I'm driving a stolen car. Well, driving is a bit of a strong word. I'm going forward with the car, trying my best not to die. It happened, sometimws, I would find myself in strange situation because I accidently possessd someone's body. Oops. I hate when it happenes. Currently, I am a forty-year-old man who can't drive a car. How lovely. I don't like to possess people's bodies, they usually die after I do this, and until they die I am stuck in their bodies. They can connect with me, I don't know exactly how. This man is too terified to say anything, it starting to get a little boring in his small mind. I know he is a thief, and that he has just robbed a bank, and now he's driving as fast as he can to get away from the police. Well, He is about to die. Sure, I can tell him that, but I'm not allowed. You see, people die for a reason. They are somehow needed in the afterlife. I am here to make sure it happens, this is my job as a demonic body possessor who has no body of his own. Now, if I tell the person that is about to die that he is going to die, he would probably try to prevent that from happening, sometimes he'll even make it. You can cheat death, if you get a little help. But I am just a little part in a great machine called "Woops you died" and I can't just go around and tell people they're about to die, breaking everything God has worked for his entire life. I am here to make sure people die. What a wonderful job.
As I see the man isn't loosing any control what so ever on the car, I decide to make an action. God won't be waiting for much longer, and if I won;t make this man die soon enough I will lose my job, and any chance of getting back to life. So I mess with this man's mind, I scare him. make him see things, hear things like police sirens getting closer, like bullets are being fired at him. It warks, eventually. He loses control. Goodbye, sir. I almost liked you.
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137,946 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that does sound like a pretty fun job that he's got himself there...certainly is some pretty crazy implications in this here story. I really love the premise that's being established here. It is a load of exposition that's being delivered right to us without any sort of attempt to disguise but in this style of opening I'm almost thinking that is totally fine because it just looks like this demon possessor person is just trying to say hi to us the readers and sort of explaining exactly why they're doing what they're doing. It certainly is an idea that I've never seen before and it also sounds like a really cool idea, I've never seen the afterlife and death be used in this way. And not to mention, the way they speak of their job as....well a job and just something that has to happen because someone ordered them to do it is also a pretty interesting touch. Its almost like there's a chance they don't actually want to do what they do.
Hmm...yeah that right there almost seems to have reinforced my theory somewhat there because that last line is almost confirming that in how they say that they almost liked the guy that ended up dead there. And well, the way that they have to mess with the person's mind to cause that death which makes it sure that they are actively causing such deaths is also a really interesting touch there, its not like this person is there to make sure something already meant to happen continues, this person is actively manipulation things to cause a death...and well...that's very interesting....I would certainly read onto the next chapter after reading this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey hey! A member of Team Weasley is here on this lovely review day to give you a review-y review!
I like the idea you have here. It's interesting, and intrigues me!
Anyways, on to the review!
Plot:
As I previously said, you have an interesting idea here. I find it pretty cool that someone could be able to take over a body and make sure the fate of someone is sealed quickly. It's a great concept, and I love it!
Length of story relating to plot:
This seemed way too short for my liking. It all felt rather rushed, with not much attention to detail being shown. I think if you took your time and separated everything into certain paragraphs, and took your time to describe the person that was being possessed and the surroundings, it would have made for a lengthier and better read. I love your idea, but maybe if it wasn't as rushed it would have been more enjoyable.
Spelling and grammar:
You have quite a few spelling mistakes, but other than that your spelling is fine. It's just the huge paragraph that puts me off a little.
Overall, I believe you have a good thing going here! Just take your time with it, and perhaps get a second opinion from someone so that they can check for mistakes and give you tips to improve. It will help you immensely, trust me!
Keep writing dude!
Huggles from BornLoser :3
Hi there Lupa! Happy Review Day!
This is an interesting idea you have here, and I strongly encourage you to flesh it out a bit more. As a first chapter, this is just two paragraphs which just sort of ramble on. Usually, I wouldn't have a problem with the rambling, because it characterizes it a cute way, but if that's all there is, you're not giving the reader any sort of require background info that is normal of a first chapter. I would like to echo Steggy, the previous reviewer, here and suggest that you first write out why our protagonist got into the business of demonic possession. Perhaps he was blackmailed into it? Or he just really needed a career change? What sort of things motivate him to keep on doing it when he seems pretty aware that it means nothing but death for the person possessed? You've got the good skeleton for a story and now you have to flesh it out more, give the reader some substance to work with.
A lot of what is going on in the first paragraph feels empty and this is due to the rambling nature of it. When you have so little written, for what purpose do you feel the rambling exists? If you were trying your hand at characterization, you've done a good job of establishing a rather sarcastic protagonist, but like I mentioned before, personality is only one aspect of things. From the moment that we realize the protagonist is possessing a man's body, perhaps you could go into some sort of flashback, some sort of moment that might have featured the turning point of our protagonist deciding to dabble in such dark arts. The shortness of this chapter makes things feel rushed and/or forgotten so I do encourage you to slow down, take your time, and think things through a bit more.
Overall, aside from needing more substance and more background information, I think you have a rather interesting story on your hands. As a big fan of the TV series Supernatural, I know demonic possession can really be interesting to a plot line and I like the idea that you have the demonic possessor as the protagonist - that really puts a fun twist on things! However, you just need to flesh it out a bit more, pay attention to proof-reading, and remember that every word counts and I think you'll be on the right track to having a nicely written unique idea.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Best,
Lav
Hello!
Steggy here for a review! When I was looking in the Green Room, I usually read the short description of the story that the author is going to write. Without that description, it doesn't exactly feel like it fits your story. It almost seems like it is a wild goose chase with zombies. Another thing that I found when I was reading this was your beginning just starts off randomly without a subtle background-- in any beginning you write (whether it be for novels or essays), you should always either start out with a problem or give some background info about the character. If you have a no so good beginning, you'll have a no-so-good short story. This is easily fixed though, since the one thing I can suggest would plan ahead. When writing, in general, it would be easier to just plan ahead since that way you can have a solid backbone for the real meat of your story.
How does the old man "suddenly possess" a body? You should perhaps explain a background as to how he got into this. The process of which he found out he could, since it may be confusing to when the reader will read this. Also, if you have separate thoughts that aren't being spoken or the action, they should be in italics. This will make it easier for readers to differentiate between the words. Another suggestion that helps me would be to re-read over your work before you publish it, that way you can pick out the minor details so the readers don't have to pick at it.
For example:
Though these may be minor mistakes that some people won't be able to see right off the bat, but it would still be worthy to just glance over it before posting. Also, re-reading helps you pick out your own opinions rather than the character's opinion. Sometimes you might get a little carried away when thinking too much about a certain character, and you realize that your thoughts are what the character is thinking at that same time. In other words, don't use your own bias for your own creation.
You repeat most of what you are saying throughout this story. It'll confuse the reader if you repeat certain phrases in your story and bore them if they have the chance to read this. As I said before, re-read your work. It'll help in the future when you're done.
Overall, I think this could use some work and become something nice in the end. I like you ending and the whole idea you have.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy