Published May 30, 2011
We run
through the veins of time
Our life
a string
cut by fate
and tied by destiny.
Has been is will be
there is no beginning and no end
Only time
and my watch is broken.
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140,565 Literary Works • 673,441 Reviews
Haha how creative!!! I like this. The last line is amazingy funny. The poem seemed really serious, and then you read the last line and it just makes you smile. So does the title though...
I really liked this poem. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but it wasn't deep and sad like others. It was just kind of....fun. I like it
Keep it up!
Ktg
Hahah! This reminds me of the poems that I used to write! Yeah... I mostly do prose now?
So yay!
Anyway, I have to say that my favorite part about the poem was the last line. I mean, you have this discussion, which is admittedly confusing about time and how our life is limited by time and how fate is a real presence in our lives, etc., etc. And then you have this ending which kind of makes fun of time which says that time, in effect, has stopped for you. So, yes, time is a real force and everything, but at the same time it can stop. A lovely oxymoron! And I love the fact that it starts off with "and" when you write "and my watch is broken" because it seems to be an after thought of everything. So, after time becomes all powerful, it putters out and becomes meaningless. I am not sure if you did this on purpose, but I really enjoyed the effect and it gave the poem a light-hearted, sarcastic feeling, which I kind of adored.
Also... I say nix the title. It doesn't really do anything for you, and I'm sure you can think of something better!
Hmm....It's still a little confusing to me....oh well
I know I already critiqued, but I have one additional comment--any confusion concerning the line:
could be fixed with italizes, so the it looks like:Hey there! I like the creativity of this piece, interesting topic! The only urk I have with this is this line:
It just doesn't seem to flow right. Maybe that's just me.
Love the last line! Keep writing!
Creative! I love simple poems like this, but unfortunately the only things that I planned to critique you on were already critiqued by ones who came before me. I love this poem, and I also love when people can have inspiration by the smallest things. Like stringed cheese.
i thought that poem was really good. fun to read. plus, i loved the title. "like string cheese" i may not know what that poem was about in your mind, but i have my own ideas on it. i really liked it though.
I like the duality in this poem, it is excellent--particularly in the lines:
Also in the line:Normally I perfer short poems, because compactness and brevity has a way of really exposing talent; however, this poem is a little empty. There is much room for expansion, and I would definately work on filling it out a little.
As to the last line, I think there is a time and place for humor, and it is best when it is used to prove a point. It felt ike an attempt at being clever (and it was very clever, so cootoes there) and the obvious effort smashed the mood.
My advice would be expand on the duality and maybe try and work it into the structure. Also, if you want to keep the last line, try to work it in more subtely.
Lastly, I know I have some pretty destictive opinions, so try not to let my suggestions dampen your mood at all; I am by no means a poetry expert. I loved the poem, and it was very fun. Keep Writing!
P.S. I also liked the title