Old World Ashes (prologue)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The large skeletal Monster stood before me imposingly. He was tall with Large claws. Its eyes were like black holes. It twitched sometimes. This thing was among the first demons that came into our world. The people were in a panic when the gate opened and the lesser 'imps' came though like a sea of blood. We thought it would stop at the imps but no, Soon larger demons started to come through. Like this one. After a few years the gate closed, and the real end had started. Everyone had been terrified. But now its common place to be ripped limb from limb for the enjoyment of a 'woe'. Or eaten alive by swarms of 'imps'. But the worst of them all were the people that had fallen into madness. Demons were created by the hundreds by the man gone Insane. The world for the first few months had been screaming. They pray to the gods that had been killed. Only the truly mad Can enjoy this new world that lay before us. Now the true test Begins.

Hi Luxcena,
I'm here to amaze you at home nitpicky I can be even on the smallest paragraph, but I promise it's all in the interest of improving your writing.
So some grammar issues I found:
1. "he was tall with Large claws." "Large" should be "large"
2. "We thought it would stop at the imps but no," the comma should be after "imps" and not "no"
3. "We thought it would stop at the imps but no" there should be a period after "no"
4. "After a few years the gate closed" should be a comma after "years"
5. "But now its common place to be ripped from limb to limb for the enjoyment of a 'woe'." there should be a comma after 'now' and an apostrophe between the t and the s in "its"
6. "Or eaten alive by swarms of 'imps'." be should be inserted in "eaten"
7. "by the man gone Insane" should be "by the man who had gone insane"
8. "Only the truly mad Can enjoy this new world that lay before us." again, can should be lowercase
9. "Now the true test Begins." begins should be lowercase

Some bigger comments:
I think an expansion of this prologue is needed. I think that a deeper description that makes the reader feel fearful because of these hideous monster. For example, describing how the beast is huge, has big claws, and how dangerous it is. Describe the mad scientist in his lab one night, refining the DNA of these monsters until they're gargantuan killing machines. I do think that a total rewrite is needed with more depth and more attention to grammatical detail.

Sorry for all the nitpicking and the frankness of the article. I want this idea to be expanded because it's really my thing and I think that you have great ideas, and your expression just needs to be improved by reviews and hours of practice.

Hope this was helpful!
Best wishes,
MJ

Hi Luxcena,
I'm here to amaze you at home nitpicky I can be even on the smallest paragraph, but I promise it's all in the interest of improving your writing.
So some grammar issues I found:
1. "he was tall with Large claws." "Large" should be "large"
2. "We thought it would stop at the imps but no," the comma should be after "imps" and not "no"
3. "We thought it would stop at the imps but no" there should be a period after "no"
4. "After a few years the gate closed" should be a comma after "years"
5. "But now its common place to be ripped from limb to limb for the enjoyment of a 'woe'." there should be a comma after 'now' and an apostrophe between the t and the s in "its"
6. "Or eaten alive by swarms of 'imps'." be should be inserted in "eaten"
7. "by the man gone Insane" should be "by the man who had gone insane"
8. "Only the truly mad Can enjoy this new world that lay before us." again, can should be lowercase
9. "Now the true test Begins." begins should be lowercase

Some bigger comments:
I think an expansion of this prologue is needed. I think that a deeper description that makes the reader feel fearful because of these hideous monster. For example, describing how the beast is huge, has big claws, and how dangerous it is. Describe the mad scientist in his lab one night, refining the DNA of these monsters until they're gargantuan killing machines. I do think that a total rewrite is needed with more depth and more attention to grammatical detail.

Sorry for all the nitpicking and the frankness of the article. I want this idea to be expanded because it's really my thing and I think that you have great ideas, and your expression just needs to be improved by reviews and hours of practice.

Hope this was helpful!
Best wishes,
MJ

Hey there Luxcena and welcome to YWS! It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
(I'm trying to limit review to ten minutes nowadays so won't be here long.)

So first thing, this is listed as a both a prologue and a short story. This isn't something necessary but you might want to consider it anyways, using the novel function. Basically it just lists everything as a novel chapter and that way let's the reader know there's more to come. Creating a folder to organize novel chapters together is also another great idea if you want to keep everything in order. It's just a nice function on the site and thought I should mention it to another potential novel writer.

On to the actual content of the story though.
1. Every so often I see capitalization in the middle of sentences and it's not for a name, more for emphasis. I really would recommend using italics for literary points you really want to stick out. When you use caps, people sort of put it off as a mistake where as italics are always seen as emphasis or thoughts.

2. The grand wall of text. This really turned me off and it will turn away others too. Your prologue is pretty short and tightly packed together, which isn't the best combination since you have quite a bit happening in there. I'm not exactly sure where to split it but it might be good to just split it at a natural begin line. Like at "After a few..." just add in an extra shift and it still makes perfect sense, slightly separates the idea, and just cleans things up a bit.

3. The story is quite interesting and sounds like down the road it will become pretty gory. Just be careful of the content warnings once you get further into the violence and such that comes with monsters and demons and imps of this type. The only other thing that bothers me is the flow or lack of it to be honest. There's not much variety in sentence lengths except for the occasional long sentence so it gets a bit repetitive. Maybe just try combining a few similar sentences here and there?

4. I like the ending sentence because it does lead pretty well into your next chapter. I think I might be interested in reading the next chapter, so if you post it, tag me.
Anyways I'm going to go now.
Happy Pi Day.
Lizz
38 reviews to go

Hey Raven here!

Overall it's a good start to a novel I'm guessing, really creates this atmosphere of disaster and turmoil. I love the phrase: "the lesser 'imps' came though like a sea of blood", ugh it just sounds so good and illustrates the chaos really well! Your description was good and was easy to imagine the setting you created.

Now for the negatives

I feel that you used full stops in places were it was unnecessary, for example: "It twitched sometimes." Usually small sentences are used to signal out something important or create tension or suspense, this sentence does neither of that, I was reading it thinking why was this written this way.

Also I noticed you wrote some nouns, verbs and adjectives in capital letters, I don't know if its on purpose or what purpose that serves, or if it's an grammatical error. Either way you should check those out.

Sorry if the review sounds harsh