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Young Writers Society



Away--Chapter 2

by erilea


    The clouds rolled by--soft, white, picturesque like every book described them. But Danara was feeling the exact opposite. Her feelings were mixed up as if they had been thrown in a blender put on high speed.

     There were two reasons as to why Danara's emotions were jumbled about this trip. 1) She had seen her grandmother, sure, but words had never been exchanged. 2) The thought of a trip excited her--going out of her home state was farther than she had ever traveled. But the familiarity of her home tugged at her, wanting her to stay.

     She closed her eyes and leaned against the headrest, wanting the annoying buzz of the plane and her mother's soft snores and everything about this trip to go away. If only she was talking with her friends at school, sharing gossip and bearing the exhaustion of classwork together.

     "I wish everything was normal," she whispered with her eyes shut, hoping that the plane would magically disappear and she would find herself at home in her room.

     Unfortunately, the drone of the plane's engines remained. Danara looked at her surroundings and knew that however much she wished, nothing would change.

     "You're still awake?" her mother noted wearily. Danara's eyes shot to her mother.

     "How can I sleep?" she replied, her voice hard.

     A soft sigh filled the air between them. "Touche, honey."

     For a moment, it was quiet, and Danara felt a small twinge of guilt for being so angry. But wouldn't someone be angry if their life was so abruptly altered? I'm right to be mad, she reassured herself. 

     "Danara, I'm sorry for doing this to you. Do you understand that I have to?" Danara looked beside her. Her mother was so tired, so kind...

     Then a voice began blaring through the airplane, warning the passengers of a bumpy landing. Danara watched the clouds slowly rise above the plane until they disappeared from view completely; then she noticed people rushing about the ground, mostly workers of the airport they had arrived at.

     As the plane touched down with a thump, Danara looked at her mother and sighed. "No, I don't."

     "Honey, hopefully you will when you get older. For now, just know that it's necessary. Okay?"

     A reluctant nod was delivered, and her mom smiled. She reached up to get the luggage and handed Danara her purple suitcase, which was packed with as much of her life that it could hold. She clutched it tightly and made sure that the traveling tag was still attached securely.

     They made their way through the airport, walking quickly. They didn't stop until they were out of its sliding glass doors, her mother examining the traffic rushing by. "Mother should be here now," she said, mostly to herself. Danara was content to ignore her.

     Then a rusty silver truck pulled up to the curb, shooting a plume of smoke into the air. "Get in!" someone hollered from inside. Danara peered through the dirty window and made out an old woman, one hand resting casually on the steering wheel. My grandmother, she thought.

     The trunk popped open, and Danara stowed her suitcase inside. Then her mother slammed it shut and gingerly climbed in the shotgun seat. Danara could see why--the floor was littered with candy wrappers and leaves. Her eyebrows were raised as she settled into the passenger seat. The woman driving the truck was nothing like her prim, orderly mother.

     "Ma!" Said mother was happy nonetheless, Danara saw. A hug was quickly exchanged, and the truck was thrown into motion. She kept her eyes on the window the whole way to a squat two-story house in a neighborhood of buildings that looked identical.

     Parking in the driveway, Danara's grandmother stepped out, wincing as she put her feet on the pavement. "Arthritis gets me again," she grumbled. "Abby, help me to the door, will you?"

     Danara's mother hurried to her side, taking the car keys. "Of course, Ma. This is Danara, my daughter."

     A small smile stretched across her grandmother's face as they entered the garage. "Yes, yes. I would expect nothing less. Call me Agatha, or Aggie for short."

     Danara was amazed. An adult who preferred being called by her first name? Her mother the daughter of such a messy person? Nothing was turning out the way she had expected, which was just the way Danara hated it.


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Thu Mar 09, 2017 2:46 am
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...



'Her feelings were mixed up as if they had been thrown in a blender and put on high speed.' Is the correct way to say that so just add the word 'and' there like I did.

'If only she *were* talking with her friends at school, sharing gossip and bearing the exhaustion of classwork together.' is the right way to say that.

A bit more dialogue between Danara and her mother would have been nice, but I won't judge too soon into the story.

'which was packed with as much of her life as it could hold' is the correct way to say that.

'She clutched it tightly and made sure that the traveling tag was still attached securely.' For this sentence, I don't think the adverb 'tightly' is necessary, especially since clutching something means to grasp it tightly, but that's just a suggestion and my opinion. Make of it what you will.

'They made their way through the airport, walking quickly.' Instead of this, you could simply say "They quickly made their way through the airport."

'They didn't stop until they were out of its sliding glass doors, her mother examining the traffic rushing by.' I think this should be two separate sentences, such as 'They didn't stop until they were out of its sliding glass doors. Her mother examined the traffic rushing by.'

Other than that, I have no critics to offer. I look forward to the rest of the story.




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 4:54 am
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Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, Lupa22, and Happy Review Day!

But Danara was feeling practically the exact opposite.
Practically isn't necessary here, it just draws out the sentence too much.

wanting the annoying buzz of the plane and her mother's soft snores and everything about this trip to go away. If only she was talking with her friends at school, sharing gossip and bearing the exhaustion of classwork together.
I like all the contrasts you've used throughout this. First you say what she hates about the plane, then what she wishes she was actually experiencing. You did it earlier on too, when giving reasons for her jumbled feelings.

then she inspected people rushing about the ground, mostly workers of the airport they had arrived at.
Is there another word you can use for inspected? Inspected, in my opinion, implies that she already knew about them. And they're meant to have suddenly come into view. Say something like 'then she suddenly saw' or 'appeared', etc.

Her mother the daughter of such a messy person?
Here's another ones of those juxtapositions I mentioned! Keep 'em coming.

That's all I've got to say about this chapter. It's a pretty good story, so far. Just make sure you read through twice to make sure everything sounds correct and flows smoothly.




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 2:30 am
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Pentavalence wrote a review...



Hey, penandsword here with a review.

I don't usually start with the ending, but that is a fantastic last line. It starts out to be a cliche but then turns the cliche on its head. Good job there!

Some of it is a little redundant, like the previous reviewer said, especially in the dialogue and Danara's thoughts.

Danara herself is a great character though! Her negativity is amusing but I would like to see more sides of her. Is there a reason she's so pessimistic? More backstory would be great.

Also, you really introduced Agatha well! I have a very good idea of who she is from just a few short paragraphs.

This chapter could stand to be a little longer too.

-Pen




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 1:50 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey again,

Nit-picks:

But Danara was feeling practically the exact opposite.

You probably don't need "practically". I know that it's not literally exactly because that's impossible to measure so there's no chance of me mistaking that. The qualifier is therefore unnecessary.

They traversed the airport, walking quickly.

"traversed" is a bit dramatic here, so it kind of jars. "made their way through" is what I would personally go with.

"Get in," someone hollered from inside.

If someone is hollering, you want an exclamation mark here :P

She could see why

Because you've mentioned Danara's mother this is slightly confusing. Just say "Danara" instead of "She" in this instance.

~~~

Character: Awwww I love how sarcastic Danara is. I also love the interaction between her and her mother on the plane. It's really interesting how you handle Danara not being able to understand why this has to be this way and yet recognising her mum as kind. Seriously, good job. Your introduction of her gran is also cool, though actually at first I thought she was going to be some sort of really strict hillbilly, but that's probably just my prejudices.7

I like that you are continuing the clear-cut thing with the numbered reasons. This and the fact that she hates things not being the way she expects makes me think she might have a learning disability. If this is the case I think you have done this very subtly.

Setting: Yup, that is one well-described truck.

Plot: Which thickens... I am enjoying the twists so far and look forward to seeing where you take this.

Flow: This is pretty good, but I can't currently articulate what's making me hesitate to say excellent. I'll keep an eye out in the next few chapters.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn