This is the beginning of a story. Synopsis: At midnight, five teenagers inexplicably decide to follow a raven...
Rosalie could not sleep. She tossed and turned; images of an unfamiliar wood, flashes of running children and the flutter of wings clashed against the darkness of her deep sleep, breaking up her visions. With a gasp she shot up, and as the dreams began to seep from her mind she slowly recognised her surroundings: her wallpaper, her belongings, her bed. Picking up her mobile phone, the clock on the screen flashed: 00:00. "An odd time to wake up," she thought.
She turned to the window to see it had been left open during the night. The winds blew her curtains wildly, and through the gaps, an unfamiliar blackness was noticeable on a branch outside the window. Intrigued, she slipped out of bed and wandered over to investigate.
Rosalie had lazily left on her make-up from the day before and walking closer to the window she dug the lumps of eyeliner out of her inner eye with her fingers. Reaching the windowsill she looked out at the mysterious black bundle on the branch, when it shifted and two cold eyes were pointed directly on her.
Startled, her body jumped with adrenalin, but looking once more it was clear that the something on the tree was not fearsome at all, but actually a bird. The bird, in fact, the raven that was perched on a barren branch outside her bedroom stared at her intently, as if to say "Follow me, Rosalie".
Rosalie didn't spare a thought to the fact she was in pyjamas, or was grateful she had decided to wear a long trouser and shirt combination, rather than shorts and tank top; she thoughtlessly tiptoed out of her room, down the stairs, slipped on her trainers, absent-mindedly threw on her jacket and left the house. She glanced upwards to the gnarled tree, the Raven looking down upon her with an upturned beak, almost smile-like. Then, he spread his ebony wings and flew off into the night with Rosalie walking somnambulistically behind.
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi, Lavvi here to do a quick review.
You have some ideas here worth writing about, but it's just about putting them correctly down on paper, or in this case on the computer/internet.
Your beginning is quite cliché when you think about. Girl we know little about but obviously the protagonist is extremely curious about something dark outside and goes to inspect and this quick look turns her life around in unimaginable ways. If you come up with a beginning that's maybe like Rosalie observed the mysterious shadow from behind the rose bush her mother was so fond of et cetera et cetera.
Also, I suggest using words that people actually recognize. I've never heard of the word "somnambulistically"-- it's one of those words you'd find in the game of Balderdash or in a dictionary of "Never Used Words".
Another thing: unfamiliar blackness in totally without detail/description. It's vague. Blackness is always unfamiliar, so try and make this different from any other type of blackness people witness during their lifetimes. How about "mysterious shadow" or "eerie darkness"?
Hope this helps.
Lavvi
This is very well written, however I wouldn't reccommend using semicolons and colons in some of the spots you used them in. But you introduced the story nicely. I liked how she left her makeup on by accident. It probably smudged causing her to look like some horrofic creature. Also, it showed a touch of human nature. Don't mind me ramblind on and on about one small occurence.
Anyways, my criticism would be to make it even more intense by using more figurative language. I think it could be even more powerful. Maybe you could talk about other family members in the house and how it is dead quiet because they are fast asleep. Although this is a cliche, it will help the reader visual the settings better. Maybe you will introduce other aspects later on. I don't know. Whether you choose to continue this story or not...good luck!
@ytejas Ah yes, the elongated sentence problem that I always have! When I wrote this last night (despite the fact I edited it) I still had James Earl Jones reading Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven in my head, so I think I was trying to emulate they rhythms, but you're right, it's a bit much.
Thanks for your feedback!
Cutting out all the extra words is very helpful. You'll be amazed at how much I cut from the first draft! Dp you not think it's odd, then, that she was intrigued bu a shadow outside? I thought it was a bit unbelievable, so I put "strangely" in there to demonstrate that. If you say it works without and needs no explanation, I'll gladly remove.
Oops, forgot to remove the capitalisation! At the time I was just really happy with the sentence so I capitalised it haha!
Wow, I thought Ebony was thick black. My sister's middle name was ebony becausew her hair was so dark when she was born, I will keep it as ebony, as Poe himself uses the word to describe the raven in his poem, so I suppose it's jut a misconception that I am willing to perpetuate
@ziggiefred Maybe I should have said at the beginning, but this is only the beginning of the novel, I'm not entirely sure where it's going. I wrote something like that, but it was a bit horrific and unneccesary, maybe I'll share it. Thanks for the advice
Hello there
The previous reviewer kind of outlined a lot I wanted to say so I'll just state the obvious. I think your writing is really good. Your descriptions are well done and to the point. The plot however was very plain and simple. Maybe it was intended, I don't know. I would have liked to see more.
Keep writing and good luck!
Hey,
I like your style - it makes me want to read on, and you manage to ease the reader into the unfolding suspense. Just a few minor comments :
1) I would use a semi-colon after the word 'turned' instead of a comma, the clause is changing here
2) '..against the black depths that punctuated her visions' . I tend to use long sentences too, so a conscious effort to minimize words is always nice I think. 'of sleep' is redundant as a phrase in this sentence.
3) 'from outside' is redundant, if it's an open window - I think readers will know winds are blowing inwards. Just another suggestion to cut superfluous words
4) 'Strangely intrigued' is repetitive, don't you think? If you say, "Intrigued, she slipped.." will it not suffice? As a reader, I still get your point without the word 'strangely'.
5)I think there's a typo in that sentence. You mean, 'pointed directly'.
6) Some more cases of redundant word-usage. 'Startled, she jumped back' makes me feel less credible as a reader, you can eliminate one of those. Startled usually means jumping back, or at least, that is the most common association.
7) 'A bird, in fact a raven' - I would just start this sentence with 'A raven that had.." because the last sentence already tells me it's a bird. I avoid using 'in fact' if possible.
9) Minor point, but too many adjectives close to each other is distracting for the reader.
10) 'he' for the Raven, instead of it -was that intentional, or an oversight? Are you divulging his identity already? Also, Ebony is brownish-black, in terms of colour. Ravens are pitch-black. Sorry for being a pain, but that's the flipside of being a biologist by profession
11) 'somnambulistically ' is not a nice word. I'd change it, although I can see your intention of wanting to use it here.
Hope this was helpful
Cheers,
Tejas