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by Lumi

Deleted at author's request.

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951 Reviews

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Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:34 pm
alliyah wrote a review...

Reviewing because I need to clean out the requests in my WRFF.

I think this is an especially interesting poem to consider and contemplate, and I've just kind of stared at this poem and each time I'm like "this is interesting" ... but what does it mean?

I'll try my hand at interpreting:

I interpreted this poem to be the speaker is contemplating Christ's crucifixion/sacrifice (blood of a god smeared wrist-to-wrist) and how it was done to earn love. And the speaker contemplates how they've sacrificed and lived (giving their metaphorical blood/heart) in order to attempt to gain the love of a girl. And the pain that it caused them, being comparable to sacrificial death.

Second stanza, the speaker says they look and see no revenants (another word that drips will religious allusion) - there is no risen Christ from the dead, and then it clarifies "no revenants "of those i've left behind" - I don't know to interpret this to mean the girl they loved is dead, or metaphorically gone, or if they themselves are metaphorically dead.

Then the last three lines -> The whole crucifixion/sacrifice thing, it didn't work. Everyone's been left behind.

So on the religious level this poem may be a critique of the Christ story, that here they died with all the pain and good intentions, but alas, it wasn't effective because Christ didn't earn their love or even his own life, and everyone's just been left behind. Interesting take! It could even be given a Christian interpretation if I stretched it, to say the speaker believes Christ has risen and that the gospel is true but is rather lamenting that he feels unloved and that sometimes life on earth is trash because it doesn't feel like Christ is in our midst.

And then the relationship interpretation is that the speaker is using the Christ story as a metaphor for his love life, which is going poorly. They love this girl, they'd sacrifice in order to win their love. But it ends up just leaving them heartbroken and alone.

Being a fan of religious allusions, I like this - it was subtle, but it was clearly there.

My favorite part was the last three lines "and god, my god, there are so many left behind" - it echoes Christ's words on the cross in an ironic twist "my God my God why have you forsaken me".

Some Thoughts
The language is beautiful all the way through, you use mostly simple language that lets your phrasing shine, with a few nice words like "revenents" and "stricken" --

The aspirate comment is funny, because it shows again that this person is sort of a failed/mortal person and not really a god. - They're no better than the trees that stand and breathe. I thought the parenthesis lost some of the intensity of that comparison though, because it seems like the point of saying trees breathe is to make the comparison to the person, so it shouldn't be an afterthought or parenthetical note. If you want to set it aside I'd recommend italics, but parenthesis seem like something you can cross out.

I'd love for a few lines developing the section that says "horrid pain of hearts shattered on our behalf" -- it's super hard to make phrases like "broken heart" "heart break" "shattered heart" not sound cliche, and one of the ways to make it not cliche is to root it in either metaphor or reality. Give a pretty metaphor that illustrates the pain of hearts breaking, or explain in concrete real terms why it hurts. It'll also give more for the reader to connect to, other than just this person has lost their love.

Lastly I probably enjoyed the last stanza the best because there wasn't filler or tricks, I can imagine someone peering into an empty tomb searching for the body of the risen lord, or themselves, or their lover and then you twist my expectation by saying there are so many left behind, when instead I would expect them to say "no one's here". It's paradoxical and it works. I hope that makes sense.

For the most part I loved the line breaks, and the formatting helped the line breaks seem more natural - though I didn't like how you separated "left _____ behind" - it felt like an invisible ellipses.

That's all I've got for this review! Overall this is an impressive poem, and maybe one of my favorites I've read on the site.



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95 Reviews

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Sun Sep 09, 2018 1:43 pm
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Clarity wrote a review...

Hi Lumi! Clarity here to review as requested.

I’ll start by saying I found this very emotional and beautifully written.

I really love unconventional structure of poetry (and you obviously seem to be a fan of it yourself), and the way you’ve done this reminds me of a bonsai tree… It made me think of how a bonsai is sculpted into something the artist deems beautiful and when on show all its clipping scars should be covered as to hide the touch of its artist. Whether that was intentional or not I’m not sure, but I really liked and appreciated it.

the blood of a god has been smeared wrist-a-wrist,

This is such a powerful start. It paints the picture of a messy beginning to something – life, love, self-forgiveness? It started a journey for me. I agree with nite saying it is a bit of a stark contrast being present tense in the first line then switching to past, but with the flow of the poem I think quirkiness of it works.

Moving to that second line it seems as though the narrator is saying had it been their own blood, it would have been given in exchange of (another?) true love. By saying “thousandth” it does seem as though this person has had many, but I’m getting the feeling they have all been admired from afar and not nearly been as consuming as this one.

the scarlet rain will come, go; sway

I like this. As poetry is open to interpretation I may be off your mark, but to me I saw this as an analogy for the narrators love for the woman described later on. It feels like they are almost battling with themselves on their feelings for this woman.

I think the use of “aspirating” in this way was clever. “aspirating trees” made me think of the trees as inhaling this “scarlet rain” and the sorrow that it comes with; by then using the same word for the boy it links them together in this sorrow, as though the boy lives through this hardship as he grows (or if I go with my thoughts on the bonsai – as he is sculpted. Which does make sense with your use of a deity.)

Again, agreeing with nite I was a little confused when we got to “this rain does in memory of her” – but after a few re-reads I interpreted this as the rain is falling in memory of her. If it was supposed to be linked to the aspirating then it may be worth having a rewording – e.g. “this rain does in memory of her too” or “this rain does too, in memory of her”. – as it doesn’t come across very clearly. BUT that’s not how I read it so that may not matter. I’d love to know how you prefer this to be interpreted though. :)

Now moving down to here,
and how she and i learned together the horrid pain of hearts shattered on our behalf.

So sombre, yet so elegantly posed. I love this part. I mean, it is very tug on the heartstrings but really helps us get a better understanding of the narrator. He seems guilty for his past actions but its as though he has only just been able to admit them to himself with the assistance of this “she”. How they “learned together” makes me think that they needed each other in order to come to a reality of things they have done in the past – of hearts they have shattered in order to get what they want. Going from this I feel like the narrator is kind of unwinding and becoming consumed by his guilt.

Ah, “revenants” is such as good way to say how the narrator is being haunted by his past without having to say he is ‘being haunted by his past’.

The ending is definitely my favourite. It just feels like raw emotion and I felt like I could really feel what the narrator is feeling.

I really have no critique to give other than the small points made above. This is truly one of my favourite poems I’ve read in a long time and I hope I interpreted it in some of the ways you meant. Please never stop writing!


Lumi says...

Thank you so much for this! Your notes definitely give more Clarity to the poem that I believe it needs - and are spot-on as well! Furthermore, you got it all right, bottom to top!

Clarity says...

My pleasure <3 I'm glad I helped illuminate some aspects. I'm glad I interpreted it correctly!

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Sun Sep 09, 2018 3:45 am
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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there Lumi! Niteowl here to drop a review. I'm...not sure I've actually reviewed any of your poems before, because usually I'm like "omg this is so good and surely I'd have nothing worthy to say". But hey, there's a first time to everything, so I'll give it a whirl.

The first line is beautiful, glorious. The second line is a little confusing mainly due to some tiny words. "or had it been my own" sounds awkward to me. I think it might be stronger as "or is it my own" to match the present tense in the first line. "Stricken for the heart" is interesting because I expect to read "stricken from the heart". To me, "for" implies that the speaker is bleeding for the true love like a victim of his own desires, while "from" implies that they are taking blood from the true love like a callous heartbreaker. I'm guessing that you thought of this and wrote "for" accordingly, but it's wild to me how one tiny word can shift the whole idea of the poem.

Moving from tiny words to big words, I admit I was thrown for a loop by the word "aspirate". I feel like I should know what it means but I had to look it up and I'm still kind of confused, given that it has multiple meanings per the all-holy dictionary. So are the trees and the boy breathing or choking? I'm leaning towards breathing, but I'm still not sure. And then there's the similar noun "aspirations" which has a totally different meaning of goals/dreams, adding to my confusion. And yet I love the aspirating line because it sounds so lovely.

"this rain does in memory of her" This rain does what? Is the rain also aspirating? Perhaps in lieu of saying "aspirate" again, there's another verb that could replace "does". I also find myself wanting to know more about this "she" character. I'm guessing that she is dead and it's clear both of them have broken a lot of hearts, but it's unclear to me who she is/was to the speaker. Is she a "true love" or not? If I had to guess, it sounds like the speaker and "she" broke each other's hearts, prompting the speaker to examine his history now that he's experiencing the kind of pain he once inflicted.

The second stanza is less imagery-packed and sharper in clarity, but still thought-provoking. I'm ashamed to admit "revenant" also had to prompt a Google search because a) it sounds like "remnant" which could also work in this context and b) the first results were for the movie that got Leo his Oscar, which may be the only other place I've heard it. Tangents aside, it's a really cool word that makes me think of ghosts coming back, old "true loves" the speaker once thought he could ignore but now that he's bleeding, he can't.

Overall, I see this poem as a compelling picture of a man who once saw himself as an invincible god, a man who broke hearts and never got his heart broken. But now he is bleeding, consumed by heartache and grief and haunted by those he once dismissed. At first, I wasn't sure about the format, but then it grew on me because it looks kind of like scattered blood.

Despite the words and lines I found confusing, I enjoyed reading this. I first saw this a couple days ago and didn't have time to get into it, but the ending jumped out at me immediately. Now that I've had time to digest it, I like the imagery and story of the first stanza. Happy RevMo and as always, keep writing! :D

Lumi says...

omg thank you nite! I love your takeaways and inferences here, and it's sparked some ideas for really good (I think) edits! Thank thank thank!

niteowl says...

You're welcome! Glad my rambling was helpful and I'd love to see the edits. :)

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Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:27 pm
Dossereana says...

Like this for the sens of humor was grate I feel. keep up the good work.

Lumi says...

I'm not sure I understand you--this wasn't meant to be humorous at all. In fact, I find the subject matter quite dour-faced.

Dossereana says...

I find it Humorous and Realistic :D and any was ever one has different a pinons.

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Thu Sep 06, 2018 5:54 pm
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magiccharm2002 wrote a review...

Hello! For starters Wow, just wow. This was truly amazing to read! I personally feel this way every day honestly and wow was this relate able. Thanks for sharing this!

Over all, This was amazing. It flows together nicely and has a good rhythm. I especially like the story that I see within. First it seems like your bringing up Christs death on the cross but then you make it even more personal and bring it to yourself, your feelings, your love, life, and opinion. The wording really gives you a clear and somewhat magical image all while expressing these sad and possibly depressing emotions. Also, the way that you moved and spaced the lines makes it more interesting and in my opinion it conveys the emotions in an even stronger way then it would as just uniform text.

Over all, it was a great piece and I can't wait to read more of your writing! Keep up the good work!

'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights