Published February 21, 2008
*I wrote this very, very short and stupid story today at school out of sheer boredom and because all of my friends and I have been joking around with my best friend, Nikki, by making plays like 'Nikki gets shot' and 'Nikki the Turned' it's really fun because we're all good writers. Well here it is*
~Nikki the Chicken and Fire the Fox~
There once was a chicken named Nikki. She lived on a farm called Bickley. She wasn't a very smart chicken. In fact, she was very stupid.
Now, a small family of foxes lived near the farm. One of the fox pups, named Fire, was very smart and quick-witted. Fire snuck over to the farm constantly to steal chickens.
One afternoon, Fire was scaveging the forest for food. As she neared the farmers fence she spotted a plump, brown chicken, staring at the ground and walking in a circle. Fire's mouth began to water as she squeezed through a hole in the fence and pranced up to the chicken.
"Hello," she greeted the stupid animal.
"Hi!" the chicken bawked and looked up at Fire.
"What's your name?" Fire asked, a vicious smile playing across her face.
"Nikki. Nikki the Chicken." the bird replied, somehow curving her beak into a smile.
"Well, Nikki, I'm Fire. Fire the Fox. Would you, Nikki, like to join me, Fire, for dinner?" the sly fox questioned.
The chicken's eyes lit up. "I would! What are you having?"
"Wild berries and seed." Fire lied slyly. The dumb chicken nodded and follow Fire through the forest, were she quickly became the fox's dinner.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Thanks everyone! I'll be sure to fix this up!
This has a simplistic, childish, fairy-tale type feel, but I think that's what you're going for, so I won't pester you about it. ^_^
I think the period after "chicken" should be a semi-colon, thus making this: "She wasn't a very smart chicken; in fact, she was very stupid." It could also be a dash (--)I believe the period after "chicken" should be a comma...
"Follow" should be "followed"
Overall, this is very silly and simple, but that's what you want. So good job?
Hope this helps! PM me if I was unclear about anything or you want more help or something.
~Azila~
Hi there! I haven't seen you around YWS before. Ahoy! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. =D
Quick grammar rule -- if you have dialogue and then speech tags following it, you don't put a period after the dialogue. Usually it's a comma, but if it's a question or an exclamation then it's that.
In other words, this should be:
"Hello," she greeted the stupid animal.
You do that a couple times. Be sure to keep that in mind!
Aagh! Short much? Very short! It's amusing, yes. If you were going for something more practical, I'd suggest more length and more detail. But if this was only meant to function as a piece of amusing flash fiction, then you've done your job.
If you meant this to be a bit more practical, let me know and I'll give you some more help! Oh, and feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions. =D
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
You may be a good writer for your age, but there are quite a few things along the grammatical and punctuation lines. I've listed a few below:
This sentence is a run-on. Either change the comma after Nikki to a semicolon (;), or a period.
Move the comma after 'named' to after 'pups.' It should be, "One of the fox pups, named Fire, was...."
All three of these sentences have the same format; that makes them sound boring. Maybe try switching it up.
This should be: "Hello," she greeted the stupid animal.
"The" should not be capitalized.
Again, "The" should not be capitalized.
Were should be where, and foxes should be fox's.
Aside from these comments, it was a cute little story, if completely unoriginal. From the sounds of it, though, that's what you were going for. Next time try to post something you actually care about, not something you threw together because you were bored and high on your own 'talent.'