Published December 13, 2007
I am that good of a poem writer! Crit welcome.
_______________________
The light pitter-patter,
Of the rain drumming on my head,
Hide my tears, like nothing the matter.
So long did I wait,
For you to come,
And rearrange my fate.
I wondered about you and I
Why we were separated
And why you lie.
Your treats are tricks
Disguised as humble gestures,
Just for kicks.
I once loved you,
I am now disgusted,
Now, I despise you.
I don’t care what you say,
I’m not even listening,
I don’t care if that’s not okay.
This is not about me, but you,
A never-ending poem,
On how much I hate you.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
You have a really good idea going! But I have to agree with Abbisnail.The problem is the:
a) structure
b) forced rhymes
c) not enough detail!
Sure, you've made it clear that you hate someone. Now tell us...WHY do you hate that "someone". You tell of how the person "lied", but what exactly did they lie about? This could use a lot more. But we can all definately tell that you are angry at someone!
i like the idea but the poem itself is so-so. there was a lot of forced rhyme and some parts were really repetitive. you might want to just go through and eliminate all the junk. i think that would make it a lot better.
best-
~abby~
This is bad English. I'm not talking about the poem yet, you understand. I'm talking about your use of the English language.
Despite a nice opening stanza, your subject was bland, your rhymes were forced and you had no syllable scheme whatsoever. Read some other poetry and listen to some music if you want to rhyme, it will help.
Hey M.B. that was really good!(even if it was possibly written about me) Sorry i missed the time, i forgot I had a school concert to go to. Oops! See ya 'round!
--Lucky
your feelings sure come out in this. i can tell you wrote while feeling them. that is good.
The light pitter-patter,
Of the rain drumming on my head,
Hide my tears, like nothing the matter. ( i would change this line, to Hide my tears, like nothing is wrong. like nothing the matter is fragmented and stops the flow.
other then that i can totally relate to this, the emotion is very strong.
kim
Wow M.B.! I really like this poem... but I can't help but feel that you forced some of the rhyme I liked the last stanza alot! Maybe you could expand on why you hate them that much. A story perhaps? Where are you? Why can't you get them out of your head? I don't know just a thought. Good luck, as always-
Max