E - Everyone

I Can Still See Cracks

PreviousNext

And you have yet to see the light

Maybe you will know

It has not yet shown

And you will see my right

I have been broken

Put together and smashed

It has yet been spoken

But it feels like I have been bashed

These invisible tears

If only you could see my fear

But it doesn’t matter

Because you are happy

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
erilea
Review
erilea wrote a review · Mon Dec 22, 2014 5:41 pm

Hello, LunaxArtemis!

Okay, I didn't really know what to say for this. Just the normal capitalization talk...okay, so poems are basically sentences that sometimes rhyme and are put into separate lines, right? So there shouldn't be a capital letter at the beginning of each line, because if you were to write this out as a sentence, it wouldn't make sense. Second, because it is a sentence, you need more punctuation. It won't look right, and it didn't sound quite...smooth as some poems I have read. No offense, though, it was still an amazing poem. And if no punctuation makes it seem better to you, it's absolutely your choice.

I love your last sentence, because it just feels right to me. It was really thoughtful. This poem overall needs some work on sense, though. I felt a little confused, to be honest, when I first read this, and reread it to get sense of it. You might want to change the wording or something to help readers understand it more.

This poem was really good, a little tweaking will make it just fine. Keep writing!

XOXO,
wisegirl22

P.S. Your username is amazing!

Hello :)
I like the poem, and I LOVE the title. The 'invisible tears' part is beautiful. I couldn't exactly figure out why you began the poem with an 'and' though.
The last line also seemed rather... plain, compared to the rest of the poem. As if you wanted to end it quickly because you got bored. I don't have an issue with the length, but I think you could have added a bit more.

But all the same, the poem is beautiful :) keep it up, and I hope this isn't an expression of your actual feelings. I hope you're alright :)

Cheerio!

User avatar
WrittenGirl46
Review

I love it.


I like this a lot. It's deep and feels personal, I don't know if this is about you or just how a character feels but it has a hint of personality in it.




I like the "I have been broken put together and smashed" part, it's sticks out to me but i don't know why it sticks out, out of everything.


But I don't think the and in the first sentence is necessary, without it I think it would be better, just my opinion, but above all I like it. Keep writing and welcome to YWS!! ~The Written Girl



If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer