Published January 28, 2008
I walked up to Tsunade's paper covered desk. "So, what team am on, Tsunade-sama?" I asked politley. Tsunade looked up from her paper work, grabbed a stack of papers and handed them to me. I studied them quickly.
"Team Eight?" I asked confused. Tsunade nodded.
"Meet them at the bridge at two o'clock." Tsunade said. "You're dismissed." She waved her hand towards the door and continued on with her paperwork. I bowed respectively and walked out. I walked towards the bridge.
"It's only noon." I complained out loud as I walked back and forth on the bridge. "Might as well take a nap." I transformed into a black cat and curled into a ball.
"What are you doing-nyaa?" I heard something ask. I opened my eyes and saw my pet cat in her small form.
"Fire? What are you doing here?" I yawned.
"I've been here-nyaa. I was on your shoulder the whole time-nyaa." He mewed.
"Oh. I've gotten so used to you there I almost forgot." I laughed.
"I've noticed that." He sighed. I closed my eyes back and Fire nestled up beside me.
It had been a good hour and a half before we both awoke to voices.
"They're supposed to be here by now." A boy's voice complained.
"I-I know K-Kiba. B-but w-we n-need to wait." A girl's voice said shyly.
"This should be fun." I whispered to Fire as I stretched and walked over to the bickering people. I sat down if front of all four of them. Two females and two males.
"What do you want, you ugly cat?" A boy with a hood on asked angrily.
"Ugh. That's a rude way to talk to your new team member." I hissed. A growl started in his throat as I transformed back to normal. Fire ran up and lept to my shoulder, landing perfectly in a sitting position. Fire and I both hissed as the dog boy growled.
"That's enough." The woman with black hair said. I stopped hissing and smiled at the woman.
"I am Ayame Hiroshi." I said changing my atitude completely.
"I am Kurenia Yuhi. Your sensei." The woman stated.
"I'm H-H-Hinata H-H-Hyuuga." The other girl said shyly. She had straight black hair and pale gray eyes.
A Hyuuga.
"I'm Shino Aburame." The boy with sunglasses said mysteriously.
Ah...a boy with chakra bugs.
"I'm Kiba, And that is Akamaru" The dog boy growled as a large white dog with brown ears ran towards all of us. I dipped my head in fake respect as each of them spoke.
And a dog boy. I rolled my eyes and looked over at the Hokage's building. What was Tsunade thinking??
"All right. Since you're new, show us what you can do. First you can face Hinata. Then Shino. Then Kiba." Kurenia said. I nodded and got into battle stance. Fire jumped off my shoulder and onto the railing of the bridge. Hinata got into her battle stance also.
"Ready! Go!" Kurenia yelled and Hinata and I ran at each other.
Here we go.
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141,385 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hello!
I'm going to crit this as I read it:
If you wanna say it this way, I think that 'paper' and 'covered' should have a hyphen (-) between them...
but the way to say it doesn't sound too descriptive...
maybe something like "papers littered every corner of the desk"...well that wasn't that good, but basically anything that would make a more descriptive image in the mind.
You need a comma before the 'and' since your listing a series of events. I also think that since papers are covering her desk she should search through a few papers until she found the stack she was going to hand to the person.
These two sentences don't flow right...
First of all, I think you should combine them because the 'I's get to be repetative. Second, maybe you should find a different word for 'walk', 'cause that gets repetative, too.
Somehow, over here, your story lost all it's real Naruto-ness. ^_^
I don't know...maybe having a cat the same way the Inuzuka's have a dog as their ninja companion would work....but not this transforming business. Or a summoning, that would work, too.
First you refer, here, to the cat as a 'her' then later as a 'he'. So I'm not really sure which one.
I understand how you're trying to get Hinata's shy voice in, but I think you over-did it here. Maybe the studdering should be in the "I know Kiba" part and that should be all. She's not shy and studdering all the time. Mostly when she's with Naruto.
You need to incorporate what their genders are in the previous sentence.
That's just awkward....Kiba should groan or growl in his throat....this just sounds bad.
I'm just going to point this out now, because it's really starting to bug me. You use way too much 'said's and 'ask's. It gets repetative. Try to think of different words instead.
Instead of a period inside the quotes, you need a comma. And you need another comma between 'said' and 'changing'.
Did you know that that lady at Ichiraku Ramen is called Ayame??
Okay, where do I begin....
Her name is Kurenai...
And technically she's not Ayame's sensei...but I'll get to explaining your plot hole in a minute.
If you're going to use the double 'u's, then spell Kurenai's name with two u's as well.
He should state his last name and you need a comma at the end of your quote. And a period instead of a a comma before 'And'.
Don't use the double question marks...I don't think it's supposed to be used in formal writing.
Okay, right now we don't know what ninja level Ayame is. You need to make that clearer.
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There's a few problems with your plot.
A ninja squad has 4 members. You don't need to add an extra member. Right now I really don't get why Ayame was added to Team 8. You should have explain why, what the intended mission was...that sort of thing. The plot doesn't seem to be whole at the moment.
Description, Description. You need to do a better job of explaining the surrounding, or the setting. You also need to get into the mind of the character more. This would be the first chapter of a book, right? So you need some way to hook the reader on to your story. You need to add imagery...something tangible that we can relate to.
Overall, this story has some potential. You just need to change a few things and add more description and clear things up a bit and you're good to go.
If ya have any questions, PM me! I'll be glad to help.
~Timea
The idea's a little cliche. It's still very good though. I don't really have anything else to say.