I stood on the balcony. My long hair blowing behind me like a flag. Wrapping my sweater closer around my torso, I let out another tear. I couldn't bring myself to fully cry any longer, as I had already drowned my emotions. There was no escaping it, and there was no way around it. I heard footsteps sounding behind me, and jerked back my last remaining tears, though it did nothing. My puffy, watering eyes and my runny nose all made it clear that I had been crying.
“Time’s up, my dear,” he called. His usually gentle voice had gone loud, booming, demanding, terrifying. Taking in a shaky breath, I walked back into the house. Was I really that cheap? Was my life really worth only a couple grand? Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t realize I had stopped at the top of the steps. Cold hands touched roughly against my back as a larger figure stood before me, dressed in only black. Before I was entirely lucid again, cold metal was thrust between my ribcage. Within seconds, blood clouded my vision and I was surrounded by darkness.
He needed money more than he needed me, but all the money in the world couldn’t buy him a soul.
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140,630 Literary Works • 673,569 Reviews
I concur with Ronald. Reading this feels like reading a written version of a really good movie.
But I can be down for that. The possibilities are endless in this one, so that's mostly fun--interpretations are fun. My interpretation is that this girl is a prostitute trying to escape by cooperating with the police, until her boyfriend/pimp decides to show her just who to be afraid of.
I'd be interested to read a longer version, actually--I want to know how the heroine got into this problem. Is the man her lover? Why would she be there for him? Was she forced into this, or was it all willing? There's a lot of questions this leaves, and obviously that shows that the readers have a hard time feeling bad for the girl.
Overall? More writing needed before proper criticism, but it looks pretty good.
Favorite line:
"Was I really that cheap? Was my life really worth only a couple grand?"
Okay. I couldn't call this a short story. More like two paragraphs of something bigger.
Torso is too specific for what are you trying to accomplish. And closer doesn't work as well as tighter. Maybe you just didn't feel like using tighter but its more clear than closer. Wrapping my sweater tighter around my body, I let out another tear.I'll try to summarize what I think happened. I'm assuming this girl was taken, and her capturer is selling her on the black market. It doesn't work out so well because I guess it wasn't enough money, and she gets stabbed. It's supposed to be sad, and the reader should feel this helplessness but that doesn't happen. You probably already know that, because its hard to care about a character you just met, and have them die in front of you. This can be done if the writer doesn't really care whether or not the reader cares about a character. Sometimes its essential to the plot for other characters. When you start with that much drama, and end with the same there's no resting point for the reader to acknowledge a change of pace. Imagine if a movie was all action or all slow paced with only conversation. There's no moment for the viewer/reader to feel as if something's happening. I know in this scene you need to have things tense but the terseness makes it pretty hard to explore a lot of things. If you can change anything, I'd change the lack of description. I'd take out a lot of the excessive thought. I'd also start a little before give us something basic for this scene. Ease the reader into this tragic world the character lives in. It's too abrupt, space it out, and it should be good.
Don't see this as overly critical. Which it might be. I'm just trying to nudge you in the right direction because you are close to the place that you want to be.