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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Text!!!
the snow watered down into slush
Spoiler
the day after i peered at you
across the hallway.
past thresholds you stood
(un)consciously staring into the room,
laugh echoing, with hopes of notice,
but no heads turned.
like a natural instinct,
i shifted into pity and
shame for you - as if i
had never melted into slush
like you had.
i cover long sleeve undershirts with thick sweaters,
pretending i could never wear what you wear
or let the cold grasp my skin. i
scoff at your humorless remarks,
subtly ignore your shrieking laughs,
like a bitter aftertaste, a crooked line,
or a scampering mouse.
i avoid your face in the halls,
though i can see your
footprints trace mine in the snow.
i can make out where your hands
touched the snow, where you stood-
frostbitten, your nose pink,
your lips blue.
because i know the feeling.
i know the feeling of
grieving your societal death-
of calling your own name past
wintered trees to be heard,
and mapping lines in the
snow to be recognized-
of speaking to the resonating silence-
of voicing something and therefore nothing-
of handing over yourself, more
than yourself, more
than what was asked,
to those who you think are
your everything.
i know it.
but i only pity. i only
gaze at you like a mouse burrowing
out from underneath the snow-
one searching for something and therefore nothing.
but I've seen my joints tremble
the same way,
and i see in you what i
shoved under layers of snow,
under layers of shame and pretend,
and the regret that
iced my tears onto my pink cheeks.
i despise you, i pretend i stand above you,
because the frost-
the frost that’s gnawed me-
that I've loathed in myself-
I've seen in you.
and i know. we are equals.
and our hearts may straighten the scales;
but i know I've frozen mine over,
in grief and shame-
and have become as
cold
as ice (nothing).
hi ant! let's unpack this banger of a poem
there's a lot of imagery relating to snow, ice, cold things etc. it's really interesting to see that, especially with the relation to a person. it's really interesting reading this poem, just because of how narrative it is. i notice that a lot in your poems. there's always some sort of "arc" or "storyline" to it, actions, i.e. "scampering" or "peered". very active (as opposed to "dormant")
the subtle shifts the parentheses provide is interesting, "unconsciously" acting vs. "consciously" acting is such an interesting parallel. i think there are definitely more opportunities for you to play around with the parentheses in your poem, however this poem doesn't necessarily need them.
you put the rules of threes all over this poem. it's a nice pattern, but i feel as if it creates a sort of clunkiness, especially within the second stanza. its not necessarily a bad thing, but it feels very heavy when reading it. i almost want either more line breaks or different diction. just a thought.
the comparison to the "you", the comparison to what you have been is such an interesting thing to play around with. and knowing what they have done and how it transposes to your past, it's such a poignant message. you really stunned me with that one.
there's this sort of subtle acknowledgement of it all, that the "you" might not realize until its too late, and this acknowledgement that you've been there before. it's really interesting, and i think it pairs well with the ice/snow/cold metaphors as well.
this poem is one of the best ones that you've written,, also you capitalize I've but not i -- i don't know if that's purposeful or accidental, but just a note. you really ate with this one i fear.
best & sincerely;
herb
Yayyy thank you for reviewing!! I will keep in mind what you said. Also, I know the I'ves are capital, I made a mistahkay when I did Find and Replace.
Hi Ant!!
What a beautiful poem!
The first thing that I noticed is that you write in a speaking way. What I mean by this is that the poem sounds better spoken out loud than it does being read in your head. You do some really cool things by repeating words and parts of phrases for a dramatic effect and cutting up the way you say things. This would be a pretty epic spoken poem if you ever made a recording. There are a couple of parts that I wanted to comment on specifically.
-Awesome job staying consistent with the tense. You speak in first person the whole time and don't waver. This can be pretty hard because you seem to shift between what we are presently observing (or perhaps a memory), perhaps in a school hallway, and what is happening in your head as you think about these things.
I liked how you talk about the snow melting into slush, then compare this to yourself, as if what had happened to you/this person occurred at the same time.
The 'with hopes of notice' stood out to me. Personally, I would change it to something like 'hoping you'd notice' or 'with hopes of noticing' or '...being noticed' but what you said still gets the point across, but the flow just felt a little off.
I especially LOVED this stanza! Your 'I know' statements make it highly relatable and show us how much this means to you. It shows me that you have experienced things in the past that make this so real and important to you. I get the sense that perhaps you were close to someone, but you grew apart and now you are nothing to them? I love all of the 'of' statements you use too. Speaking to silence and using your voice but never being acknowledged- wow!
Things I wish you had more of:
-I really wish that we got more details about who this person is. Details about their emotions, appearance, being, etc. Unless this person is actually yourself and you are speaking about yourself or a memory in first person, or there is some other kind of symbolism in their appearance or description not being included at all to show some sort of distance. I would love to know a bit more about them.
We see a little bit about them here:
...but I feel like something that is missing is a clearer statement about why they are awful, or what has caused you to become emotionally closed off and 'as ice'. You have so many GORGEOUS comparisons and descriptions, but I feel like everything is so broad that there is no way to read into an actual meaning- if that makes sense? Still, as I said, your descriptions, vocabulary, and sentence layout is beautiful and I found it to be very engaging and easy to stay with until the last word. I can tell that this is personal and means a lot to you- amazing job! I can;t wait to read more of your poems, hopefully soon!!
Your friend,
Ellie
Thank you for the review Ellie! What I was trying to say was that the "you" in this poem was hoping someone would notice him, so I guess I could make that a little clearer. I will think about what you said about adding more details about who the person is. I'm glad you liked the poem! Thank you again!
i fear she ate with this one. remind me to review this
Thank youuuuu I will