The Boy Who Cried Love
On a bench, so close together,
They hardly notice the stormy weather.
She turns and sees his open stare.
Dare she believe she sees it there?
As he leans forward, away the mask peels,
So deep is the truth of what he feels.
“I love you,” he says, a moment so rare;
So tender, and true and full of care.
How do you seal a moment like this?
They both lean in and then they kiss.
Lightning forks across the park,
And he tells her that it’s destiny’s mark.
That was the first time; she knew it was right,
So she pushed every doubt out of her sight.
Only much later than that fateful night
Would she realise that spark was a trick of the light.
Months and years later: now she looks weary.
Night after night: why won’t he come near me?
She’s perfected the make-up to cover black eyes.
Having learnt from the master, she’s an expert at lies.
Such a distance between them; a silent space.
The closest they get is fist to face.
Then later, a text message: Sorry, luv ya babe.
And that’s when she cries, and her make-up fades.
At night she tries to picture his face lit up,
On that bench in the town where they both grew up.
But it slips and slides, and his drunken snores remind her
That, whoever that was, he’s not lying beside her.
She knows words come easy; for him talk is cheap.
But surely some are sacred. Some promises you must keep.
Gradually she stops believing, and her mistake is seen:
She put her faith in whispered words and an ill-timed fork of lightning.
The clatter of a body falling down stairs,
Then ringing silence fills the air.
He hadn’t meant to push her down.
Now all he can do is stand and drown
In tormented thoughts. He waits by the phone.
She’ll soon be out of hospital, but won’t be coming home.
He went to her sister’s house; they wouldn’t let him in.
She stood at the window, and he saw how she hated him.
And at night he pictures her face lit up,
On that bench in the town where they both grew up.
Outside, lightning cracks the sky,
And he remembers what he said, and cries.
Somehow those words, that were once so sacred,
Became easy to use, worn and jaded.
And now his bed is empty, and he realises too late
That a boy who treats love carelessly seals his own fate.
And a boy who cries love as loosely as he
Must finally learn where such misuse leads:
The damage done will never depart,
And the price you pay is two broken hearts.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
[b]This poem is so tragic!!! I love it! I can't get any important errors out of it..and it does exasperate me so! Imagine not having anything to say in your review! Too bad, right? Well, enough of my mock frustration! The poem is a really amazing piece of tragedy...serves as warning to reckless lovers...caught my sympathy...captured the sad romance so hard to find..
[/b]
All I can comment on this poem (the errors, I mean) is that there are some words which seem a bit deadwood...the poem could do without it..but there's nothing I can drag out of your poem!It's too good!
Congratulations! You've written a great poem!
~Bianca~
Zelithon: Yes, he beat her but he loved her. That is the basis of the idea - he 'cried' love, making it seem false and meaningless with his actions, but, when he finally realised he had lost her, it is plain to him that he loves her, but it's too late and she won't believe him. Ohh, just writing that makes me really realise how cliche this story is! Still, nevermind, I was just trying out an idea. I know all the rhymes aren't natural (but is rhyming natural anyway?) and as I've said, I don't write this kind of poetry often!
Anyway, I watched this film the other day called 'Te Doy Mis Ojos', or 'Take My Eyes', which shows this kind of relationship perfectly. And yes, the guy in it abuses his wife, but he still quite plainly loves her. It actually helped me see it all more clearly, from both points of view. It's a good film.
He beat her but he loved her?
You forced many of the rhymes.
Beautiful.
I like how you protrayed both persons almost identically. But yeah a bit cliched with the lightning and stuff.
I especially like this part [quote]Somehow those words, that were once so sacred,
Became easy to use, worn and jaded. [/qupte]
Ooooooh... *is impressed*
Knowing the background for the idea on it makes it seem much more clever. Maybe if you could make that connection more evident or something... wow, that's a really great idea. Nice.
Hey, thanks for all your comments guys! I didn't expect such a good response!
To Boni Bee, The line 'Now all he can do is stand and drown' actually carries over to the next line and finishes with 'In tormented thoughts', which doesn't necessarily flow well, I know, but makes a bit more sense!
To Areida07, it's funny that you called the poem sing-song, cos I think it actually started life as a song! I don't normally write long, rhyming poetry, so this was kind of an experiment for me. I basically took the idea of 'The boy who cired wolf' and changed it to 'love', intending to represent how people misuse the word. I'm not sure that the end result quite fits with the original idea, and I can see how the story could come over as a bit of a cliche.
Anyway, thanks for reading and replying! I really appreciate it.
Boni is right about how the beginning doesn't really give any indication of what is to come. I thought the story told in the poem was a bit cliched, but the poem overall was quite good. I'm not too sure about the rhyming... I think I liked it, but it might have been more powerful and less sing-song without it. I can't decide, so just take that with a grain of salt.
However, I loved the title. It really caught my attention, but I sort of feel like the poem didn't quite live up to it. I'm not really sure what I expected the subject matter to be, but I thought perhaps you could have addressed something else for more impact.
The last two lines were really clever, but I thought they could have been worded differently. I guess that's why I thought maybe you should lose the rhyming so you wouldn't constrict yourself to less powerful wording to conform to the rhyme.
Overall, nice work.
~Areida
The fourth line in this stanza 'now all he can do is stand and drown' doesn't make sense. How about 'now all he can do is stand and frown'...it would make a better picture.
Very nice poem. The first part certainly doesn't give you any idea of the later stanzas. It is a cliche story line, but told in a way that disguises it, and makes it more understandable. I like the ryming and use of words in this, a good range.
Good job
I love this poem. Wonderful, truly. I swar this could get published in a fancy magazine.
Good work!
Wow! I've never read such a sad poem before. It's beautiful...