Young Writers Society

Hi there!

Look at me finally getting to the reviews I promised forever ago. Go me -_-

I like how you've stepped out of the boundaries of a "normal" poem. There are still stanzas and lines. They're just formatted differently. It's always nice to see poems on here that think outside the box. Especially because this is an excerpt from a novel, the format works well. It's written like a piece of prose.

The entire first stanza (I'm just going to stick with poetry terms for this) seems like one complete thought to me. It works well because it's in a stanza together, but the punctuation seems a bit off to me. Each line is like a complete sentence with a different idea. But there's not really a different idea. The speaker is at that age where she has done this this and this. It all flows together, but the periods that are there make it feel choppy. Not to mention the first line, "I guess I'm just to that age." doesn't feel or sound finished to me. Especially since that's the first line we're going to read, you want it to be something strong and solid. Maybe think about mixing up the sentence types and punctuation used in that first paragraph.

I've finally got it through my head that all these guys I mess around with just want sex. They want to enchant me with empty feelings and broken promises and a little booze on the side. They love to watch as I get high off of the taste of their lips and they let me slowly destroy myself, clinging to them. They all ask for sex in the end, and let me be damned if I give it to them.

All these friends are fake.

All those kind words I've held onto were just that: kind words.

As I've gotten older I've realized the only person I'll ever be able to trust is myself.

it's the only way I'll ever be able to survive. I may hate myself, but at least I'm only hurting myself.

Hey! Cello here!

Woah, okay, wow.

This was amazing. The speaker, this character, has obviously been through a lot, and even in this little piece of writing, it was easy to connect to their story. That's something hard to do. I found myself caring for a character I barely knew by the end of roughly twenty lines. I wanted more. More history, more future, more everything. When reading almost anything the words play in my own voice but I could hear someone else speaking, their words being their own, not something I was reading off of a computer screen.

You're vocabulary and language was beautiful, pulling the reader in and really grasping attention. It added to the emotion, to the feel of everything, perfectly. Seriously, this was great.

Two minor suggestions, because what good is a review if it's strictly praise-

I've been through enough shit to realize how oblivious I was to all the crap going on in my life.

I may hate myself, but at least I'm only hurting myself.

Hi there Lylas! Niteowl here to review for Team Crafty Scribbles this fine Review Day!

Overall, I agree with Meandbooks. I can't help but feel like I've read these same exact ideas before, expressed in a very similar way. This is supposed to be part of a larger story, but I don't get much of who the speaker really is. I'm reading a description of their heartache from friends and lovers, but I'm not feeling it.

To put a more creative spin on this, I would focus on one or two of the stories where the narrator was hurt by a friend or lover. Let me hear those false promises, feel the hope in the speaker's heart. Show me the empty room. From reading some of the other pieces in this series, I feel like you're very capable of doing this.

I hate to play the age card, but you are a much better writer than I was at 14. No seriously, you can read my old stuff on here if you're feeling bored/masochistic. Keep writing!

Hey hey, I'm here to get this out of the green room for you!

So, this is a rather interesting little piece. I confess that I haven't been following your other excerpts, so I don't have that context, but this works pretty well as a stand-alone piece anyway.

To be honest, this reads a lot more like a journal entry than a poem. Poems can, of course, be in practically any format, but I can just imagine this girl who has a slight dramatic flair writing this in a journal late at night. Or posting it on some social media website.

The downside of this is that it's harder for the reader to have a reason to keep reading. With poems, even if the reader doesn't particularly care about the narrator, the imagery and the flow and the pure beauty of the language will keep them reading.

But with this, although it flows well, it's not especially beautiful language. It's straight-up plain and simple, and I don't find myself caring about the narrator as much as I might, just because it's slightly melodramatic and, well, a little hopeless. It's kind of just a thing of mine, but when the main character isn't willing to change, isn't willing to step up or even try, when they just accept that they're going to be this way for ever, it bothers me. Of course, it's fine for them to be like that for a while, but preferably not the whole story.

But here, there is no change, and that's preventing me from enjoying it as much as I'd like.

Now, of course, since this is part of a series that you've been doing, for all I know the parts are all connected and there will be an overarching story and a theme of change. If that's the case, then it should be great.


I did really like the repetition of "I guess I'm just that age." It helps the whole thing feel connected, and I think that if you tweaked this just a little it could turn into more of a positive thing. You could do this by implying more strongly that she thinks that since she's just "that age," she will grow out of it and her life will become better. Just a thought.

And that's really all I have for you. This review was a little more blunt than normal, and for that I apologize - I wasn't trying to offend you. These are just the thoughts I have whenever I see a work of this nature posted. Feel free to ignore them as you wish.

Good luck and keep writing!

"Such a little girl, so vunerable." vulnerable; you missed an 'l'

"They'll leave a little too early in the morning, the only evidence I would have in the morning would be tangled sheets, messy hair, and bottles of booze empty on the ground. I've gotten to that age where I've realized a man is only as good as his unbroken word." You say 'morning' twice, so it almost sounds as if you're repeating yourself. For the second time around, try to find another word to replace it or take out 'in the morning' altogether.

"All these friends are fake. All those kind words I've held onto were just that, kind words."

"All those kind words I held onto were just that: kind words." This way, it flows a bit better.

"Manicured nails to sharpen edges enough to stab the other in the back and hide the dirt under their nails." Not really sure what you're trying to say here; it's a bit muddled and 'to sharpen edges enough' doesn't really fit in....

I liked this-- it was a very interesting concept and at some point, when we get down, I think that everyone feels this way at least once.

This was very emotional, and yet it almost seemed as if the narrator was detatched from it all.... that was very fascinating to me, how you managed to incorporate both of those aspects into one little excerpt.

This was incredible. I'd love to read more of your work!

Keep writing!!

~liveandbreathewords

clubs/2174

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excerpt from a novel I'll never write #1 - Not for the Reasons You Think

excerpt from a novel I'll never write #2 - I Sat in the Almost Too Tall Grass

excerpt from a novel I'll never write #3 - Wicked Little Reminders

excerpt from a novel I'll never write #4 - My Baby Faced Boy

excerpt from a novel I'll never write #5 - Topics Concerning Being Wasted and Trust