The light shown through the clouds on a late Tuesday afternoon. On the beach of New Zealand, Zoey was watching the waves churn from her chair on her porch. It was after school and she knew it would rain soon. She was good with weather, especially New Zealand’s weather. Maybe it was because she had grown up on the small island off the northern shore of Australia. Zoey was now twenty and going to a nearby college that she could walk to form her little white house. She owned the house all to her self. Her father was a very rich man back in the states now and was founding her schooling and her rent. Zoey could have gone to the states with her father, but she loved her native land of New Zealand and the thought of going to a huge, expensive college from a entirely different country made her shudder. So she was relieved when her father let her stay, and Zoey knew why. Usually her stern father would demand his way, but after he did that to Zoey’s older sister Meg, she disappeared, and they still don’t know what happened to her.
Rain started pounding on the big palm leaves that surrounded her house. “Knew it” Zoey murmured under her breathe as she scooted more under her roofed patio. She could still hear children squealing in the road in the front of her house. She went back to when her and her sister played on days like this. Smiling, Zoey went out front to see the children being rounded up by parents popping their heads out of their houses. As she watched, a sound of a truck was coming down their dirt road. At that moment a little boy slipped and fell in the mud crying. Watching with anticipation, Zoey saw the truck appear and come ever so closer to the boy crying. She could see a mother calling her son in the corner of her eye. Taking a deep breathe, and she ran out into the street a grabbing the boys hand and hoisting him up onto her hip and running out of the way of the truck who honked loudly as he passed.
“Watch were your going!’ She yelled after him, and then turned to the boy. “You okay kid?” The little boy nodded and wrapped his arms around her neck. Zoey walked over to the mother, whimpering the boys name under her breath as they exchanged him form her hip the mother’s. “Be more careful next time, I might not have been there and you could have gotten hurt.” Zoey told him as she was leaving. Nodding again the boy started talking to his mother. Zoey wanted to hear what they were saying but the drowning of the rain muffled them.
She reached her house soaked and shivering. New Zealand’s temperature is hot and sticky. But when it rains (which is about 50% of the time), it gets chilly, especially getting so close to winter. Zoey ran through her house to find some towels and dried her tan arms and legs dry. Wrapping her hair up in a towel, she walked to her kitchen to find her kettle and start making her favorite tea, home made dried raspberry mix with a squirt of pineapple juice and lemon wedges. Making it was so easy and routine that she could easily do it wit her eyes closed. When reaching for her mug, the earth started tremble. At first Zoey thought that it was her eyesight getting blurry from the water dripping from her eyes. But when she almost fell over from a quake she knew it was an earthquake. An earthquake! She hadn’t ever been in one. In panic Zoey ran out of her house and then the earth split. The earth split right in front of her. Coming right down the street, heading towards her. Like a deer in headlights, she froze. She had seen something like this in drama movies or in video games, even in a nightmare. Time went still as the crack inched en road. Gasping it went between her legs and she feel through.
The next thing she knew she was standing in the middle of a giant rift in the road. She stood there for a moment, amazed at the sequence of events that just took place. Blinking rapidly, she checked her arms for bruises. Yep a little black and blue, but not to bad. Sighing she started to get out of the crack. Heaving herself up, her hands slipped in the wet mud. Trying again she discovered her leg was stuck. She took a minuet to think this over.
“At least it is not raining,” she mumbled aloud. Jinx! Rain poured down on her head. “Man!”
She thought over her predicament. The rumbling of the earth had stopped and everything but this giant rift in the middle of the road, things looked pretty normal. Trying again to unstick her foot form the whole, she failed. The rain started letting up and the sun was peeking through.
Lightly an aftershock trembled through. With more moving of the earth, her foot was squeezed against to sharp stone causing her to yelp. More trembles followed during the next ten minuets. But after peace for fifteen minuets, the earthquake was officially over. Zoey had tried a couple of times to get out in this twenty five-minuet period but to no avail. Soon she started to see some children sneaking out of their houses. Counting the plucky little boy who had almost been in the same circumstance as her earlier.
“Hey! Some help please?” she called out to any willing helpers. Some kids started laughing at her and some other got scared and ran back into their homes. The little boy she had saved before came over to her.
“Why are you in the ground?” He asked.
“Oh, I just like standing in ditches.” She responded sarcastically.
“Okay, so you don’t want help?” Said the little boy turning around heading back to his house.
“Kidding, kidding, I kid. Please help me out.” Zoey wailed. The little boy kept walking to his house and soon disappeared from sight. “Ungrateful little –“ Zoey started to say when the boy came out of his house again with three bigger boys in tow. She saw one start to snicker, but when she shot him a glare he stood up straight and stopped. They stood around her and examined how to get her out. The one that had snickered earlier ran back to the house and brought out a shovel on his return.
“What is stuck?” One of them asked.
“My head. No my foot silly.” She said rolling
“I knew that, but which foot?” He retorted.
“My left.” She said checking sending a wave of pain shooting through her leg. “Yeah my left”
The snickering boys started shoveling around her body mumbling to himself about something. After some heavy digging they got the ditch wider and she could see the two sharp rocks entrapping her leg. Zoey tried to move the rocks herself but was extremely unsuccessful in doing so. The biggest of the boys jumped down beside her and picked up on e of the rocks as if it was a golf ball and threw it over his shoulder. With one rock out of the way she was able to slide her foot away from the other and was free.
“Thank you so much!” Zoey cried as she claimed out of the gully.
“Now we’re even!” The boy said to her.
“You’re right” Zoey said. She had almost forgotten about her saving him earlier. “I guess being stuck in a crack made by an earthquake for thirty minuets makes you forget other things.” She said now smiling. The family went back to their house leaving Zoey alone in the middle of the street. The sun was now shinning and cool gusts blew her hair in front of her face. “Gah” she murmured brushing her face clear when she saw something go into her house from the corner of her eye. Coming back into reality she got out of the road and jogged into her house.
Zoey heard a crash from upstairs, frightening her to death. Not turned caring to call for help or pick up a weapon she ran up her steps and checked in all the rooms. Nope, not in the guest bedroom. Nope, not in the bathroom. Nope, not in the study. Yes, in the master bedroom. A chill ran down her spine as she crept up to the door way watching someone look though her drawers. Her things, her room, her house.
The thief was wearing a black sweatshirt with the hood over the head and bright green pants.
“What’s going on here?!” Zoey yelled, surprised by the clarity and forcefulness of her own words. She could see the thief have a chill for she shivered and stood up and toward Zoey. The hood covered her eyes, but Zoey knew she wouldn’t be able to see it anyway, for a white mask with feathers and glitz hid its face. “What the heck?” Zoey whispered.
The burglar raced toward her with full force ramming Zoey against the door. Zoey let out a gasp and squirmed out of the grip of the burglar. Free from its grip Zoey picked up a book and threw it at the burglar hitting it on the head. Zoey could hear a muffled curse from the thief.
“Get out of my house you thing!” Zoey yelled armed with another book.
“I don’t think so.” It said and pulled out a gun form its pants loop.
Zoey’s eyes got wide and backed away. A burst of lighting split the sky followed by a booming clap of thunder. The loud boom broke the tension giving Zoey an opening. She threw the book followed by a heavy vase. With the book in the air the burglar shoot it. The vase followed the books doom and they both laid on the e ground in-between them. The case, now in pieces and the book, with a clean cut whole right through it. Zoey’s eyes widened to the size of the moon and got down on her knees, with her arms in the air. She closed her eyes and e tear fell down her cheek.
The burglar came up to her and raised her arm and let it fall with full force making the butt of the gun knock Zoey unconscious.
“Sorry Zoë.” She thought she heard as it all went black.
Zoey woke up in a dark room. Very dark. She didn’t quite remember anything till the throbbing pain in head sent shivers down her spine. She tried to reach it with her hand to see if it was bleeding and found her arms tied. With some squirming she discovered her legs were tied too, and not to mention her mouth was gagged. Zoey sat in the dark room and tried to figure out were she was. With a little scoot she hit something soft. A hung up shirt. It didn’t take her long to realize she was sitting in her closet.
Suddenly she heard her door squeal open. Then followed by feet slowly thudding toward the closet. Zoey held her breath as the foot steps neared, closer and closer.
Thud, thud, thud, thud. Closer till they stopped right outside the closet door. The door slowly creaked open and sunlight poured in burning her eyes.
“ZOEY!?” a familiar voice sounded. Zoey squinted up to see her best friends face peering down at her. “What the heck happened to you? Here let me help you. How long have you been in here?” She kept throwing questions that Zoey couldn’t answer.
Removing her gag Zoey’s best friend started with the knots around her hands.
“You know, your head is bleeding.”
“Wow thanks for the info Natalie” Zoey retorted, trying to stand up. “It was so weird, Natalie, I had the strangest day ever!”
“Tell me about it Zoë” Natalie inquired.
“Zoë. Zoë. ZOE! That’s what it called me!” Zoey blurted out.
“Whoa there girl. Who?”
“The burglar who tied me up! It was in my house after the boys dug me out of the earthquake. She said sorry Zoë right before she hit me on the head with the butt of the gun.” Zoey said fast trying to put pieces together but came up with nothing.
“So you were stuck in a earthquake…?”
“That’s not the point. That means the person who robbed me knew me. And was really good with a gun.” Zoey said.
“Uh, sounds like you sis-“ Natalie wasn’t able to finish. A knock on the door sounded scaring the girls.
“Come on!” Zoey said as she ran out of the room.
“Man, Zoey has always had such a exciting life.” Natalie said to herself as she followed Zoey down.
A squeal of tires sounded as Zoey opened the door. It was the same truck that had almost hit her and the boy earlier. From the rearview window Zoey could see it was the burglar. “Stop!” Zoey yelled trying to catch up. She tripped over something before she could get off her porch.
“Oww! What was that?” She said rubbing her ankle.
‘It’s a fruit basket” Natalie said picking up the basket.
“A what?” Zoey asked.
A basket, filler with fruit. Usually used as a gift.” Natalie said chuckling to herself.
“I knew that, but why did I get one?”
“There’s a note!”
“Read it dumb-dumb.” Zoey blurted out hurriedly.
“Okay it says:
“NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN SIS”
Points:
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Hey, M.B.Author!
Wow, Zoey had kind of a terrible day. XD I thought she was an interesting character, though--the bit about her knowing the weather was really cool. Some people are just good at that sort of thing.
A few things to think about:
- If an earthquake is strong enough to pull the Earth apart, it's going to leave most houses leveled. And if it's pulled apart, it also pushes itself back together (during the 1906 San Andreas earthquake, a bunch of farmers noted that their cows fell into the gaps and then were squished. Gross, right?). It depends on the kind of fault--divergent faults that stay rifted are extremely rare. Most seismologists can predict earthquakes, or can tell you whether or not an area is "overdue" for a big one.
- Bruises take awhile to form, unless you have a blood blister, which requires a different kind of impact.
- What's the difference between Zoey and Zoë? I thought they were the same thing. Granted, I'm not well versed in European languages, so I wouldn't know how to pronounce "ë", and most of your readers won't know, either.
LOOSE THREADS
The ending of this story was very unsatisfying. On the one hand, it was very clever and ironic, but on the other, it left a lot of questions unanswered. The whole story felt very random, and it's the ending's job to clear that up. The earthquake, especially, was weird--wouldn't the house have fallen down? Isn't she still kind of scared that there will be more aftershocks? Isn't she hurt? What about the kid from the beginning? And what does her "gift" with weather have anything to do with anything?
Like Choco said, make sure that you slow down when you get to the ending. In a lot of ways, it's the most important part of the story as a whole--it's what your readers are going to remember the most. It's something to take your time on. ^_~
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Thanks for the read, M.B.Author! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
To be honest, this wasn't the best piece of writing I've seen. There were a lot of mistakes (easy to pick up if you go through it carefully but I'll point a couple out to you just so you know), and it was really random. And fast. Everything happened at lightening speed. Zoey had just saved this little boy, and then she's trapped, and then she's being robbed, and then she's in her cupboard, and then she's out and then she's receiving a fruit basket. Slow down, explain things more, make it interesting for the reader.
This should really be,
“Why are you in the ground?” [s]H[/s]he asked.
“Oh, I just like standing in ditches[s].[/s],” [s]S[/s]s[/b]he responded sarcastically.
You do this a lot. It's easy to fix up, you just need to look more carefully before you post because it's really annoying to read.
Apart from slowing down (I'd suggest cutting it into a couple more parts so you can get the most out of everything), you don't show us anything. It's just telling, reeling off facts that 1) we could find out in a much more interesting way and 2) we don't need to know.
The ending is definitely rushed. Slow down, give it some emotion, make your reader get something from it.
Let me know if you edit this so I can critique it again.
Best of luck!