hehe! i really, REALLY love this poem! It's amazing, and i really mean it. You have written it with such a great style.
I'm not entirely sure about the title, to be honest - it doesn't really do justice to the poem - but that's just me being picky. Also, there are some funny bits in the poem where punctuation and words are missing. For example...
“ma'am, we come every year,”
like some james dean actor-y type
wearing those clean-cut pinstripe suits
[s]“[/s]before october. bring 'em back around
i don't understand this bit at all. What's 'them'? Also, wouldn't it be around october time that this would be happening? Also, maybe consider putting 'around' on the next line - it's a bit confusing, and it stutters the reading a little.
march or so. yes, remember?” again, this doesn't quite seem to make sense. The 'yes' seems out of place, and so does the 'or so'.
That's all, and it's very fixable.
Well done, i'll look out for you other stuff.
Best of luck, and i hope that i've helped a bit.
from charlie. ^^
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Reviews: 48
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