Published June 26, 2007
Sorry that I have not done a story in so long. My life has been a blur. Well
you don't care. This is somewhat based on a true story. I don't know if I will
continue this story. Tell me what you think.
***
"What!? Autumn is coming over? Yes!" I just got the news that Autumn is
coming over. Autumn, my cousin was most defiantly coming over. Autumn
was twelve, well, almost twelve. Sometime in July, I think she would turn
twelve. Yes, what a good cousin I am. And she was born in 1995.
Me, I am twelve. At least I know that. My name Aubrey. I know that too.
And I was born in 1995. Me and Autumn were not as close as I was with
other cousins, but we likes each other enough to be happy to get together.
Even though we live closer then other do, we don't see each other much.
But we always have so much fun. I was totally look forward to getting
together.
We were planing getting together on Sunday, but it was Friday and yes, she
was coming over. But the reason was not the best. Actually, it was bad,
really bad. My grandfather got his blood pressure really high, so Autumn
had to be watched why her mom went to the hospital. It was better then
waiting for two or three days to get together. So I sprang on the opportunity
and quickly jammed all my clothes into my closet and pushed and banged
it closed. When my room was cleaned up, I got ready for the day.
Finally, at about 11:00 A.M. their white car pulled up in front of the mail
box. Autumn got out and grabbed her bag and ran up our stairs and rushed
to the door. I opened it and we started to talk at once to each other, not
listening to each other. We stopped our random speeches and said hi and
we stood in the foyer embarrassed that we did not let each other talk.
"Hey! Want to check out my new Apple Laptop?" I asked. i had told her a
little about, maybe just That I got it.
"Yeah!" She reasoned, smiling. Apparently she was excited. I headed up
stairs.
Autumn loved pets, and did not have any of her own. I did not have any
either. I twas just my luck that I was pet-sitting a dog. The dogs name was
Max. He was an old golden retriever. Eleven years of age. He was an
obedient dog and had weird old habits. He sometimes had to be told to
eat. I haven't found out why yet. But, I don't know if I want to know. Anyway
I wanted to see if Autumn wanted to go. Of coarse, she did. I had their key
and I started to head for the foyer, were the key was. I reached for it. My
mo was still talking to my aunt and she saw me and said " What are you
doing? Max doesn't need to be feed."
"Well, Autumn wants to see him." I said. That's how the first fight started.
They were plenty more coming up.
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141,470 Literary Works • 674,492 Reviews
I don't know what to say. Um...thanks? I guess the first two were harsh and informative, while the last ones were nice, encouraging and a little insightful. I don't think I will be writing any more of this story *tear*, but I think it is for the best. Oh, well. Maybe if some people were nicer and less mean I would keep going! JK. Anyway, thanks for the corrections.
-- M.B.Author
Surely the author knows how young twelve is, since she is twelve herself?
Anyway, I think it's cute
Hey MB!!!
It is too bad that you were in such a hurry that you couldn't fix any mistakes, I bet you were also tired. Anyway, that was pretty good, you should add that Darkbeast and TheronGuard got together as well, oh and try describing Autumn and yourself, that will help the image.... also describe you house, from your perspective.... Other than that, it was really good.
--Lucky_Duck
it's definitely cute,
but maybe you should establish a bit more information about the characters?
also, why does audrey go from showing autumn her laptop to taking autumn to go see max?
and the way in which it concludes is odd, as we haven't seen any other bad interaction between audrey and her mom yet.
maybe you should tell more about audrey's relationship with her mom before you launch into the story, and about audrey in general.
i like it. keep working on it!
One snarkilicious critique, coming right up!
(By the way, in your description of the story, it should be "My cousins and I," not "Me and my cousins.")
*clasps hands* Really, is Autumn coming over? You know, I think Autumn is coming over! Hey, did you know...
Honestly, we get it. Cut the redundancy -- it's only good for planes.
Comma after cousin. And is she defiantly coming over, or is she definitely coming over? Because I think we already know she's definitely coming over (*claps hands* Oh boy! Guess what, Autumn is coming over!), but at the same time, people don't generally "defiantly" come over. Unless it's me coming to smack some sense into you. But that's another story.
You just spent four sentences telling us how old she is. (*claps hands* Guess what? My cousin Autumn is coming over, and she's twelve! Did you know she's twelve? Actually she's only almost twelve, but she's coming over, did you know that?") And honestly, I don't know how old any of my cousins are. If they're around my age, that's good enough for me. I don't care what year they were born in. Or what month, really.
*speaks slowly* That's very nice, Aubrey. It's a good thing you know your name (My name Tarzan! ...Might wanna add "is" in there) and your age. Most kids learn that before they can read.
You're making it sound like Aubrey is five. Twelve isn't as young as you think it is. It's, what, sixth, seventh grade? It's the beginning of the bratty teenage years. Yeah, kids are a little naive then, but they're not downright stupid. Plus, we don't care.
Twelve-year-olds also generally know how to speak coherently. I'd rewrite this as, "I'm not as close with Autumn as I am with other cousins, but we have fun when we get together."
*clasps hands* Hey, did you know...
Okay, we get it! She's coming over, and Aubrey's excited about it, and they're gonna have a great time. Cut it completely. Next...
I'm not even going to say it.
Okay, better. Generally people don't "get" their blood pressure high, though -- they have high blood pressure. Change that around. Also, "why" should be "while."
Oh yeah, that's nice. "Hey, I'm glad your grandfather is in the hospital -- it means we can have our play day sooner!" Jeez, heartless creature, this Aubrey is. Also, "then" should be "than."
Again, heartless soul.
Fair enough...
Hah, now this is excellent! Definitely typical of twelve-year-olds. Reminds me of when Mesh and I were younger -- our parents would complain about us talking too fast, but we could understand each other perfectly, even if we didn't always listen. Good stuff.
...Aaaand the excellence is ruined. "Random speeches?" And I highly doubt they'd be embarrassed -- that's what kids do. It works.
Ew, Apple. Make sure to capitalize your "I" and not your "that." Also, the last sentence doesn't make sense. And we don't care.
"she" should not be capitalized, and she's not reasoning there. Reasoning is what I'm trying to do to get through this. Responded might be more what you're looking for. Oh, and *clasps hands* was she excited? Really? ...Who cares? We can see that she wants to see it.
...What does this have to do with the laptop? You need a segway, kid.
Whoop-dee-doo. "I twas?" Spacing error.
Dog's. Unless you're writing a sci-fi piece where there's one name for all dogs, and that name is called the "dogs name." I somehow doubt it.
Jeez, must be a temperamental/PMSing mother if she's set off that easily. Who's "they?" Martians? Oh, there. Okay.
Wait, that's the end? That's it? Where's the story? I see nothing but exposition until maybe the last few sentences, but even that's stretching it.
You're doing a lot of "telling" and barely any "showing." None that I can see, anyway.
"Telling" is when you write something like, "They were disrespecting Joey." "Showing" is when you write, "They turned their backs when Joey walked up to them, blocking him out of their conversation. When he tried to join in anyway, they spit on the ground and left." See the difference?
Also, you're not taking advantage of dialogue. Dialogue is one of the greatest tools a writer can use, especially for "showing" instead of "telling." We can tell from the tone of voice, punctuation, and word choice how your characters are feeling, so it doesn't need to be repeated later on.
To recap:
Redundancy is only good for planes. (Something goes wrong, at least you have a backup.)
Twelve year olds are smarter and older than they sound.
If your friend were telling you and you wouldn't care, chances are we don't care when you're telling us.
Dialogue is a magical cure for redundancy.
Showing might help the reader care a little more.
Got it? Good. Now go read some good fiction and learn from there. Oh, and as far as continuing this one? I wouldn't. You've got nothing to go on. Unless you create some drastic conflict that can be felt throughout the story, scrap it and start over.
Good luck.
There were a lot of grammar, spelling, typo issues in this, but I'm not going to point them out.
You did a lot of telling, lots and lots and lots. Telling never makes good fiction, people want to feel apart of the story, not get told about it, you know? Telling also lead into infodumping.
The story was rather...flat up until the very end when a fight started, and even then, we didn't see the fight, we were just told it happened and that there were more. Without a conflict in the story, or a problem, or something for the MC to work over, there isn't much a plot.
I suggest using a spell checker and reading over your work a few times before you post it. I also suggestion you read this book, Writing Fiction. I think it would help you. That book helped me a lot when I was just starting to write.
Best of luck!
I see a lot of people write in first person and do well when writing like that and some people don't do as good. When writing in 1st it's always a good idea to talk in past tenses. You tell the story as if reflecting on an experience.
As for odd wording, I'd be the Queen of that. As long as people understand what's going on odd wording is ok. It gives people something to think about. Sounds like a good story.
-Lupe
Hmm...I'm really not sure about this in all honesty, there are tons of mistakes and well, I'm not sure if you were doing it on purpose, like, she was simple or something (Sorry that souunds nasty) Ok, so even if the mistakes were meant I'm going to point them out. I didn't think it worked and it got a little annoying after a while.
-This isn't really needed, as before it was said Autumn is coming over...
here you said that she was tweleve, then you go to say she would turn twelve...it's a little confusing.
My name is Aubery
but we liked each other enough to be happy to get together.
Even though we live closer than the others, we don't see each other much.
It was just my luck that I was pet-sitting a dog.
Of course
My Mom
There were plenty more coming up.
Like I said, some of it is worded so you get the impression that the speaker is much younger, but I don't know if they were genuine mistakes. I actually found this really hard to read, after a while the weird wording, tenses and mistakes took over it. Read through this, re-write again maybe, add much more detail and description and I think you can fix it. However, if you did mean for the mistakes and wording to be like that sorry! But it just dosen't work for me.
Hmm...sorry if I came off a little harsh there
All the best,
Meevs
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