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Young Writers Society



Death to Riches

by Lycanstyle01


Note: Thanks for crits. I see I needed it =P.

Destruction is bliss

Thy destruction is greater than thy hate

Spite thee and thou shall depart from life

Prologue:

A chill floated throughout the air in the city of Naethr. No one stopped for even a second, yet before them their very own souls were already being captivated by the magic that lay in the possession of the being standing thousands of miles away. However, in the next city, which lay just a few roads beyond Naethr, the process had already been taken to the next step. In Anhraem, the citizens fell onto the ground, clutching the center of their chests, which were gleaming red. The shoppers dropped their wallets, the blacksmiths their hammers, and the guards their swords as they all fell. Suddenly, a blue circle rumbling with magical energy in the center of the city exploded and expanded throughout the whole city. As the blue magic contacted with the red energy in the citizens, the red center was sucked out of the person and mixed with the blue energy. It coagulated into a black sphere and sped away to the far-away magician's open palms. After it finished, the people suddenly bent over, as if they were trying to touch their toes without effort, stood up, and continued with their normal lives as if nothing had happened. No one had noticed all the other animals' disappearance or the sudden loss of emotions. No one would ever notice them, had it not been for a straggler who just happened to stumble out of the city, escaping the energy at the exact moment the event happened.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

.::Chapter 1::.

Garek hit his head hard on his bedpost as he suddenly sat up, shaking and sweating from his dream.He sat still in his bed, still under the covers, thinking about his dream and still believing he was in immediate danger. However, he couldn't move, only think as sweat trickled down his long hair into his eyes and irritating them. Then he realized that the Elementals didn’t exist anymore and very few knew about the arts of magic now. But not that long ago, he thought, it has only been 150 years since the reign of the Darkness Elementals. Garek scoffed at the idea. He looked around at his messy room: spell books were lying around everywhere, his bedsheets were on the floor, and his clothes were in an assorted pile in the corner. Garek stumbled across his room, almost tripping a few times to reach his stack of clothes. They weren't even nice, or 'clean', clothes; many were ripped or torn somewhere. Still, as a 14 year old teenager, 'who cares?!' After finishing changing and throwing his pajamas on the bed, he looked at himself through the partially broken mirror dangerously hanging off a tiny hook in a crack of a wall. The result was a look that would have shamed the most defiant and obnoxious teen anywhere. Suddenly, he heard a huge explosion in the ceiling and the right wall. It was so loud he could not hear temporarily, but he could see cracks forming in both of the walls. An enormous chunk of each fell off, and he cast a shield above himself to protect himself. He saw gleaming blue eyes through the hole in right wall, and bright, malevolent eyes in the ceiling. He was definitely scared, but he had a nagging suspicion that this had something to do with his older sister. Slowly, she did climb out of the pile of rocks made from the mess on the right wall, and her demon servant almost landed on Garek as it jumped down. It looked impressive; there were spikes across it's spine and horns everywhere on it's red body. If you compared the sister and the brother, one would see that there could not exist a more opposite pair of family members. Garek had dark, black hair, black eyes, and always carried an air of anger or annoyance. His sister, on the other hand, always offered optimistic advice, had blond hair, and blue eyes. However, there was more to his sister than meets the eye.

Garek, fuming-red by now, shouted, "What the hell?!" and threw a Cero-level blast at her. She blocked part of it with her open palm, but the rest was deflected to the right wall and yet another huge hole was made in it.

He continued, "Nora, you can't just frekin' storm in here and destroy my room. What in Jiulph's name were you thinking?"

Nora tutted and wagged her finger at Garek, and replied," What are you talking about? can't really see anything wrong with your" she waved about the room, "room. And don't say stuff like that, I really don't like it when you say things like that." Her pupils glowed bright red as she said that, and returned to the normal blue. It creeped Garek out whenever she did that. "The main reason I came, though, was because you slept in late so I came to tell you to wake up and eat breakfast. Sorry If I caused such a 'scare'."

Mumbling swear words under his breath, Garek stormed down the already creaking stairs to the kitchen, leaving his sister humming a merry tune while using magic to fix the mess.

Her servant said in a deep voice, "In our hell dimension, Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, would kick his god damn ass."

.::Chapter 2::.

To be continued...(insert mysterious smiley-face here) :wink:


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Points: 1990
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Mon Feb 25, 2008 12:28 am
mikedb1492 wrote a review...



I thought it was well written and interesting, but there were still a few things that bugged me. I thought the dialogue was kind of corny and not realistic at times. For example:
"Bad boy. You know mom and dad never wanted you to say that. Anyways, you know as well as I do about my special shielding and healing abilities."
Then again, the way you had her talk really described her personality to me.

Just a little extra thing that bothers me is when you did this:
"I can fix it. Only if you promise to behave, though. The main reason I came, though, was because....
Sorry, but If you say that out loud it doesn't flow very well. I'd only use the word 'though' in one of those sentences.

Other than those things, I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up.




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Sun Feb 24, 2008 10:16 pm
Teague wrote a review...



Ahoy there! Don't think I've seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. :D

Upon the city of Naethr, a chill floated throughout the city.

This is badly worded if you ask me -- try something like "A chill floated through the city of Naethr."

Suddenly, a blue circle rumbling with magical energy in the center of the city exploded and expanded throughout the whole city.

The repetition of "city" is kind of annoying -- I'd try to find another pronoun.

Gah! Your prologue was pretty good until the end. Don't spoil the surprise of what happened by telling us! Take out the last two sentences. They ruin the whole mystery of it.

*Random note* You need to break up your paragraphs. They're a bit long and not many readers will sit through giant-sized paragraphs.

Hmm... my biggest complaint is that you really need to slow this down. Give us more description, more emotion, more time to connect with your characters. That's really the only flaw -- your writing is good enough on its own. But the story is written in such a way that I had to force myself to keep reading (and I just scanned the last part) because I didn't get to connect with your characters and therefore didn't care.

So just put in some more description, emotion, and more of your characters (less on the action -- there is such a thing as too much of it) and you should be fine!

Also, I personally think chapters and prologues should always be longer than what you have here, but that's just me. ;)

PM me if you have any questions!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:




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Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:30 am
Vampirewolf3 wrote a review...



Yes, I am a very nit-picky editor. And I'm probably wrong. but hey, that's OK.

Lycanstyle01 wrote:Destruction is bliss
Thy destruction is greater than thy hate
Spite thee and thou shall depart from life


Prologue:
Upon the city of Naethr, a chill floated throughout the city. No one stopped for even a second, yet before them, their very own souls were already being captivated by the magic that lay in the possession of the being standing thousands of miles away. However, in the next city, which lay just a few roads beyond Naethr, the process had already been taken to the next step. In Anhraem, the citizens fell onto the ground, clutching the center of their chests, which were gleaming red. The shoppers dropped their wallets, the blacksmiths their hammers, and the guards their swords as they all fell. Suddenly, a blue circle rumbling with magical energy in the center of the city exploded and expanded throughout the whole city. As the blue magic contacted with the red energy in the citizens, the red center was sucked out of the person and mixed with the blue energy. It coagulated into a black sphere and sped away to the being's (the ring is a being?) chest. After it finished, the people suddenly bent over, as if they were trying to touch their toes without effort, stood up, and continued with their normal lives as if nothing had happened. No one had noticed all the other animals' disappearance or the sudden loss of emotions. No one would ever notice them, had it not been for a straggler who just happened to stumble out of the city, escaping the energy at the exact moment the event happened.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

.::Chapter 1::.
Garek hit his head hard on his bedpost as he suddenly sat up, shaking and sweating from his dream.He sat still in his bed, still under the covers, thinking about his dream and still believing he was in immediate danger. However, he couldn't move, only thinking as sweat trickled down his long hair into his eyes, irritating them. Then he realized that the Elementals didn’t exist anymore and the time of magic had long since gone. But not that long ago, he thought, it has only been 150 years since the reign of the Darkness Elementals.


Good job! Sounds interesting enough. Sort of. Ish.




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Tue Feb 19, 2008 2:02 am
Skuzm says...



Good! Looks really interesting. Can't wait to read more.




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Sun Feb 17, 2008 9:39 am
SeraphTree wrote a review...



:D
Destruction is bliss
Thy destruction is greater than thy hate
Spite thee and thou shall depart from life


A few mistakes. :)

Upon the city of Naethr, a chill floated throughout the city. No one stopped or hesitated for a second, yet before them their very own souls were being captivated by the magic

This is a good opening. Grabbed my attention, but... it's really short. :) Please write more. I am dying with anticipation. :smt035 PM me if you need anything. :D

:smt051
*Seraph*





The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller