I lingered in the darkness tonight, I kept falling, I kept myself in the unknown. In the emptiness of my shut eyes I focus on my hands, they tingle, this is the fur growing, then the bones grow and contort into paws. Now my arms and legs, the pain that occurs in shifting is just about the only emotion that runs through you in the darkness of your mind. I direct my thoughts to a complete wolf body, but still keeping human mindset. If I went full wolf I could be lost forever in myself, possibly never being able to shift back.
I could feel my wolf take over my cells, I was complete wolf now, I still was in the black when I took a deep breath. I could smell the pine, almost taste the wild berries, every animal, every tree placed out in front of me like my own sonar waves. Now I open my eyes.
The smells matched the woods, in perfect clarity i see the forest like no camera no human eye can see. My eyes see greater then my human ones, every crease in the bark and every dust particle in the air my perfect eyes can see. I took another breath, I can smell fish, and hear running water. The stream, is active today.
I took one step forward letting my paw dig into the earth, then I broke out into an unearthly sprint. Every tree in detail as I pass it, I can smell the fresh water, I can hear the ripples braking like waves.
The creak is in sight and I head to its shores, I skidded to a halt on the withered flattened rocks and pondered the alive stream. The fish swam so gracefully through the weeds in the clear fresh stream, these eyes are a fishers dream. I can see the algae the smaller fish nibble on, and I can see the terror in these fish as they are casually devoured by there graceful giant cousins, as they live their lives in nature.
I think it's safe to say I am apart of nature, but apart of the world as well. That's my gift and my curse, real life plagues me, its a disease that has no cure.
The sun is setting and the night breeze is breaking the calm flow of the stream. I inhale once more, Lilly flowers are blossoming, and I exhale quickly. My heavy breath sends ripples against the flow of the water. I dig my paws into the rocks and start to proudly stride home, the day is nearly finished and tomorrow, school awaits me
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
This, I can help you with, I have worked with werewolf transformation descriptions before. First, pain isn't an emotion, it's a feeling. Yes, the character would be in pain from transformation, but give the reader some hint on what it feels like. Try to imagine, every bone in your body changing, moving to unusual places, and bones are appearing on your backside to form a tail. Your skin is being stretched as a muzzle grows. Next, is this person standing or crouched. If they're standing they will fall, period. For emotion, does this person like transforming, or is it something she has to endure?
It took me a few reads to figure out what the end of this meant. Try clarifying that she is still in darkness, better.
Overall: Ok, but it could've been better. You need a better transformation description. I have worked with werewolf characters as I've said before, and have studied up on wolf habits to help me write my stories, so if you need any help with this feel free to contact me.
Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
I really enjoyed reading this. The language is unique and beautiful. A few observations, though. First about your sentence structure; it's odd. Sometimes the thoughts weren't... connected to each other, if that makes sense. Example:
How is pain in the arms and legs related to emotion in the darkness of your mind? I'm not saying there isn't a connections, it just isn't made clear here.
Also, ending a sentence is okay. Encouraged, in fact. Second observation: work on smoother transitions between descriptions. Example:
Not sure what still in the black is.
Read your work out loud and you'll see what I mean. Whenever you need to stop and take a breath, assume a period goes there. Oh, and watch your tenses. I noticed here and there that you slipped back and forth between past and present. I honestly don't know which tense you were shooting for, since there's a fair mixture of both.
Overall, I liked it. The transition between wolf and human was depictated well. Interesting how she can't fully become the wolf without it being permanent; I've never seen that element added to the plotline. Although there was an inconsistency, not to mention she walked home as a wolf:
Keep writing!
You have a great start. Now all you need is to work on is word choice. Adding some new, more interesting words that allow the reader to really feel the emotion behind the character's transformation into a lycanthrope.
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
The 'creak' is in sight? Maybe you wanted to say 'creek'.
'the alive stream' doesn't sound right at all, were you trying to say 'the stream was alive'?
Were you trying to say "it's"? 'its' and 'it's' are different. 'its' refers to something, while 'it's' is a contraction for 'it is'. Don't get confused by the two.
Okay, I really liked this, you did show, not tell. The part about the eyesight was quite imaginative. Just remember and try to phrase your words properly otherwise they will sound weird.
Good luck and keep writing, bye for now!
Hi. Everyone else has beat me to pointing out your errors but nobody else has mentioned that this is a little short to be a chapter and i didn't really get a feel for the character or his/her emotion and personality. maybe its just me. i will look out for your other posts
Like KanenRenoir said, you have a lot of errors and run-on sentences. I still liked it though. It seems like you wrote it while drunk with creativity and inspiration, but didn't "clean up" afterward. I liked the descriptions of the forest. They seem like something John Muir would write.
Creak is a sound. "Creek" is a body of water.
"Apart" means separate from. You mean "a part". Also, "its" should be "it's".
This is really good - KanenRenoir has pointed out most of the things I had a problem with - I don't have time to review it today, but if you alter it and post it again, will you please PM me?
Sophie
#FF0000 ">I quite like this. There are a ton of errors and run-ons, but your concept and description is really good. I can't wait to see what you post next.