z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Sickness

by LunaClipse


I sat in the corner of my room, prisoner of my own fear, clutching a ratty blanket. Outside, the sunlight creeped in through the curtains. While I felt like it should be grey with thunder rumbling and lightning crashing, it was a normal, sunny day. Nobody would have ever suspected anything was wrong.

The pounding at my bedroom door matched the pounding in my heart. It was out there. The thing that once was, and would never be again, human.

My door was securely barricaded, blocking the demon from getting in. Despite my attempts, however, the sound of crackling wood soon filled my ears. I cringed at the noise, knowing this was my end.

The door was ripped from its hinges as a figure stepped in. It made its way to me. I didn’t bother running or trying to hide, for I knew my fate was inevitable. As it violently approached me, I realized it still looked human. Aside from the glassy look in its eyes, and the growing paleness of its skin, this thing coming at me still had remnants of who he once was.

My mind didn’t have time to react when I felt hands viciously grab my arms. He threw me across the room, my body slamming against the wall. My vision became blurry, and my head began throbbing. As he approached me again, I thought I had seen something. His eyes screaming to be let out. To be saved. He almost looked like he did a million times before. Only, his fatherly love was replaced with a desperate, painful plea. 

Whatever it was, it was gone in a flash, and he didn’t hesitate finishing me off.

The disease that ruined his life, the one that ended mine. It’s spreading. Soon, the world will be put into chaos, by the virus that will soon be known as the Violoside.

I am the ghost of Allison Crosse, and I come with a warning. Get out while you can, for the end is coming. Humans everywhere are becoming infected. The worst part, is now you will be in danger, for the Violoside effects ghosts as well.


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Sun Apr 20, 2014 9:18 pm
Charlie793 wrote a review...



Wow... Just wow this is amazing.

"The pounding at my bedroom door matched the pounding in my heart. It was out there. The thing that once was, and would never be again, human."

I love the way you have worded this, it tells the reader just enough but not too much so that you still leave them guessing.

My only bit of criticism would be how did the father kill the main character? Did he give them the disease? Simply murder them? I think it would be better for the story if we knew how these 'things' kill people.

I loved this, I definitely think this would make an amazing prologue for a novel. I hope you write more as I would love to read it!




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Mon Apr 07, 2014 4:53 am
Iggy wrote a review...



...

*jumps around in her seat*

Hi, this was good. Like how dare you make this a short story?! THIS HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL. Make this into something more.

I, for one, would like to know what Violoside is. What it does, where it came from, how it spread. This is a genius idea, so roll with it, my friend. Roll with it.

Okay, so I think my biggest nitpick is the dad. What, exactly, is he? A zombie? A person with no control over his body? A reanimated corpse tat, for some reason, kills? That was pretty vague, so anything could work here, but I don't like not knowing everything, so do tell me what he is and make it more clear in the story. x)

Other than that, this was awesome. I love the emotion behind this, how the girl was weak and afraid and unable to kill her father or fight him off. I am disappointed that she let him kill her, and also disappointed with how the scene totally faded into black there, because don't shy away from the details D: I mean, he killed her or he ate her or something, it could be anything and I'll never know!

Moving on, this was really good for something so short. I liked it a lot, and I loved the apocalyptic theme to it, so I suggest that you continue it, and if you do, please let me know!




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Mon Apr 07, 2014 3:43 am
deleted30 wrote a review...



Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.

Wow. This was strange and rather bizarre, and I mean that in the best way possible.

Everything was pretty flawless on the technical side. No typos, no big grammar mistakes, no run-ons or punctuation problems. So props for that.

Storyline-wise, it was fascinating. I couldn't stop reading. You evoked images in the reader's mind without overwhelming them, your choice of wording was beyond perfect, your MC (though we know little about her) was intriguing and had a great narrative voice.

It was extremely unique. The way it was told kept the reader on edge, and though it was quite short, it packed one heck of a punch. Pacing was solid. I still can't get over that amazing narrative voice, too <3

Okay, now for the nitpicks.

Nobody would have ever suspected anything was wrong.


This just sounds a tiny bit clunky to me. Maybe change it to:

'Nobody would've suspected anything was wrong.'

He almost looked like he did a million times before, just with a painful message, instead of a loving one.


Get rid of the comma after "message."

Otherwise... amazing. Hypnotic, addictive, original... everything it should be. I'm really hoping you'll continue this? It could make an awesome novel. ;)

Keep up the good work! :D





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