Published December 10, 2007
Winter is not the same,
When you aren't here,
I know I cannot be here to blame.
The Christmas lights are gleaming,
But,they look duller this year,
And I don't feel like cheering.
I know your in a better place,
but I can't forget you,
That is the case.
No more gifts from me
to you,
I know what I need to be.
To make you smile,
down from heaven,
Is to go the extra mile.
-------
Tell me what you think.
Crit welcomed!
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
i liked this alot. it is sad to lose someone and the holidays seem to deepen the loss. i am glad you posted this.
kimi
Nice idea, very touching and I like the rhyme scheme, when you had it. I am a stickler for flow and scan, though, and this has neither. My advice is to try and maintain that lovely odd little rhyme scheme you had going in the first two stanzas.
Gleaming and cheering don't rhyme, although it is a wonderful bit of poetry. Perhaps, "The Christmas tree is so bright, I can barely get near it/ but it looks duller this year/and I don't feel the spirit"? I couldn't help myself.
It's "you're." Proofread.
You have a nice poetic voice, and a heart to match. It's the few technicalities present that drag your work down.
Well, let's see. I get the point, but it isn't clear. And this feels very forced? There are places where the flow is completely broken and places where there was never a flow to begin with.
I don't really feel like there should be a break betwen the first and second line, ditch the comma. I'm also not entirely sure what you are trying to say in the last line? I'm assuming it's something like "I know I'm not to blame" but throwing the "be here to" into it really makes it confusing and nonsensical.
Space between "but," and "they". I don't really like the first line in conjuction with the second, they are either gleaming or they aren't.
The last line screams "I couldn't find anything else to rhyme with place". It's out of place, pointless, and ridiculously forced--hence what I was talking about above. Find something else.
This whole stanza is weird. The second line breaks the flow, none of the other stanzas have a second line this short. And the last line is much like the last line in the first stanza, confusing and nonsensical.
This would be a good concluding stanza if it had anything to do with the rest of the poem. The whole poem is about Christmas...and now it's the extra mile? Try to keep to one theme in it.
Anyways, Happy editing!
I like it. No errors I could see.