Published April 10, 2011
The skies of my desires
stretched across eternity,
mock me as I stand
an unmoving tree.
Destined to gaze upon
one day following another,
a ghost merely wishing
as time passes by.
Stuck in a foreign land,
an invisible stranger
waiting for my wings,
for in death I will find my home.
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140,526 Literary Works • 673,390 Reviews
I really like this poem. It's well written, creative, and really expressive! I know this isn't much of a review, but I don't really have much to say about this other than I loved it. Sorry I didn't help much, but I'm not all that good at reviews.
Keep writing!
Hi, Luna!
So, I like this a lot. You got a cool idea, and like how this is simplistic yet you manage to get across a lot. This has a powerful flow, and this definitely makes you feel something at the end. I think you've created something that's easy for a lot of people to relate to, but I still think that there can be more to it.
You talk about how the narrator has a lot of desires, but you also talk about something is holding them back. However, we don't know what is doing these things, which it makes it, I think, a lot less meaningful then it could be. If we know what is causing the narrator to feel limited in whatever way, it will be easier to relate to. We'd be able to make connections to what the narrator is up against, as a lot of common human struggles make us feel different. If you want to, you could connect their story to the stories of others and have the narrator use that as their motivation. Right now, we just kind of feel like they're not going to do anything about it.
The last line also confusing me. Is your narrator wishing for death? Are they thinking that they're going to die without having ever accomplished much? Since you end the poem with this thought, we're left wondering; I would expand on it more. The metaphor to the tree also confuses me.
All in all, more imagery/expansion on your ideas what you need. You definitely know the basic rules of poetry and how to make it flow. I can't wait to see where you take this -- feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions. I hope this helps!
~ Elinor
Beautiful. I liked how it was simple, but still expressed some emotion. It flowed very nicely and made so much sence! Unlike some.
Or maybe I'm just stupid.
Nice poem!