Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
“OF APARTMENTS AND STRAWBERRIES…”
“What did you just say?!” mom demanded.
I took a deep breath. “I’m leaving, Mom.”
“I heard that part but where? Leaving? Ridiculous! You aren’t a kid anymore. You should know your responsibilities. You can’t threaten us to runaway every time you have a fight with us!” she flared.
“Ridiculous? Is it really?” I asked trying to hold back my tears.
Well hello there, I’m Karia Lien and I’m sixteen years old. Right now one thing is certain. My life SUCKS. Emphasis. I’m nothing special. Just your ordinary teenage girl with ordinary issues but now, now I’m going to do something extraordinary.
“What do you mean?” mom asked raising an eyebrow.
“That I’m serious. I want to leave.” I said with finality.
Mom turned to Dad. “Surely you are going to say something and not just sit there! Your daughter wants to leave her home! She’s not even eighteen for God’s sake!”
Dad stood up and walked toward me. “Are you completely certain that you won’t regret this decision? You can’t leave us just because you and your mom had a petty fight. Wren will have a fit!”
“Dad…I’m absolutely sure that I won’t regret my choice. And I’m not leaving because of our fight. I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time and I know I want this. I’m too much dependent on you guys. I need to be able to take care of myself. As for Wren, you are going to handle him.”
Wren is my over-protective older brother.
“Well,” Dad took in my answer “I suppose you do have a valid reason. But what are you going to do? Where are you going to go?”
“I’m sure I’ll figure something out.”
“Now that is a typical teen remark.”
I huffed. “So? What are you suggesting?”
“I’m suggesting that we make a compromise.”
“I’m listening.”
“I’m going to find you a decent apartment and then I’ll pay your rent for the first month but after that you’re on your own. Within that month you’ll have to get a job and also take care of your studies. Then you also need to have sustenance. We’ll help you in the first two weeks but then again, you’re going to have to take care of yourself after that. If you survive that month then I’ll consider letting you leave but if not, then you’re coming back.” He said with a self-satisfied glint in his eyes.
I looked at him in dis-belief, taking in all the new developments. I took another deep breath.
“Deal.” I said.
He smiled. I turned to mom. She looked like she was about to explode. I smiled and hugged her lightly. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” I said.
I could feel her anger instantly dissipate as she hugged me back. “Well you better be telling the truth.”
Hmm, seems like my life doesn’t suck as much as I had expected.
***********
After three days now I finally get to move into my apartment. My belongings were already there. Dad had dropped me off. I slowly climbed the two staircases leading to my destination with giddy excitement. On reaching there I carefully took out the key as if it was something sacred and put it in the doorknob. I entered and found my haven. It wasn’t too big but spacious enough. It was painted light blue and white, matching the furniture. I had already put my clothes in the closet yesterday. I went to the bedroom and rolled on the bed with glee. I am victorious!...but wait, I think I’m forgetting something…oh right! Shopping for groceries! Now I can buy and eat whatever I want! Ah, the perks of being free. I quickly got up from the bed and went outside.
*********
I had put all the necessary things in the cart by the time I reached my destination; the strawberry section. My eyes searched for my favorite brand of canned strawberries. To my surprise only one can remained but it was on the top so I couldn’t get it. Way beyond my reach. I found another cart nearby. I quickly took it and slowly climbed on top of it and just when my hand was about to reach it…just when I was about to take the heavenly delicacy for myself someone took it—no, they grabbed it. They defiled my pure treat! I was about to shout viciously at the inconsiderate person when the cart slipped and I almost fell over. Almost. I glanced up. Someone had caught me.
“…so much for keeping a low profile.” He muttered.
What? Low profile?
The guy put me down and I was about to thank him when I saw my strawberries in his hand. “You!” I spat venomously.
“Me.” he simply replied. This annoyed me even more.
“You took my strawberries!” I said crossing my arms. He looked amused.
“Yours? But I claimed them first.”
“So what? I found them first. Give them back!” I stated in aggravation. Then I looked at him for a moment. If circumstances had been different I’d have considered him pretty handsome…correction—make that incredibly handsome. He had lovely amber eyes with silky looking dark black hair which complimented his fair skin. He looked about two or three years older than me. But…the observation was only for a moment.
“Give it back.” I said.
He smirked. “Huh, I just needed a snack—it really doesn’t matter which one but—” I cut him short. “If it doesn’t matter then take some chocolate or whatever just—” but now I was cut-short.
“But, you didn’t let me finish. Now I want these. I took them so they are mine. Finders keepers.”
“Stop acting like a kid. I saw them first so they are mine. I was about to take them when you rudely intervened.”
“Well then, it’s your fault for being so short.” He sneered.
Now that’s it. No one has ever called me short.
“For your information, I’ve been told that I’m pretty tall for my age.”
“How old are you?”
“Sixtee—hey wait! It’s rude to ask a lady about her age.”
“So you are sixteen?”
I nodded in irritation. “Huh, still short.”
“Why you jerk!”
“Now who’s being rude?” he asked in amusement.
“Shut it and hand me back my strawberries.”
“No.” He said barely hiding his oh-so-obvious amusement.
I took a deep breath. “Well you can act like a kid but I, being the adult, I am going to solve this in a calm and collected manner.” I said straightening.
He raised an eyebrow. “0h is that so? What are you going to do?”
“We are going to solve this by rock-paper-scissor!”
He burst out laughing.
“Hey! Hey jerk! Why are you laughing?!” I demanded.
He wiped imaginary tears from his eyes while trying to stifle his laughter.
“Don’t…don’t laugh.” I said in faint embarrassment. He stopped laughing. Then he moved closer to me.
“Why were you laughing?” I asked again in a slightly peevish tone.
He sighed. “Man, you’re too cute for your own good.” He said
I looked at him in dis-belief. “Excuse me?”
He straightened up. “You can have the strawberries. Besides, they suit you.”
“Thank—hey wait, what’s that supposed to mean?”
“That you’re a kid who likes strawberries.”
“Hey! I’m not a kid! I have my own apartment and I’m sixteen!”
“Oh so you live alone?”
Why is he so curious? “Never mind that. But I am not a kid.”
“My my, I find it sweet when stubborn kids try to act like adults.” He said smirking.
“I’m not a kid and I’m not being stubborn!” I want nothing more than to punch this overly-obnoxious, judgmental person.
“So you sure you don’t want these?”
“Yes.”
“So you do want these?”
“No I didn’t mean—”
“Here then.” He handed me the strawberries.
“Bye strawberry cutie.” He said and left. I looked at him in dis-belief. Then I took the strawberry box and threw it at him. It hit him in the head. Bullseye! He touched his head and turned to me.
“You have them! And never ever show me your face again” I said with triumph.
He smirked again. This smirk seemed quite dangerous. I swallowed silently. Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown that…
“Sweet heart that’s one thing you’ll regret saying. See you soon. Sooner than you think.” With that he left.
Uh oh. His tone was dangerous and evil beyond any doubt? Is he going to try and kill me? Do I need police protection?! And the way he said “sweetheart”… I shuddered at remembering the tone. Yep, he’s definitely a serial killer. He was even talking about something like keeping a low profile…oh no! I haven’t even lived my life yet! I need a will. Wait, what about my apartment???
**********
I shook my head and continued on with my shopping. I was just being childish and over-dramatic and thinking silly thoughts. I’m an adult now. I need to be responsible. When I was finished with my shopping I paid and left. There was some sort of commotion outside. My eyes widened on seeing the really big crowd of mass media. They were all swarming around three very, very expensive looking cars. I watched them for a moment. Must be some big celebrity or a business hot-shot. Just as I was about to leave one of the expensive cars drove right beside me and I could’ve sworn I felt like someone was smirking. Evilly. I shook off the unpleasant feeling and went my new ‘home’.
*********
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Hey, it's Codayy here to leave a review here! I see this your first post here, so welcome! I hope you enjoy your stay here. Just a caution I'm throwing here, but this review will get harsh, but that's because tough love is sometimes what you need to grow.
Like Lau said, getting an apartment at 16 is not possible. Either change her to 18, or make the apartment under her dad's name. I'd say just change her to 18.
Next, there's many mechanics mistakes. For example, since the MC calls her mom, it needs to he capitalized. Treat it as a name. Another thing is that when you use elispes (I don't suggest using these things), but you need to capitalize and space after it.
Tense consistentcy. Did these events happen, or are they currently happening? At first you were going with past (the ed verbs), but the section where she moved in it changed as if they were happening at the moment. Change that.
I guess another thing I'll say is that the whole story isn't realistic. The parents were good examples. Why was the mom acting really close-minded, but suddenly have the okay. I didn't believe. Why would the father be so quick to just giving her an apartment? Even if it's to teach her a lesson, it's still pricey.
This last thing sort of flows with the thing before: motivation and background. Yeah, the MC and her mom could had a fight. I believe that, but what was the fight about? There's really no development in personality and it's more like some 2D characters reacting to events.
Well I know that was a bit harsh, but I'm going to give some direction. Go to a grammar checker/editor. It suggests a lot of mistakes that you may have glossed through. Look up ideas you're not sure of. If you don't know if something is actually correct (like having an apartment as minor) make a Google search. This part is really important: Make an outline. Not the ones that make you feel restricted, but just jog down some notes. What's your characters like and what will happen in the story. Trust me, this helps so much.
I hope you continue working and improving, M66200K.
Hey Codday, this is M662000K
Thanks for all the outlines and information. And no, its not that harsh. You are just stating some obvious facts which I failed to consider. Your suggestion is really giving me some sense of direction with my story.
I'm 14 and believe me I really want an apartment of my own. I can't imagine lasting till 16 here. Not that I don't like my family home its just that I really want to be independent. Then again, don't we all? I think my own desire manifested here somehow. I'll try to prevent that in future.
Thanks again for your awesome advice.
Hey Hey,
How are you? Ready for a review?
I usually don't review romances so bare with me. (I'm a bit of a pessimist when it comes to love. SORRY)
Here I go: So I looked up leaving home before 18 and it is illegal. Very much so. Not that would affect the story so I will just keep going:
1. I really like the girl. Our main character seems nice and smart. WELL DONE
2. Maybe make the conversation in between the parents longer...maybe a little more valid reasons. I'm 15 and my parents would NEVER let me leave, but they are sending me to boarding school? Maybe, if you want your character to be freeeeee of her parents, try something else? Maybe she could live with Wren? I, as a reader, do not believe those parents would just let her leave like that. (sorry but I have to be honest)
3. This handsome boy is not on ...my side....I don't like him. (sorry) (so sorry) but I have to be honest, I really like the MC, and hope she does not end up with him. Also, he's a celebrity? That's interesting! I like that, but maybe make it a little less obvious? The audience knows, MC doesn't, it doesn't add tension.
Anyone, I really liked the vibe the story gave. The independence every teenager dreams of was set here. Well Done!
Love,
Lau.
Hey Lau, this is M662000K
Thanks for your review and I'm really glad you liked my MC.
And as for your suggestion, I'm going to edit this chapter and re-post it. I feel that it really needs some more work.
Also, you don't need to be sorry for being honest. The main reason I joined YWS is to improve my writing style and how can I do that without such constructive criticism? So thanks!
As for my handsome boy...don't worry. He isn't a celebrity; quite the opposite actually and MC won't end up with him.
Thanks and please keep on reviewing! ^_^
He doesn't end up him that boy? Ohhhh, this is turning into a very different chapter than I thought it would be.
Well, you can still be kind and criticize! Tell me if you post more! I would love to read it!
Well no, actually she doesn't. But the guy still is an important part of the plot.

Oh and I'd be sure to tell you if I post anything else. Thanks for the response!