivation, or to take out the earlier nonsense about what he was missing. I say nonsense because it was overly dramatic, I don't think people actually think like that, do they? Maybe they do, but I'm going to need more than that to get behind your character and care.
Maybe you don't want us to care yet, though. I'm not sure, right now Cherry seems superfluous and pointless as well. Why do we have this scene? Why does it exist? It only tells us some very basic facts about Montgomery, which he could have said from his desk, so it's confusing to me.
On this point;
"In his big meaty hands, he clutched the information had to come to dispose of to Montgomery"
You don't really want "dispose of" here, deliver to, or pass along to might work better? It's the "of to" which is throwing this entire sentence off balance.
I think you have something here which is interesting and I'd like to see more of. Your narration is strong and I appreciate the minimalism of description as I feel like this story doesn't need it, though you might want to include one or two things to give us a sense of space.
Thanks for posting!
- Penguin.
Hey man.
this line is awesome. it is clear and concise. yet, it is faulty because you didn't use your semicolons right.
A semicolon is used to join two independent clauses, meaning both the elements should be able to stand alone as a complete sentence. the second element here: "as he lay with his mistress between his thighs." does not. So you cannot use one here.
You don't even need a semicolon here. Just cut that out.
lose the comma before however and insert a period.
Btw, I love fragmented sentences, and you know how to use them ("...presented himself when waiting for news. With a wad of notes in his hand. ") but I'd also keep a close eye on them. They're tricky.
needs space between suit and with.
I don't understand this. Maybe re-wording it will help.
Semicolon problem again.
the "had" before Montgomery isn't needed. Also, you spell "Montgomery" wrong.
the period after spat should be a comma.
Okay, all that stuff aside, the story is really good. It's cleanly written and I love the associate. That's a great character. I hope he comes again in the later chapters. The Cherry girl's "sir" stuff, I did not get. The narrator's explanation doesn't work for me. This was good as a first chapter. You could describe the setting a bit more, but apart from that, it works.
Keep writing!