Earl Higgins was forty-three,
He had good intentions,
And a wife named Marie.
He made her breakfast in bed,
Washed all her clothes,
And bought wigs for her head.
Marie stayed in the basement,
Though Earl didn't mind,
It was always he who came and who went.
Earl bought Marie flowers,
And held her hand,
And Marie needed help with her showers.
Except for Marie didn't talk,
But Earl couldn't tell,
It was always Earl Higgins who went out for walks.
Earl was finally caught,
And the flowers stopped coming,
It all was a waste--the things that he bought.
There was no breakfast in bed,
Because Earl was in prison,
And poor Marie was dead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This was a nice change in juxtaposition with many of the lovey-dovey poems found here. I thought this poem was particularly clever. It was simple and wasn't caked with forced metaphors. The simplicity was the beauty of it. My only suggestion remains in the line: "Except for Marie didn't talk." The "for" interrupts the flow and pattern of the poem a bit. I could just take it out and leave it "Except Marie didn't talk."
Otherwise, great job.
Best wishes,
Emily
Thank you so much!!!
Hi there, LynseyStaggs!
This line seems a little like a forced rhyme. I'm not sure how this completely relates to the rest of the poem. It seems a little non sequitur. You don't have many words in a poem. Try to keep it a little more focused on content than rhyme.Eeeh, this is so creepy! You did a really good job of keeping the tone light even though the subject matter was dark. That's what I like the best about this poem. Gives me the heebee geebees.
At first, at the line about wigs, I thought, does she have cancer? But then, at the basement line, I realized something more sinister was going on.
This has a lilting feel, almost like a limerick, which makes it all the more creepy. But it's not overdone, like some writers want to do. It just is what it is, and I appreciate that.
There are a few small things that could be changed to make this better.
You should have a period at the end of the first line instead of a comma. Otherwise, you've got a comma splice sentence there.
The last thing I'll suggest is that you break it up into stanzas of three lines, so readers can understand your rhyme scheme a little better. On YWS, you've got to hold shift when you hit enter for a single spaced line, and then when you want a stanza break, just don't hold shift!
That was a nice, enjoyable read. I hope this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
Thank you so much!!! I'm really glad you caught the turn of events!! And thank you for your feed back!! I wasn't completely done with it, because of the forced rhymes like you said, but I was too excited and just had to post it!
Sorry that the last one was blank, something happened with the message. Anyway, I honestly love this poem. It's not easy to convey a plot twist ending in so few words. I also like how you read it once and you think "Well, his wife must just be horribly ill". But, once you've read it a second time, you realize that he's just been carrying around her dead body. Great poem, and, again, genius plot twist.
Thank you!! That means so much!!
So let me get this straight- Marie has been dead (killed by Earl) and Earl has been just coddling her dead body and stuff? Eww. If so, great job making it super-creepy! If not, you might want to figure out how to get the little story across clearer.
I like how you made the poem sound real cute and sweet until the very end. You had me goin' there for awhile. Just go back and review your meter and rhyme scheme, because they're a little out-of-sync and varying
Overall good job, and always, keep writing!
-ladcat13
Yes!! That's exactly what I was going for! So glad you enjoyed it! And thank you for your feedback! I wasn't completely done with it, because some of the forced rhymes and out-of-sync stuff, but I was too excited not to post it!