Published January 19, 2008
“Dose any one have a light?” I asked taking a cigarette from the pack on the table.
“Ya sure I do.” Annie said as she searched her purse.
“Don’t lose that, do you know how hard it is to steal a Zippo?” I didn’t. I had never stolen anything in my life. I lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply. To tell the truth I hated smoking. But I always smoked when I drank, if not for the small extra buzz then just to feel cool. I blew the smoke out my nose and felt like a dragon.
I looked around at the people that were in the room. There was Zak, Annie, Jenna and Gregg.
“I swear to god if we don’t do something soon I’m gonna kill myself.” Said Zak from the corner.
“Hey I know, let’s get fucked up and watch the lion king!” said Jenna hoping off Greggs lap. I would have been up for watching the lion king if we were sober, this I thought was the best idea ever.
“What the hell are we, Five? Jesus Jenna quit being such a kid!” Zak was in one of his irritable P.M.S. moods. “But I guess we have nothing better to do.” And he went to go find the decaying video tape that was older than I was.
We had been watching the movie for half an hour before I started to feel drunk. I tore my eyes away from the screen right as the stampede started, and looked at the room around me. Jenna and Gregg were kissing deeply; while I saw Zak and Annie walk up stairs alone, and realized that I was alone. I picked up the long vodka bottle that was at my side and drank about a cup in one massive gulp. I suddenly remembered one of my favorite drunken pastimes, walking. I got up and started to pace around the room giggling slightly.
“Hey Charlie, Um me and Jenna are going upstairs is that cool with you?” Gregg asked.
“Ya sure, hhhey, don’t be a fool wrap your toool.” I hadn’t realized but I had slurred my speech already. I went to lie on the couch and sat there and watched little Simba run from the hyenas, to wander the desert alone.
It was about ten minuets before they all came back down and walked in just in time to see me singing hakuna matata.
“It means no worries, for the rest of your days!!!! It’s our problem free philosophy, hakuna matata-”
“Charlie, what the hell are you doing?” Annie said while laughing.
“I’m expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song!” I quoted from Anchor Man. Every one laughed.
“Hey guys I got the craziest idea! Let’s go jump on the trampoline!” I said.
“Dude that will rule!” Zak had talked for the first time since we put the lion king on. What ever happened up stairs had put him in a better mood. With that we all stumbled out the back door. We walked towards the trampoline, the wet grass sliding beneath my feet, the air smelled like all suburban homes do in the summer, a lawn mower.
I was first to get on the trampoline the summer air bushing my cheeks as I bounced up and down. I looked at the sunlight grazing the tops of the New England pine trees. It must have been six o’clock. The next person to get on the trampoline was Jenna. I never realized how pretty she was. He blond hair fell past her shoulders. She had a really pretty face too. Not to mention her chest or ass. I had no idea how I had never noticed that before. After that Gregg jumped on and started tickling her. Lucky ass, I thought to myself. I was too busy envying Gregg to notice Zak and Annie get on.
Up, down, up, down, doge, duck. A game of smear the queer had started. Much to my dismay I was the queer. Alone again. Jenna tackled me. A fell to the ground and bounced. I handed the Hacky sack to her and looked at her perfect face. A thought came across my mind, one that made me uncomfortable and ecstatic all at the same time. I thought “holy shit! I’m in love with her!” still my thoughts. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” I jumped up and bounced out of the trampoline tent and threw up. It wasn’t the alcohol
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141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
well I liked this ^_^ There was something about it that made me so interested in this. Good writing style ^_^
I will just be entirely honest and say I did not like it. Which is OK because I will tell you why so you can fix it.
This was just a lot of stuff happening for no reason. Why does your reader care? Why should your reader care and why should they read any more? First off, you need to start with something catching, a hook. You need to start and make your conflict (the fact that your main character likes this girl) obvious immediatly. I think you should cut this and start with the bouncing on the trampoline maybe. And a revelation such as "I like her" won't just happen so suddenly. When I've had things like that happen to me, it usually takes a few days, because you doubt yourself, and you want to find out for sure.
This read like a journal of "What I did the night I got drunk and hung out with so-and-so" rather than a story, or anything, so it bored me. Why do I care about your characters or what they are doing? You might want to work on developing your characters, and your story writing craft. Writing is hard, there are a lot of things you have to be good at and be able to do it all at the same time, and I still can't do all of them.
If you have any questions you know where to find me!
hi madd
i love this
I think you should make charlie seem more drunk and aware of what he's doing. He seems to sober. I feel kind of sorry for him becuase he obviously being forced into it.
how old are they? Im guessing 16.
some parts were really funny like:
and the things he starts saying to jenna and gregg.
great job
*yay I reviewed it
hehehehe
Fairy
I will say that it wasn't bad nor was it good.
There was a few spelling errors and alot of repeating for example:
Just say ''Fuck" once and we then get the picture.
Really enjoyed reading it and shows us that there is a problem in our society with underage drinking so yeah.
its not based off a particular event but ya your right i do have knowledge o f the situation
It feels quite rushed, yet its good. I feel it could use more description of how Charlie must feel being drunk. For example, how the world is perceived. Is it spinning? And how he feels when he is just about to throw up. And when Charlie is smoking, is he forced exactly? I remember when I was a lot younger I was forced to smoke when I was drunk, I thought it was cool, and now look at me now. I'm addicted and I can't even get them because the age rise.
This is pretty good for your age. I couldn't produce this kind of work at your age. You seem to have a knowledge of what you get up when they're drunk. I guess you've been there? Aha. Sorry for the personal question.
Hey, Madd! Before I begin: I'm gonna rip, tear, and smile the whole time, so fair warning.
Like this: To tell the truth, I hated smoking, but I always did it when I drank to look cool, if not for the extra buzz. It's still adjusted, but meh.
"Hey, I know! Let's get fucked up and watch the Lion King!" exclaimed Jenna, hopping off Gregg's lap.
So you...wouldn't have been? Reread this and fix it a bit. I think you missed a word or two, lol.
"Hey, Charlie, um...me and Jenna are going upstairs. Is that cool with you?" Gregg asked.
You can show he was slurring his words in the dialogue. ^^ Ya, sure. Hhhey, don' be a fool--wrap yer tool!" Eh...kinda like this, lol.
Lol, I remember this part! Anyway...I went to lie down on the couch and watched little Simba run from the hyenas to wander the desert alone.
This song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day now, lol. Use italics for the lyrics.
Try: "Awesome idea, dude [or 'man'][/b]!"
...dodge, duck--a game of Smear the Queer...
Use italics, not quotations.
Really repetitive. You could just use this: "Fuck!" I said over and over, turning red in the face. Or something like it, lol.
My, that guy was drunk.
You definitely have a story, and it's clear what the plot is. Very good on that. ^^ I don't know your characters very well, but they were drunk, so I don't know what else to think, lol.
I pretty much covered my worries up above. Watch your tags, your repetition...yeah, lol. Hope this helped.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
yes Charlie, is in fact, a boy lol
I reallly liked this.
I just have one question is Charlie a boy??
Just wondering.
Otherwise i thought it was fantastic.
I just got the vibe that Charlie was a girl.
Then it feel in love with Jenna i thought that was wierd.
You could try to clarify that more.
Very enjoyable.
Thanks