Published October 16, 2005
OK, I'm not sure if this is in the right place, but I don't know where else to post it! If you have any suggestions, tell me!
Featherweight
I hold the feather up into the wind, watching it shudder back and forth. The wind tugs at its fragile and ragged form; relentless; just waiting for me to relax my fingers and give it up to the wild and unforgiving gusts. I imagine the feeling of it slipping from my grasp; whipped away in a second; forever lost. I grip tighter.
I think of holding your hand, of you pulling away, and of me refusing to let go. I think of how far away you are, and remember the day you left; how my eyes stung, but not with tears. It was the bitter cold, the ferocious wind. It tore you away from me.
It feels odd without you, but I have grown used to it. The feather is really fighting me now. It wants to be free, to soar and fall; to fly. I suddenly understand that deep desire. My chest feels empty, as though something huge that once occupied it has unexpectedly abandoned its post. I let go.
The feather vanishes, seeming to become part of the air around it. And just like that all the care I had for you slides away, to be carried off by the wind. It doesn’t even put up a fight, and my heart continues to beat, regardless. The tears finally come: tears of shock and disbelief. I sit on the grass and feel the loss keenly, as though I have just discovered that what I always believed to be a diamond is, in fact, merely plastic, and worthless.
And so it ends. I wonder how I could ever have called it love.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,497 Literary Works • 674,543 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...this is a very intriguing opening right there. I love the imagery your building of this feather here, it almost feels like you're trying to use this as some sort of representation for something bigger but at the same time it absolutely works on its own too. It certainly comes together very well as a opening for this particular piece here.
Hmm...well this part of this certainly confirms that we are definitely working with a feather that's simply representing what appears to perhaps be some sort of relationship here. It certainly ups the stakes a bit with that sort of confirmation there. I think the best part of this for me is how you still manage to keep it really grounded in the image of that feather so it still makes sense as just that and also acts as a touchstone for this bigger story you're trying to tell. Its really quite nicely done here.
Well this is certainly an ending that seemed quite inevitable given where this was headed. I think really builds up very nicely towards it here, and the feather still remains a wonderful constant there. On the whole this is a very simple piece here, but it manages to do what it sets out to do really well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really liked me this. I got shivers when the feather flew away.. I loved how you describe every detail. It was so worth those one minute of reading!! <3 I truly loved it! =))
Aahhh...
I love it.!!!
I feel like this was written from my heart!
Just to combine the first two reviews, I don't think it's too short, and I don't care for the diamond part.
Very descriptive!
Good job =D>
I really like this. I love all the different elements in it that add to her emptiness and loss(the feather, the wind, etc) I don't think it's too short at all. That's how I write, in small pieces then after a while I see how they all fit together or how they fit into groups.
(Welcome to YWS, by the way!) Yes, this is in the right section. I like this piece a lot, you have displayed the emotions really well. It almost has a poetic feel to it, and I was hoping there'd be more to this. It was a bit too short for my taste, but I liked it all the same.
"I sit on the grass and feel the loss keenly, as though I have just discovered that what I always believed to be a diamond is, in fact, merely plastic, and worthless"
You started pretty good in this sentence, but I didn't like the diamond being worthless part. I don't know, to me it just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe it's just me.
You could really make this into a great piece if you add more to it. Keep up the good work!