Published January 13, 2008
I wrote this for a school poetry project... ya.. I dont know how I got away with it Either.
P.S sorry about the use of the word "fag" im not gay bashing or anything
I’m not sure why we’re Friends anymore
It doesn’t seem like you really care
I’ve just become one more of your chores
You and the fags have become quite a pair
You never seem to call like you used to
All ways to busy for old stupid matt
I am pissed but you don’t have the first clue
Now I'm flushed like something you just shat
I hate how you always end up ditching
Faggot Wiggers instead of stupid me
And when I tell you, you keep on bitching
It hurts so bad but you can’t really see
And when you’re pregnant and really lonely
Your table will be reserved for "Fags only"
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That's perfectly fine, MADD. I was simply giving you what I signed up for: a critique. Not everything people tell you will be "This was fantastic". If you did well on the assignment, then that's wonderful for you. Good job.
I was stating my own opinion.
You're welcome.
~*Sydney*~
ya iknow i was totally pissed off when i wrote it, but i some how got a good grade so
Overall, and I think this is the first time I have ever said this to anyone, but you should just scrap this completely and toss it out. This is not poetry, it is venting. I got absolutely nothing from this, except for boredom. The excessive use of "faggots" and "stupid" really weakens this, and sounds a bit immature. This sounds like something that should be kept in your own personal journal, not in the Dramatic Poetry section.
Why should your reader care about how upset you are? You haven't made this interesting enough to make your readers give you any sympathy. There is no flow and you had no punctuation. My first impression is that you wrote this on the spot and posted on here without going back to edit. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's better than sugar coating. That doesn't help you.
Best wishes.
~*Sydney*~
I don't know if there's a particular stylistic reason for this or not, but the F in Friends should be lower case, and you might want a comma at the end of the line.
I'm finding that you're missing punctuation on the ends of these lines. The good thing about poetry is, it doesn't have to be a period and you don't have to have it all the time. However, you're going to want some punctuation.
Actually, that's really all I can pick up on--but then again, poetry isn't really my thing, sorry. ^^;