Hey!
I think its really important when writing a poem that you pick a topic and then allow the reader to swim around in it. That was definitely the feeling I got here - I've never been bungee jumping, I've never experienced the things expressed here as they are expressed, but I still related to "and how i've grown to trust neither." This line reminded me of Rupi Kaur in how simple yet impactful it is!
Thematically, I love the use of metaphor throughout the piece, and how easy it is to understand the concepts you're trying to get across. You're clear, but you don't force feed the reader your own emotions on the topic. Very nice! Whenever I read poetry, I always keep the Heaney quote "description is revelation" in mind, and I think that you're definitely on your way to discussing ideas in a deliberate and complex manner! <3
I think your opening and closing statements are very impactful. There's a constant theme that the voice of the piece made their own mistakes, and that led to their issues (rather than the person encouraging them).
Some brief points on your structure:
the repetition of "or" with "or if we've watched too many stars // or if we've shot down the earth" this sounds somewhat stiff. I'd consider taking out the second 'or'. The only major issue I found with the piece was things like this, where the flow is broken by your specific word choice. Another example is "when I say, when he told me to". Even putting 'that when he told me to jump' might make it flow a bit nicer. Obviously, this is all just instinctual issues I have with the piece when I read it, and you might not agree at all!
Do you mind me asking how many times you edited this before uploading it? I'm just curious! I've seen people write a poem and then rip it apart in editing so thoroughly it becomes a new poem - don't be afraid to hone what you've got here to a fine point!
All this being said, it was an enjoyable read. I'm not a big fan of poetry, due to often struggling to understand what the author intended to say - but here it's very clear what you're expressing (and i appreciate that!).
Points: 344
Reviews: 7
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